The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband relapsed after almost 8 years of sobriety. He picked up again 18 months ago. We moved home and country 4 years ago (escaped to the country - a joint dream for our family). He took up work as a long distance lorry driver, away from home all week, living alone in his cab. While I kept the self sufficient lifestyle going with our four children until we were in a position for him to work from home. Sadly during this time his meetings dwindled to none, his long time sponsor passed away and my health became stressed. He drank silently for six months (maybe 12). I had suspicions but did not raise them. Finally he confessed naming my being ill as his reason.
The following weeks and months have been a steady reenactment of old patterns and behaviors. I recently reached a point of powerlessness after a period of denial. The 12 step program was our life for 8 years. Helped me reach a place of serenity and helped me forgive him and myself for many episodes, hurts, lies and crazy behavior during some dark times. I became complacent, never thought old doors would open, old wounds would erupt, old patterns replace new ones, hard earned honesty replaced with deceit and dishonesty, once again in a crazy place. All the truths of AA I know do work, if worked, are a jumble in my mind as my husband attempts to convince me in his sickness that he never needed AA and that all the un-manageability that has become us once again is in fact in my head. I am reaching out today for a sane hand. Any advice very welcome. Sorry if I jumped on another's thread or story. Hopefully there is a mutual help from my sharing. I find myself asking the same question stay and work harder or leave. I love him and I know his sickness. I don't know if I'm strong enough. I know I am powerless. Very confused - looking for calm in the storm
Hi Anastasia.
No need to be sorry; you're so right that there is mutual help in your sharing. But I'm glad you started a new thread as I hadn't noticed that you were a newcomer from your reply to the other post.
I'm not sure from what you have written whether, during your husbands recovery time, you were attending al-anon or rather walking through AA with him? Are you fairly familiar with al-anon or is it new for you? Either way you are in the right place and doing great to recognise your own powerlessness when it comes to your husband's relapse and the turmoil it has brought you. I think you've reached out with a sane hand, really.
Welcome aboard.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I am sorry for what has brought you here, but recognising all of that crazy talk that you mention reminds me that this such a good place to put things in perspective.
My husband and I moved from the UK to Italy ten years ago - a lovely escape to the countryside - and whilst I have no regrets about it at all I do sometimes miss the support of my long term friends and family. My husband and I had been together for twenty plus years before he started drinking to excess. Those were good years and we have a lot of lovely shared memories that I treasure. When alcohol got a hold on his life I spent about eight years trying to work harder and harder 'to make things right' until I was exhausted and a doormat! Then it was obvious to me that all was not right at all! So I rested, and rested a lot, and then I gently played and played as much as I needed in order to get my mind back to a place where I could recognise myself again. Al-anon has been a steadying reminder to keep my focus on me on this journey - I just keep learning at the pace that seems to suit me best I think.
Thank you for your reply. I'm not feeling very sane today! My mind is in turmoil.. I did attend al anon in the early days. When we moved rural the closest meeting was an hour and half drive away. My husband managed meetings close to his work and sought out meetings on the road when he started trucking. He attended conventions and kept close contact with his sponsor. He started smoking weed shortly after he started working, he quashed my concerns then that he may be tempted to drink. He assured me his twelve steps were priority. My complacency set in, home educating my children and studying myself. It was when my health issues began things started to change. When he admitted he was drinking again he was like a child asking permission for something. He assured me and our older children that life would not change. They are old enough to remember how life was prior to his sobriety. Sadly it took weeks to see that change was inevitable. Family life is chaos. Eggshells have once again taken root in our home. I would just appreciate some help finding clarity in a world turned upside down. I have my al anon literature and attempt to read however the words just jump about the page. I did not work the steps fully during husband sobriety I allowed his recovery to guide me. I guess co dependency is an issue for me. Communication is strained between us. I try hard not to react to his old patterns. I feel isolated and lonely living on the side of a hill in the middle of no where. My only contact with the outside world is through the window of my car where I sit and wait for my children during their outside activities. I am struggling to make friends as my mind is pre occupied with the past and what the future has in store. I worry about outside opinions. I just can't find my today!
You sound very sane and clear, even if you might not be feeling it.
I think your last point- that you can't find your today is a great place to focus your attention. You know already that you can't change or influence what he will or won't do, but you can look after yourself with great care right now and through that give the best that you can to your children as well. (added bonus).
Isolation is really hard; for me it has been one of the biggest battles. Is it feasible that you might find a meeting that you can attend again? What else could you do for you today? Could you make 'being kind to you" your goal for the day and see where that leaves your mindset tomorrow?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
If nothing else, this shot out at me. I am almost 8 years sober and could easily see myself falling into what your husband is now demonstrating if I make similar errors in my thinking and behavior. He seems to be spinning and looking for someone to cosign his own BS. The Alanon online meetings and forum here could help you break your isolation anastasia. Glad you reached out.
I really appreciate both of your replies. Funny how simple acknowledgement can lift ones spirit. Guilt has prevented me from speaking out and asking for help. I miss my husband he is/was my best friend. I feel like I'm betraying him asking for help. I know this is irrational thinking. I find myself in new/old/familiar territory all of a sudden. Feelings of guilt for not wanting to walk this path with him again. But if I don't I will lose my best friend. Yet I feel he is already lost to me. Living parallel lives as it suit him. Mostly I feel a non entity in his life. I don't know where I fit anymore. A feeling I never thought I would experience again. Feeling sorry for myself I know. Sobriety wasn't an easy path but it developed into a wonderful way of life. Family and friends often joked we had 'the good life' and we did. I hope I find strength.. I don't know how to live positively with an active alcoholic. Again thank you I guess I will keep coming back..
Aloha Anastasia and welcome to the board...I had to look up the meaning of your name because I felt it had reference to what we have gone thru in the disease of alcoholism. "Resurrection" of course that is what happened to my spirit, mind and body after coming into the program and working it to save my life.
Earliest memories are of the definition of alcoholism as an incurable disease that can only be arrested with total abstinence and comes with a relapse warning that ought we not continue on a daily basis this program of recovery relapse is eminent. I feel compassion and empathy and concern as I just recently spent an hour with my sponsor talking to him about the disease creeping back into my spirit and life without concern for my 37 years of serene and sober living. This disease is surely cunning powerful and baffling regardless of our recovery. I am a double a member of both program and alcoholism doesn't respect that. The disease came thru the door of egotism, pride and a shallowing of faith and once inside the door surprisingly its roots started to grow deep. I am shaken while grateful for my meeting and sponsor this morning and the inventory we went thru leaves me fearful for it even happening. I am not usually complacent and can be had like this when my ego comes into front...and it did and now I have to be very careful because the residual feelings have put me on guard where I usually need additional management...meetings, literature, prayer and meditation and sponsorship.
I feel deep compassion for both you and your husband...especially for you because of what you have mentioned here. The opportunity for victimhood on both parts was a invitation to pull away from my HP to do the hand to hand battle by myself and I never won one of those...always made it so much worse. I am older now and not so able, I don't think to fight for my peace of mind and serenity right off. I am more ready to be hurtful. Prayer, meditation, listening, reading, meetings and sponsor work can and will do the job.
My prayers for both you and your husband and children. (((((hugs)))))
I think the alcoholic in our life has to blame someone or something for their drinking. I have been going to Al-anon for over 10 years. It has saved my life. I also love this site and I think you will find answers here. I know the feeling you are feeling - rush of the past moving forward, chaos, watching for anything they are doing wrong. It has been the hardest thing to deal with. Right now for me boundaries are working. I wish you the best with prayers and positive thoughts going your way!
Thank you for your kind words all of you.. It is times like this I am used to turning to him, my strong mindful husband. Until last night I felt very alone. I have been shouldering blame for his relapse I can feel this morning that I am not the cause of it, cannot correct it or control it. My tools are rusty I am ready today to clean them. My intention today is to be in each moment (try) I will submerse myself into proactive activities with my children, share my time lovingly, I feel I have not been mindfully present with them as I should be. I will ask my higher power for forgiveness and guidance.
I too welcome you to MIP! So glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I love that you've already found the tools of one day at a time, and today is a new day. I met and married my AH in recovery - he relapsed at about the 8 year mark and never returned to recovery. I have stayed sober and we've certainly had our ups/downs as well as tons of sadness, chaos, drama. It took me a long while to get to Al-Anon and to actually remove my focus on him, what was, etc. to me. I am so grateful that I was able to switch the focus as it's made my life blessed in many, many ways.
One of the best tools for me when the proverbial @#$% hit the fan was realizing how powerful the disease is and how powerless I am over it. I was able to separate the disease from my person and that saved my sanity. I spent a long time with anger, resentments, sadness, grief, despair and more negative energy that is healthy but I turned the corner and now know more about the disease and how it affects the mind, heart, body and soul of the diseased.
Anytime I begin to critique my AH or my other qualifiers in my mind, I try to redirect my thinking to me....in anyway possible. So glad to hear that you are dusting off the tools - you will reap the rewards in Al-Anon and there is always hope.
Keep coming back and (((hugs)))!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
