The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So last weekend sir drinksalot took us out for our birthday and he was really pretty awesome. He kept himself nice, didn't drink a lot all weekend, and then went home with the obvious intent of getting hammered, which is not my business as long as he isn't doing it at my house. It was kind of a big deal as in 10 years of shared birthdays we'd never had a nice one together. This year he said he was going to make up for "all of the awful ones" and he did, I was really happy to have a nice celebration to file away amongst my memories. Nice job.
Anyway he doesn't do gifts- never has. So last weekend I was admiring a cheese-grater and he bought it for me saying "oh well, that can be your birthday present" which resulted in a week of "hows the grater?" "It's grate" "I'm really grateful for it" and so on. Hardy har har.
Anyway he came over again yesterday (surprise?) Turns out he'd had a gift made for me. It's a locket. It's gorgeous. It's even engraved. I love it. The grater was an amusing diversion apparently. Wow? He'd put so much thought and effort into it; I was stunned. He was tired from working so after presenting me with this gift he watched half a movie with me, fell asleep and woke up today, fixed a few things around my house, fiddled with my car and mowed the lawns. Started drinking while he was doing it and went home, and is now quite merry judging by his skype call. Once again, not my business. Still, it's hard to wrap my head around him coming all the way here to give me a lovely gift, mow the lawns and fix stuff and go home. I've never had a guy in my life who did any of that, lol, especially not him when we lived together. I could get used to it.
And to be fair I am getting used to it; he's been doing this for the last almost-2-years of living apart- just visiting, helping out and being nice and then going home. (Well, mostly. Drunk, he's still painful). Now that he's working and has a car again, he's been so nice to be around. (Happier, more self esteem etc I guess). Occasionally reminding me that he hopes, one day, we will live together again. And I cannot go there because it was so bad. And he still drinks and I still hate his face when he is drunk and, how do I reconcile this sweet, loving version of him with the really nightmarish live-in version? He says, his addiction to world of warcraft drove him insane and he'll never let that happen again. And I believe it did drive him crazy, but he's prone to obsessions and free-range addiction. He could easily go there again. It doesn't just go away. So no, we can't live together. He asked me today, when he was mowing, if we could ever live together again. I told him not any time soon; my focus is on finishing my degree and getting my grumpy teenager through high school. I don't put the blame on him; I've told him, when we lived together, I was so consumed with our dramas that I couldn't parent or run my own life properly. And that I have to make those things my priority now. And he seems to respect and support that. Still, it's hard saying goodbye all the time. I feel very empty for a few days after he leaves. Maybe that would be different if I wasn't isolated in a depressing house/neighbourhood. He goes home to his brother and his fiance and their lovely house, where they fuss over him, take him out to movies etc. Sometimes I'm jealous of that. I wish I had more positive people in MY life. It is hard here with princess angry-face as my only company most of the time. But then, I value my freedom and love my independence so maybe that empty, lonely feeling is just me and something I need to work on from the inside out and not the other way around.
So I guess all I can do is be happy to have had another lovely weekend, and a gorgeous gift to enjoy, and, I had the best of him and now he's at home and I don't have to deal with the drinking. It has to be enough, because I don't want anything different really. It isn't just about him and his drinking anyway; truly I do not think I could ever compromise enough to live with a partner again. I've learned to love my freedom and independence too much for that.
I don't make much sense, do I?
In other news, I got my semester 1 results last week and I did really well. I even passed the subject I was utterly certain I had failed. Hooray! I look at what I've done in the past couple of years and I think, I can do more now. I can finish this degree, I can move forward. I've been writing a novel and guess what- I believe I can finish it. I can get into good healthy shape. (Any day now...lol). Progress, not perfection. One next right thing after another.
Thanks for reading
(((Everyone)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 17th of July 2016 10:51:31 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Nice mel. Seems like a MUCH more rich and fulfilling life you are living a day at a time. Coping skills...acceptance, changes you have made, and your wisdom to know what is worth your time and energy are vastly improved. Can't say if this arrangement with the ABF will last or work forever but seems to be ok for now. Much of you being treated better does seem yhe result of you developing and sticking to consistent boundaries. Would be nice if you got a little more time with other grown ups/friends.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 17th of July 2016 11:20:59 AM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 17th of July 2016 11:21:56 AM
Boundaries are my new forever friends now Pink, lol. Grown-up friends will happen if I keep living "out in the world"- I have to believe that because I don't have time for a more pro-active approach at the moment. I'm not super pleased at the moment because i chose to live in this isolated crappy location so that daughter could go to her school and do her special smart kid program and now she's failing everything and is very unpleasant to live with...she promises to do better this semester and I have stipulated that if she doesn't, we move to somewhere that works for me and she just goes to whatever school is convenient. That's a boundary I intend to stick to. Lets hope she knows it.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Yay for all of this! It sounds as if you've got realistic expectations and those are giving you a really rewarding life.
I know sometimes I slip and think, "I really wish so-and-so would do X with me." Then I have to say to myself, "You know so-and-so is limited and just can't do X and is never going to be able to do X." Doesn't mean I don't want someone to do X with me. Just have to not expect it from that person.
This has taken me years to learn. And you have got it down already. And are reaping the rewards. Plus you have a grater!
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Lol Alyce, I grately appreciate your support and compliment
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Dear Ms. M I am so pleased that "Sirdrinksalot purchased such a lovely gift for you as well as the grater. That was very thoughtful . Keep an open mind on the subject, appreciate all the goodness that comes to you but do remember to maintain your hard won Boundaries. It appears that HP is providing you with the support and care that you so deserve.
Your recovery is impressive. Your accomplishments are equally so and I'm so glad that you passed your course with flying colors. Keep on keeping on life will get better and better.
I do love your new picture is that the new hairdo?
What a grate post and a grate surprise!!! (want me to keep going....lololol)!
How lovely that you can use your tools and your program to 'see' that in him which is lovely, good and giving. It's also cool that you can see things he's not for you and may or may not ever be. I am so excited for you that he had made a special gift, just for you - that's super exciting. Gifts that require thought and energy are so very special - he done good!
Congrates (ok....that one is a stretch) on the lovely grades for your schooling. You are on the home stretch and I see the horizon in your future girl. So excited to see all your growth and your program at work - your processing sounds logical and peaceful - telling me that when we work it, it works well.
Accepting that which we can't change and being grateful for what we have and celebrating who we've become is what I see in your post...keep working it MissMel - it looks so good on you!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks ladies
Betty, that is the hair-do the day after I had it done, when it was still 'pouffy" lol. I haven't taken a better picture yet.
Iamhere, I accept your congrate-ulations with grate-itude, lol.
Thank you for the support; love you guys.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Loved reading your post this morning. Alanon is such a gift. You have said so much here and it seems to me it's all the tools your using and beautifully. Your reaping the rewards and thanks for the reminder to do the next right thing.
ROFL................................love that Kenny - truly fits here very well! Reminds me how GRATEful....I am!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
MissMeliss
What a GRATE post ;) (I had to join in). But honestly I always appreciate your posts. I enjoy the sense of humour and positivity you have. I am glad you had a happy birthday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Thanks for the inspiring post.
on.
