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"One of the hardest decision you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder."
I feel the need to share my story with somebody who understands. I will try to make it as short as possible. Even though I am sure each of our stories could make a novel, if not a trilogy. I would appreciate any comments or feedback. I am strong, but I hurt.
I have been married to my addict husband for nearly 2 years. Two years of ups and dows. We met, fell in love, and after a couple of months in a long distance relationship he relocated to Europe to be with me. We got married after a couple of months. The first year was great. He was a perfect husband, loving and caring. He was in recovery, going to meetings, working with his sponsor, working on his spirituality. Till one day he relapsed. On weed. A relapse that didn't end so well. He ended up in a closed psych ward with a drug induced psychosis. I stood by his side. The next six months with repeated psychotic episodes were a nightmare, mainly because in his psychotic episodes I was the main target, he hated and despised me, everything about me was wrong, I was his enemy.
We moved to the US. We found a great psychiatrist, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, was finally given the right meds to stabilize his bipolar disorder and to kick the psychosis. He got a great job, went back to school, went back to AA, got a sponsor. Everything seemed to be getting back on the right path. Till after 9 months sober he relapsed on Xanax (his drug of choice). One day he simply didn't come home, he went on a Xanax binge istead. And didn't come home for a week saying that he is staying with sober friends and just needs TIME... One of many (pretty much inconsitent) lies (and I think the lying is as a matter of fact the worst part). After he finally admitted that he's using, I had a calm, serious talk with him. I told him that there's only two options and he needs to decide how he wants to live his life - either a steady, peaceful, responsible family life with me, but there's no space for drugs in this life, or an active addict life - but there is no space for me in that one. I told him that I loved him very much and that I would do anything to support him in recovery, just like i supported him through the psychosis, but we need to be on the same page and he needs to commit to recovery, otherwise it's pointless, we are just both wasting time making each other unhappy and miserable. He was crying. Said that he cannot afford to lose everything again because of drugs. He went back to AA, found an amazing sponsor, very spiritual. This time, he said, it will work, because this time he's really working the steps, working towards spiritual awakening. Three months later and the vicious cycle goes on. Another relapse. The lying game again, this time he admits right away, he is using again. I ask him to come home, he does but can't even look me in the eyes, sleeps on the couch. He sleeps the entire next day, gets up at 6 PM and says with anger that he's going to a meeting. Later in the evening I find out that he didn't go to a meeting, but to an AA friend that he relapsed with the first time and yes they are using but they are trying to help each other out by contemplating how to stop... This time I have had enough. I have learned that trying to communicate with an active addict is like talking to a person from a different planet. I cannot rationalize the bull*** he is trying to convince me of and he cannot understand my reasoning. I tell him I don't want him to come home till he gets sober. When he gets sober, he can come home and we can talk and see how we move from there. I don't want to be around him while he's high. Partly because it hurts too much, partly because I want to protect and maintain my own sanity and partly because I don't want to start feeling resentment. He is FURIOUS, but comes home, packs his things and leaves. I feel relieved. I keep in touch with his parents who have always been trying to support him and me as much as they could. They are trying to contact him. He blocks the three of us out. The next morning, on Monday, I find out through his mother, that he is at his brother's, he is safe and he is going to work and just needs TIME (I guess this is what addicts mean when they want time off to use?). Days pass by and we don't hear anything from him. And I am thinking since he has blocked my number, he doesn't want to be contacted, so I don't attempt to. On thursday his mother follows up with his brother and apparently he is fine. I have a strange feeling so I contact his sponsor. He says that he is sure he is fine and I have nothing to worry about. On Friday I get a message from my husband. In a very angry tone: "WT* when are we going to talk?" I say: this is not a very nice way to start off communication after not communicating for five days. He says he has been in a hospital for the past five days and the WTF is because I didn't even care where he was? I'm thinking: He was the one who blocked my number. He says WE NEED TO TALK. Suggests tomorrow afternoon. I can't stand it anymore at work, my anxiety is up to the roof. I go home early, see his car parked in front of our garage. And next to him is his best buddy from his addict past. His addict buddy. A walking pharmacy. A person my husband turns to first when he relapses. My husband's still wearing this FURIOUS mask. WHY is he MAD at ME?
I am confused. I don't know if I should meet with him tomorrow. It feels like he is not in the right mindframe for a productive conversation. It feels like he is still driven by anger, guilt and fear. And I am still too driven by pain. Too many negative emotions on both sides. But yet the talk is inevitable.
"One of the hardest decision you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder." How do you know exactly when enough is enough?
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but glad you have found us.
Your husband has clearly felt the pull of addiction, and even though he has been in recovery before, it sounds like if he choose recovery again (whether he will or not is still not clear), it won't be like flipping a switch and you get a non-addict husband. He still has to do all that learning and recovering and working his program hard - harder than last time, because last time ended in a relapse.
When my A (alcoholic) was in a similar state, I was full of anxiety about what to do. I thought I had to choose, right then: stick with it, or call it quits? And that meant trying to predict the future.
What I didn't realize was that there was plenty of time to see what the future held before choosing. An addict who doesn't choose recovery - that will be clear pretty fast. An addict who tries recovery - there is still the question of if he'll stick with it. So protecting ourselves usually means being cautious until we can be sure that they are going to be working their recovery longterm. It may take a year or two to see how that goes.
That means that one option is neither jumping in or jumping out. Instead it's taking care of ourselves, detaching (probably by separating), but postponing any final decision-making till later on down the line. Meanwhile we have plenty of time to work on our own recovery. Because we need recovery too, as everyone around it is sucked into the insanity of alcoholism.
Al-Anon generally suggests that we wait 6 months before making big decisions, unless there is physical danger involved. That's because even when we know what decision we want to make, our own recovery may suggest different options, and also because recovery will give us the tools and strength to follow through with our decisions once we've made them, without any second-guessing or painful back-and-forthing.
On the whole, my experiences back up the saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Right now your A is showing you that he is an addict who doesn't want to quit. I would expect that to go on until further notice. It isn't likely, in my experience, that he'll get back together with you while still using, and then change his mind about using. That said, you still don't have to make any irrevocable decision today.
I am a little worried when you say that he's angry. If there's any chance at all that he could be violent, please protect yourself and don't meet him to talk in a non-public place, even if you have someone else with you.
I hope you'll find a good meeting - there are meetings online here too if there aren't any in your country. No one should have to go through this alone. Hugs.
As I read your post I was struck by your sense and self-awareness as you write about yourself. I understand that your sanity is important and you seem to see the things that are damaging it clearly. You have been very honest with yourself and your husband and of course the addicted part of him finds that difficult to hear. I hear you listening to how you feel, how certain behaviours make you feel and I hear you taking steps to ease feelings of discomfort - which all sounds good to me.
I found that protecting myself and my own well-being was helpful - not just for me but also for my husband. Some of the anger that we feel is directed at us is really a bit of self-loathing me-thinks.
I agree with Mattie - I stepped aside in my marriage because it was making me ill but I did not leave it entirely. A phrase from a wonderful MIP member helped me with this - they said 'more will be revealed' and I used that phrase a lot.
I hope today goes well, stay safe and feel your own power. It is not an easy situation and you don't have to deal with this on your own. Sending ((((hugs))))
Try harder? I don't see how you could do that other than alanon and taking care of you first. Sounds like time and space might be good....without having to rush into divorce or to major decisions immediately. All this focus on you and the relationship has him not focusing on recovery. Also same with you, though I compliment you for already having some measure of objectivity and what seems to be a good understanding of addiction.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 16th of July 2016 07:19:34 AM
I understand that only time will show, but I also feel that this waiting and pending a decision is painful itself. As Paulo Coelho said: Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.
But for now I'm taking it one day at a time and focusing on myself and my sanity.
Right now I am still struggling with the decision if I should meet him this afternoon. Part of me is telling me that communication is the key. Another part is questionning if effective communication is even possible at the moment, considering his mind frame and anger. But then I also think that I am not in his head and the only way to find out what he thinks and feels, what he's plans are, if he's using or getting sober, is to talk to him. I'm totally confused.
Tivi Welcome You do have another choice-- instead of deciding to walk away or try again--- you can decide to seek recovery for yourself. If you do this you will then be able to make healthy choices for your life regardless of what he says because the focus will be on you and what you need and want.
Alanon meetings, The Steps and a sponsor helped me to do just that .
I do hope you decide to help yourself and keep coming back here There is hope.
In a regular relationship, communication is the key. In a relationship with an addict, that kind of communication is pretty much impossible. Their minds are addlied by the drugs or drink. They're not capable of thinking logically, and they don't want to think logically. If they were thinking logically, they would have realized that their addiction was out of control long ago. So in my experience, communication is not the key. That may ease your mind.
Learning to focus on myself is the challenge. At times I wonder what it is I need to hear from my AH that would allow me to trust him, make me want to stay, or finally decide to go. What would it take? The words really matter to me, because I'm a words person. But looking back over our history, the actions are the truest evidence. I like what Mattie said, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." I find myself wanting to believe that he is sincere about not using, but I'm also on high alert, waiting to be disappointed, as I have very little grounds to trust him in this area. Too many disappointments and deceptions. So I'm asking myself, why do I allow him to set the agenda? I can decide what's best for me, what I want things to look like and when to take action instead of waiting to react or judge when something doesn't happen the way I want it to. But acting on my own behalf is scary. What do I do in place of obsessing about his behaviors? Today, I have a FTF meeting and lunch with the group. I will spend time on this board, drawing on the wisdom of others, and praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out. I will work on my step one questions. I will do the next right thing. I will let go and let God do what he does best.
Welcome Tivi, so glad you found the group and found the courage to share your story. My experience differed in details but shared some of the feelings you expressed, and I feel for where you are and the anxiety, fear, and uncertainty that goes along with it.
The comments from Mattie and others are important: your physical safety first and foremost. After that, it's about taking care of your spiritual/mental self. When I found AlAnon, I was maxxed out emotionally and mentally, didn't feel like I could hang in my relationship another day. My first meeting I learned that I could not control or cure another's addiction, and the best thing I could do was direct my effort toward the only thing I could adjust: my own thoughts and perceptions.
I felt a huge relief, and began attending meetings as I could make room for them, and with each one I found relief as I came to understand why I was feeling so 'done', and learned some simple, but powerful tools that brought me peace that I hadn't felt in a long time.
AlAnon has books available (Listed here: AlAnon Family Groups: http://ecomm.al-anon.org/shop) that also helped me let go of some of the anxiety, sadness, and anger that I had been carrying. I read a page a day from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon, and Hope for Today. These helped me gain perspective and a sense of peace that I was not able to figure out while I tried to deal with my partner's addiction using the style I learned growing up.
I did not face physical danger, but was at the point where I thought I had to leave the relationship or lose my mind. I discovered that with some simple adjustments in my own thoughts and behavior, the craziness and insanity of the household dropped significantly. I was able to take advantage of the new calmness I felt to work a lot on me, how I processed things, how I dealt with my partner, how I perceived others.
Everyone's situation is unique, and I can't say what is best for anyone else, but using the things I learned in AlAnon, I was able to make dramatic improvements within myself without ending the relationship or moving out. I was grateful for the AlAnon suggestion to try to avoid making major life decisions until I had time to process some things about myself and try out some adjustments in my thoughts and behavior.
AlAnon helped me learn that trying harder is a great idea when it comes to making improvements on my own thoughts and behavior. Communicating for me was alwaysgood, communicating to try to change others is not. I hope you are able to try out an AlAnon meeting in your area, and please do check out any of the books as there is some great wisdom and lessons to be found.
Hang in there, thanks for reaching out, look forward to hearing more of your journey
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
From someone that has been relapsing and BSing for so long AND demonstrating irrational behavior...anger, entitlement, blaming to shift the focus off his addiction and recovery....I would EXPECT to hear more of that. He is like less and a week sober and off his rocker. I am sure he will say what he sincerely thinks and feels BUT, I think decisons with an addict (relationship wise) are better based off their actions over time rather than words.
Making a plan b helps. That is to make the plan to leave. To look.at what you need to do to leave.
That takes the pressure off everyday. Most of all it took the pressure out of waiting.
Maresie
Aloha Tivi and welcome to the board there is so much value here given by those who have been where you are at and came to the world of serenity...serenity is our sobriety and it includes sanity both awesome levels of healing we fought for when the disease was raging. For me the most awesome direction came in the early meetings when I heard over and over "If you keep and open mind ...you will find help". Help was all I needed without knowing what shape or form it ought come in. I had no idea about the disease of addiction/alcoholism and I didn't even know that I didn't know. I know your pain and concern...I don't like loosing my serenity and sanity along with the loud noises and frightening feelings. I have found out a lot from the open mindedness and the places and people I have gone to be taught including college and more and then becoming a therapist in a large rehab. It was all lessons and still is. I was born and raised within the disease and had no Idea what would have to happen years later so that I could remain sane and alive. Alcoholism is a fatal disease...if not stopped by total abstinence we/they go insane and or die.
Your health and safety are major needs for yourself and others. What worked for me was lots of meetings, the literature, steps...traditions and great sponsorship. Sitting by the side of those who have come before us will have sanity and time and life. I've been in recovery since 2/8/79 and have witnessed more miracles than I thought possible. Please duplicate that which has worked for others and keep coming back.
Turn your Husband over to what ever Higher Power you have in your life cause only that Higher Power can create the miracles necessary to get and keep him sane and sober. (((((hugs)))))
The alanon literature called the merrygoround called denial may help. He is driven by his addiction so talk is most likely useless. He will tell you whatever gives him the least hassle, if you are like I was, you will hear only whatever gives you hope. It's denial .I was in it for years and years. I had to dive right into alanon and I learned I was addicted to the chaos, uncertainty, excitement and drama. It allowed me to avoid myself. I got to blame my unhappiness on him. Alanon showed me how I was stuck in roles I played out. The fixer, the martyr, the victim, the controller. Seeing these truths set me free and set him free because I ended it completely and he has been sober since. We both work the steps separately and my whole family got better.
El-cee, this is exactly how I feel about it: as long as he is driven by his addiction, fear, guilt and anger, conversation is pointless. I have decided and communicated to him that I will not meet with him until he restores his sanity and puts these negative emotions aside. He responded that he agrees and that he is going into rehab tomorrow. Let's see how that goes. Honestly, I am not giving it too much hope. And the thought of me losing hope and giving up on my husband so fast (its not even been 2 years and as I can see most of you have been or were fighting for 10-20 years) hurts me inside.
I think I automatically started detaching emotionally after my As previous relapse. I think I even slowly started making a plan B without even knowing I was doing so.
I have always been a very spiritual person, always seeking emotional growth and reflection. I know it is very difficult to be objective about yourself, but I believe I was able to focus on myself to a certain extent which allowed me to define my needs and my expectations and to clearly see that these are not being met. But usually your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.
I understand that Al-Anon can provide me with tools to cope and stay sane while in a relationship with an A and with the help of detaching and keeping the focus on myself I can have peace and serenity. But is this enough? Dont we all deserve a healthy meaningful relationship?
You can obviously have some version of a relationship. But even during periods of sobriety, I doesnt really feel like a real relationship with trust and respect already being scratched. Like if you would compare a relationship to a glass thats been scratched. The glass is still whole but the crack is present
Depends on your wants and needs in a relationship once you do get some alanon under your belt. This is not about "fighting" to save your marriage. It is about surrendering to save your sanity. What happens with the marriage ultimately will be figured out at the right time. Also, nobody here is gonna glamorize staying with an alcoholic for 10 to 20 years. It is painful and many might say they wished they left earlier. Those that stayed or are still with going on 10 or 20 years have their own issues and most of them I hear saying they at least wish they were in alanon earlier.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 17th of July 2016 11:09:21 AM
Al-anon won't necessarily provide someone with the tools to stay sane in a relationship with an addict. It can provide you with tools for determining what the best choices are for yourself. For some people, that might involve remaining in a relationship with their partner because they've discovered that they can in fact live peacefully and even happily with that person and their behaviours/choices with detachment and love. But if you hate the behaviours and choices and it impacts on your ability to function then no amount of al-anon is going to make that an easy or joyful experience.
I think the key is to forget about making decisions about the relationship (al-anon suggests waiting 6 months before making major decisions, if it's safe/tolerable to do that) and instead focus inwards on yourself and what you want and need from life. Realistically, if your husband is on this crazy rollercoaster of quitting/using he's not really likely to be consistent enough to make any agreements about the future so trying to lock down any kind of plan with him is kind of just setting yourself up for more heartache.
If you can leave him to ride his rollercoaster and focus on you and what you need, in time you'll have a much better picture of what you will and won't live with and it might look quite different to the way it does right now.
I'd also say, never mind about how long you or anyone else has lived with insanity. We all have different stories with a lot of similar themes running through. There's no glory in forcing yourself to be miserable for any length of time.
Hugs.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Please be gentle with yourself! I don't think that you are giving up on anyone - it is sad for sure, but being aware and realistic is not something to feel guilty about in my humble opinion.
Deciding to leave after two years isn't necessarily a sign of "giving up" or weakness. It may be a sign of health. Similarly sticking with it for 10-20 years may not be a sign of health or integrity. It may be a sign of dysfunction and of being too emotionally beaten down to have the stamina to leave. Everyone's situation is different and we can't say that "All people who do X are ________."
I do see that most of us who have been sucked into the insanity of alcoholism are people who stuck it out too long at the beginning. Many of us (not all) had some inkling of our A's excessive drinking at the beginning, in the first month or so of knowing them. People who are not habituated to alcoholism, or who had their emotional wits about them, would probably have said, "Whoa! This person drinks way more than I am comfortable with! That's a bad sign! Time to demote this relationship to a friendship. A relationship with someone who drinks too much is just going to cause me pain - I'm backing out before I get invested here."
But instead we tend to respond with something like one of the following: "I bet it's not so bad." "If I explain it to him I bet he would stop." "This feels familiar, I do like familiar." "Well, everybody does it." "I bet I couldn't find anyone better anyway." "But he likes me! How often does that happen? Better stick with this one because someone better might not come along." "But he's so great in all these other ways, I bet they outweigh the drinking." "He just needs to grow up." "If I ignore it, it won't be a problem." "I'm just going to hope for the best." Etc.
In that situation, sticking with it was a bad decision. I bet not one person here, if asked "If you could sign up for all the grief and pain again, would you do it?", would say, "Sure thing! Where do I sign?" The silver lining for many of us is that we found our way to Al-Anon and better health. But the sad truth is that we see many codependents who do not find their way to Al-Anon. And what we learn to do in Al-Anon is to pay attention to the red flags and the alarm bells when they go off.
This is all by way of saying that leaving after two years, if that should be the best decision, is not "quitting" or shameful. It can be the best move you can make for yourself. However you quit the merry-go-round, whether by leaving or by staying, jumping off that insanity is crucial. Take good care of yourself.
My husband relapsed after almost 8 years of sobriety. He picked up again 18 months ago. We moved home and country 4 years ago (escaped to the country - a joint dream for our family). He took up work as a long distance lorry driver, away from home all week, living alone in his cab. While I kept the self sufficient lifestyle going with our four children until we were in a position for him to work from home. Sadly during this time his meetings dwindled to none, his long time sponsor passed away and my health became stressed. He drank silently for six months (maybe 12). I had suspicions but did not raise them. Finally he confessed naming my being ill as his reason. The following weeks and months have been a steady reenactment of old patterns and behaviours. I recently reached a point of powerless ness after a period of denial. The 12 step program was our life for 8 years. Helped me reach a place of serenity and helped me forgive him and myself for many episodes, hurts, lies and crazy behaviour during some dark times. I became complacent, never thought old doors would open, old wounds would erupt, old patterns replace new ones, hard earned honesty replaced with deceit and dishonesty, once again in a crazy place. All the truths of AA I know do work, if worked, are a jumble in my mind as my husband attempts to convince me in his sickness that he never needed AA and that all the unmanageability that has become us once again is in fact in my head. I am reaching out today for a sane hand. Any advice very welcome. Sorry if I jumped on another's thread or story. Hopefully there is a mutual help from my sharing. I find myself asking the same question stay and work harder or leave. I love him and I know his sickness. I don't know if I'm strong enough. I know I am powerless.
Anastasia, I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. You might want to start a new thread, because some people won't find you in the middle of one they might think they're already read. Hope you are taking good care of yourself.
I am fairly new to Al-anon and I look forward to the day that I can say I have worked through all the steps.
One of the most frustrating things I found prior to Al-anon was that therapists, friends or family only thought that there were two options: my alcoholic stops drinking or I need to leave. There was never any acknowledgment that being in a relationship with an alcoholic was part of my pattern, and my life. I was raised by a mother who is a recovering alcoholic, and my husband is an alcoholic as well.
Intuitively, I knew that simply leaving would not fix all of my problems. I didn't completely understand why, but I knew that it would only change my physical proximity to him, and not the drama, dysfunction and chaos that I have created as a way of life. I can't keep count of how many times I prayed and wished for him to stop drinking, and thinking that it was the biggest source of our problems. Truth is, our issues run very deep, and active drinking compounds them. It was a hard reality to face.
I am someone that has been married for 18 years. At times, I think it would have been better to leave early. Maybe not. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it became much worse in the last five years, vs. the first 13. I also had amazing times with him. We are here. No point in what ifs.
I think it's important to remember that as we work on ourselves, our options will look different. I know the power of what the work creates. I know that I found Al-anon when I was meant to. Maybe I wouldn't have been ready for the message or the messenger.
Anastasia, I hope that you find time to simply be and breathe. Focus on your sanity, health and well-being. When your focus shifts from the user to you, you are sending the universe a powerful message. Be ready for the response.
-- Edited by Kcsnooze on Monday 18th of July 2016 03:24:47 PM
A short update on my story as the most recent happenings are causing me questions (and I always need to understand everything - that's just the way I'm wired). I haven't seen my husband since his relapse. He is going into rehab today so I expected to hear from him before that. And here it goes. He says we need to figure our living situation and what we are going to do about rent since he's not going to be there for at least a month and he's considering going into sober living after that (The house is way to expensive for me to pay it all by myself and we have a lease until April next year, so I don't know how I am going to do this, but if I have to - I will figure it out). He says he doesn't think this relationship can continue after this, as there is only so much each of us can take. He says he is MAD at me for so many things. That he cannot be who he feels comfortable being, that he cannot have a gun (I'm a pacifist and also considering his history with psychotic episodes I wouldn't feel safe having a gun in my house and this is also how I explained it to him), that I didn't care about him and what was happening to him for the past week. And so on and so forth. All of a sudden I'm his worst enemy! Is it a typical addict behavior? Is it him trying to shift his guilt and find something to blame? Is it his addiction and anger speaking? Or is it really how he feels about me and the relationship? Because if so, why would he even be with me, if I'm making his life so miserable. And I thought he (or the addict part of him) was the one making mine miserable ;)
It's probably something not even worth breaking my head, but I'm very interested in your opinions and experiences!
(((TIVI)) Seeing the relationship through the eyes of the alcoholic is alarming. I must say that my partner had many good points when he opened up and I truly saw that I was not the victim. I too had many defects that contributed to the unhappiness in our lives. Alanon helped me to address these and move forward.
In my experience some of his accusations will be completely nutso and some will be realistic. And some in between. For instance, you may be wholly justified in saying you can't have a gun in the house. (With someone with a history of psychosis, I would feel exactly the same way, for what it's worth - plus you are entitled to have your feelings as a pacifist even apart from the threat of psychosis.) But if he feels that's a deal-breaker for him, he "gets" to have that opinion. Certainly it's quite late in the game for him to express that opinion, and he should have been up front about it - but since alcohol numbs feelings, it's not surprising that it only came out now, though it's unfortunate.
But alcoholics can't think straight, and they will dump everything, the reasonable objections and the crazy ones, in the same pot together, and stir it all up, and not have any idea how to handle it in a heathy way.
If his rehab "takes," he will be learning more about how to live heathily, though it won't be instant by any means. If it does not "take," that will be clear too. As the saying goes, "More will be revealed." Meanwhile taking care of yourself is the priority, so you don't have to live life holding your breath for how soon it will be revealed. Hang in there.
An alcoholic about to enter treatment is so freaking powerless. Right upon entry, that is often when they lash out at family the WORST because subconsciously or consciously you are making him break up with his mistress booze. That said, what does or does not make him happy in a relationship is certainly debatable and he is entitled to his views?
In my world, I listen for the intent and content, and not the emotion....I too am one who thinks I need all the answers in my time frame and well - that is counter productive to my serenity and joy. We do not know what tomorrow will bring....ever. Having said this, he (crazily or not) is making a Plan B - which is giving you notice that he's not paying rent and intends to not live there after treatment. I would certainly plan with these facts so you don't end up homeless. That's just the way I roll. I would consider the anger and the targeted emotional outburst as the disease reacting to the fear of going to treatment.....just my own observations.
The way I understand recovery for us is we get to find our peace, strength and joy which has often been stolen by the disease and the diseased. If your peace and joy require a home with no guns, that's a boundary. If your peace and joy require a home with no substances, that's a boundary. You get to decide what's right for your life and surroundings and we all have core values that are important to us - and rarely do they align perfectly.
I struggle to take positive action with emotional outbursts, but with the help of this program, I've become a better listener and can extract actionable (for me) items from a tantrum or illogical discussion with my qualifiers. I no longer ever go back and seek to clarify unless I absolutely have to. I look at the facts and make a plan and go. This has not failed me ever so long as I've used the tools of this program to ensure my motives are pure and my actions are not selfish but self-preserving.
For now, I would breathe and then try to see what you can determine affects you/your home/your future. I have wasted so much time waiting for my qualifiers to get clear thinking for a 'discussion' that never happened. I try to take care of me and no longer wait for others to grow up, communicate logically or get clear-minded.
I hope for his health and sanity he does take treatment seriously and recovers. But, we are here for your health and recovery and getting to meetings while he's rehabbing is a great start!!
Keep coming back - if you work this program, you will find answers for you and about the disease.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That pre-rehab outburst sounds familiar to me. I used to call them 'hissie-fits'. I remember that when I felt as if I was the enemy I paused and thought about who was doing the talking. If it was the alcoholic behaviour talking then yes, I would happily own up to being it's enemy.
Actions speak louder than words - your husband is booking into rehab. When my husband used to say similar things to me it really kept my attention on him as I tried to figure out what on earth was going on, and that way I was still hooked, so the abuse worked!!!
When I keep the focus on me, my day, my needs, my dreams I tend to have much better days.
Tivi - so glad to hear you are headed to an Al-Anon meeting! I've been to both and while the steps are very similar, the culture is different. Go with an open mind and just feel the love! I believe that it is in my first Al-Anon meeting that I felt I could take a deep breathe and just absorb peace for an hour - with a numb body, mind and soul. I remember leaving and realizing how long it had been since I just sat still, listened and breathed....my brain always had been going 90 miles a minute trying to stay one step ahead of the disease or figuring out a logical reaction to the illogical elements of the disease.
I learned all I needed to do was focus on me, my sanity and the present moment. It was such a gift to be with others who understood how absolutely challenging it is to live with this disease...
Please post and let us know how it goes. As far as what he says and how you feel, we learn in the program to focus on our truth and try to react with grace and dignity. Self-preservation and self-protection are always great places to process...I learned that my intentions were often good, but my delivery wasn't as kind as it could be - so ... when we know better, we do better!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
A very good suggestion to me when I first entered the rooms was "keep and open mind" I didn't know anything and was the kindergarten child so listening (slowly) and then reaching out and asking questions of members who seem to be very knowledgeable was key. "Take your time" I was told..."you didn't get here overnight and you won't learn it overnight either". Get a Higher Power of your own understanding and build that relationship. The alcoholic and his disease is no longer your Higher Power. (((hugs)))
