Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: I am worried my husband is texting with AA women in his group at rehab


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
I am worried my husband is texting with AA women in his group at rehab


I have been married for 37 years, and my husband is addicted to anything and everything. Alcohol, cigarettes, porn, internet, sex chatting and who knows what else. He has been in rehab for 8 weeks ... and I don't know what is going on. He came home for the weekend and I noticed on his phone that he was texting with other patients from his group. Curiously, I noticed that the texts from the males where all there and yet from the female he had removed all texts from her. I am trying not to let it bother me but it does. There is history of him sex chatting with women ... he is a womanizer. When I tried to talk to him about it ... he said it is just supporting the people from his group. 

He has not really talked to me about all that has been going on with him, and I feel left out that he is discussing me and very intimate things with another woman. I am suprised that if he has womanizing problems the program he is in at Homewood is not keeping this from happening again. Am i being silly?

I am new to all of this and realize that i have been effected from years of emotional abuse, I need help and would appreciate any advice. 

 

 

 

 

 



-- Edited by Frannie on Wednesday 13th of July 2016 12:41:49 AM

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Hello Frannie  Welcome to Miracles in Progress.   Alcoholism is a chronic progress three fold disease that affects the drinker physically, emotionally and spiritually.  When drinking stops, that address the physical nature in part, practicing a recovery program on a consistent basis addresses the other two.    It is all a process and takes much time and effort. Change cannot happen over night and that is why we, who live with the disease require a program of recovery of our own--- Alanon is that program.
 
Like AA alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.  It is here I learned new constructive tools to live by  and broke the terrible isolation caused by living with a disease over which I was powerless.
 

 

There is hope and help  Keep coming back.


__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 373
Date:

My ex AH went to rehab. He had totally enmeshed relationships with women there. This behavior was incredibly hurtful for me What I have been looking at lately us my expectations. My expectations of him were way off. I mean they were off the wall. I had some idea (can't imagine where from) that rehab might change him. He waa certainly a great shiwman . None of my expectations measured up but I didn't revise them . Maresie

__________________
Maresie


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

Welcome to MIP Frannie - glad you found us and glad that you found your courage to join in and share. The disease of alcoholism is powerful and progressive. Often those affected transfer addictions from one substance to another or one thing to another. In our side of the program, Al-Anon, we work to understand more about the disease and the diseased. We work to restore our own sanity, self-worth and self-esteem. The best suggestion I have is as Betty suggests - get engaged and involved with Al-Anon at the local level.

In Al-Anon, I found others who understood better than most what I felt, how I thought and how chaotic living with this disease is. They taught me to stop obsessing over what he is/is not doing, but instead to keep the focus on me. They told me to let go of all I wanted in life and focus on what I needed. I had to learn through this program that my expectations were not realistic and perhaps needed to be rethought. I had to let go of my Alcoholic, and realize that the disease, not the person, was in control.

Choose you and seek out local support. It's the best step I took in my war against the disease, and I now have joy and peace in my life in spite of what others are/are not doing! Keep coming back - it works if you work it.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 25
Date:

Welcome to MIP. I hope you'll keep coming back to share here with us and for recovery. Your husband has a lot of addictions beyond alcohol. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling because of actions he is choosing to take. At Alanon meetings are for the purpose of validating that pain and taking constructive steps toward feeling sane and focused on healthy day to day living no matter what anyone close to us is choosing to do no matter how close their relationship is to us. We share our experience, our strength and our hope with others and find viable solutions by listening to the sharings of others in the program, getting to know the program and working it with an Alanon sponsor and inviting a higher power a god of our own choosing into that process. What is said in the meetings and Alanon person to Alanon person is kept confidential. The program is modeled after the AA program but Alanon is mean't for family and friends of alcoholics.

I understand you hurt feelings, worry, anger and fear as many of us do here. You have a long marriage and from what you've written, you've been living like this a very long time. In Alanon we don't advise people about what actions to take in their personal relationships. Although in may ways our lives may look similar, each of us is an individual with a right to make choices that are best for us. Rewards of attending meetings and working the Alanon program at least for myself personally.. is that gathering with others to support and validate one another, working the program with another person in Alanon (a sponsor) and turning to a power greater than myself (higher power) has helped me to feel less alone, find serenity, self worth and self love. It's also helped me to find clarity about my own life situation. One of the very important awakenings has been that I cannot love anyone else in a healthy way until I love myself and treat myself in that manner. Today, thanks to this program I do love myself and ask the guidance of the god of my understanding concerning involving myself in the situations of others.

I hope you'll continue to join us here if you feel it's helping you. Your husband AA program and what is said is confidential just as Alanon is. The only thing you can do is care for yourself. Whether he chooses recovery is up to him. Nothing you do or don't do will change that. Alanon recovery is for you not to help him get sober. We have Alanon meetings at this site twice a day. Maybe you'll come and decide how it feels for you.  There's plenty of unconditional love and support here.  Thank you for sharing.  (((hugs))) TT



__________________

Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

Welcome! I do not think you are off the wall here at all. I echo the suggestions to get involved in alanon. From what you say, your husband has some DEEPLY rooted, long standing patterns of addiction that run way deeper than just drinking/using (as is typically the case). Realistically speaking, at 2 months sober a person is mostly the same but without the substance. Some of the worst "intoxicated" behaviors might not be there, but the other ones may actually be WORSE because they don't have the booze/drug crutch.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3968
Date:

I can relate to being married to an alcoholic with many other addictions. Finding al-anon face to face meetings in my area helped me immensely and there I found my sponsor. I learned to focus on myself and made changes from within. The books "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped along with the 3 daily readers Courage to Change, One Day at a Time and Hope For Today all helped me get my perspective more aligned in a healthy way. This program works when you dive in and work the steps. I am glad you came to MIP!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:

Thank you to everyone for their replies and words of wisdom. This AH has got me going in circle again. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday, and it is not an easy conversation. If I ask any questions ... he gets on the defensive and its like we can't talk at all anymore. He is still lying and hiding anything to do with his free time there. It is hard for me, he is quite far away .... and I have no idea what is going on in his life. And yet, I freely tell him what I have been up to and where I go. What I don't understand is why his life is a secret and mine an open book. It just gives way to the shadow of deceit creeping up on me ... and I feel in my heart and gut ... that he is getting quite close with one of his female inmates. And he is avoiding at all cost to tell me anything.


__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2725
Date:

Welcome Frannie~You are in what I think of as an abyss: A large, black deep hole of pain. I was there. My A has multiple addictions, got side -tracked by another woman and treated me with complete disrespect , and I can relate to your struggle. My A was drinking, driving, lying, sneaking around, telling me I was crazy, etc. I came to Alanon to learn how to change my A. Instead I learned how to change myself. After 3 years I am healing, learning, have multiple supports (this board, a sponsor, a wonderful F2F meeting) and I am being guided to a sane and happy life. I can't change my A. I can only change me. I can leave or stay. I can give up inappropriate expectations or keep them. I can empower myself. I do hope you will give Alanon a chance. There is hope and help from people who totally get it! Lyne

__________________

Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 720
Date:

Welcome to MIP. This site has a lot of resources, online meetings, message boards, chat, etc. Face to face meetings are really important also. Good luck and I hope to hear from your soon.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

((((((Frannie))))))) Welcome to MIP,

The phrase that jumped out at me in your first post here is 'affected by emotional abuse'. I guess that hit me because it took me a very long time to come to terms with that in my own marital relationship. I went through a period of thinking that I had to redefine who I was. After a short period of thinking of myself as a victim I stopped because I came to think that I was so used to feeling hurt that I was now doing it to myself. I really knuckled down to find out what things made me feel good about myself, and then I resolutely set out to do those things.

I also had fears of my husband getting overly intimate with another woman. I still do really! But now I don't think about what I can do to stop him, but I do think about what I can do. I can not control his actions so instead I have a pact with myself about (a) what I would do if I discovered that he was having an affair and (b) how much time I am going to invest in worrying about it, which is about zero. I wore a rubber band on my wrist and pinged it whenever these thoughts came to my mind and that helped me to stop giving such negativity my energy.

I have spent some time thinking about what it is I need from my husband and if he is not in a position to deliver these things then I go about getting my needs met in other ways. I am not suggesting affairs or flirtations - I don't need those things!! But I do get lonely, so getting out and being with friends is important to me. I have things in my life I enjoy such as painting, patchwork and the courses that I have been taking and these are the thoughts that I choose to have occupying my mind.

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.