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Post Info TOPIC: Losing "couple" friends
El


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Losing "couple" friends


I am very sad to see that over time it has become more and more difficult to get together with friends and family that we have hung with as couples or groups. My AH with enough alcohol becomes sarcastic and insulting especially to the women.  In my confronting days I would frequently tell him that he just doesn't like women. He strongly denies it saying that he LOVES women. Yes, you lust women, but you don't like them, I would say.  I gave him examples of all the women we know and how slowly but surely he has become more derogatory toward them if not to their face, but in talking about them.  Almost every single female family member or friend, he has slowly turned against.

His sarcasm and insults to ME have lessened because I have called him on every single one. Now, he is careful because he doesn't want me to be right.

However, because I don't want to be embarrassed or my friends to be insulted, I don't want to get together as couples. There are so many times I would like to invite folks over for dinner or to play cards or go out, but don't even suggest it because I don't want to be tense all night, waiting for hubby to insult someone! Also, confronting him either before or after never made a difference, so I don't say anything anymore.

For some reason, the men just kind of accept it, as do the women, because I think they know how hubby is, or they don't want to offend ME.  I could just make plans with the girls myself and I have. Just yesterday I made lunch plans with my cousin because hubby can barely hide his disdain. While I see why he might find HER annoying....lol...he doesn't have the ability to grin and bear it.  Even if he says he will "be good" he usually has a moment or 2 of ugliness. He of course never sees his behavior and gives himself permission because they are "morons."

I am sad AND angry and tired of trying to run interference or not......or making excuses why we can't get together with people. While I enjoy my quality time with friends alone, I am also missing couple friendships and am resenting his dislike of them. Doesn't matter if it's his family or mine or whoever's friend it is either.  Eventually, he will find something he doesn't like and it becomes more people I don't want to be with for fear of how he will be.

Has anyone else had this situation?  Any suggestions?



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1020
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Losing


Yes I have similar experiences. I know how isolating it is to live with active addiction.
Attending AlAnon meetings working the steps and processing with my sponsor have helped me move from feeling isolated to connecting with different people.
With that, I have nurturing connections with people who enrich my life. So grateful.
You may want to attend AlAnon meetings and find you increasingly tune out someone else's behavior to concentrate on you.
That's where the change begins. It was for me.


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Senior Member

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I certainly struggled with being in a couple with an alcoholic. Boundaries are a huge issue for me. My.family or origin was violent and chaotic. Nowadays I have to look.closely at expectations. When I.am around alcoholics I have to really watch my expectations. One of my friends who is alcoholic has a birthday Monday. I had plans with her, somewhat grandiose plans probably. Now they are all changed. I do not kniw how to handle the disappointment t but really why did I make the plans in the Firsr place. I lived with an alcoholic room mate fir the past two years. It became more and more difficult. I have a lot of resentment towards him about the difficulty. He is someone I have known for 20 years. I don't know why I am resentful when he has akways been like that. There is something of a set up at play when one expects an alcoholic to be reasonable. My friend whose birthday is on Monday is he'll bent on self destruction. I can't change that she's always been like that. Why expect different?

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Maresie


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((El)) I have experienced this and found that alanon principles work well. I remind myself that I am powerless over people, places and things. That his behavior is a reflection of him and my behavior is a reflection of myself. If he insult others they have the power to validate themselves and it is not my job to be the defender of everyone. That helped me to go out wiht others and remain in my own hula hoop
Attending alanon meetings does help.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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I am aligned with Betty - I too had stepped back from couples and other events out of concern over what others would think/feel. The program taught me exactly that his behavior is his and my behavior is mine. I now invite folks over if I want and invite him to be a part of. He rarely chooses to do so, and everyone goes on with the evening/day as desired.

What I've learned going through this is we put forth way more energy worrying about what ifs than reality brings. The program allowed me to be free of any shame and guilt I felt for how others have behaved and taught me to focus on me...my part, my actions and my reactions. We also learn that feelings are not facts - and facts often set me free from my own crazy projections/thoughts.

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

El


~*Service Worker*~

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RE: Losing "couple" friends


Thank you all. Yes, I must just be concerned with my behavior and leave everyone else to their own. I think it will take me a VERY long time to get to the point that I am not worried about others' behavior.  It was engrained in me my whole life to look perfect to the world.  Couple that with an AH that doesn't care what anyone thinks... ever!!!!  Lots of work on me.....lots of work to be done!  Lol.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 554
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Losing


Hi El
Thanks for writing this. I can relate to your situation. My AH does similar things. Just gets argumentative and insulting when we socialize at times. In the past I used to run interference. This didn't help anyone. Not me, not him and not my friends. Much like others have said I have learned to first accept things for what they are. My AHs alcoholism makes socializing together more difficult. So I have a mix of things I do. I try to build up my own social network outside of my AH. And I make decisions day by day about what I can handle in that day. I don't particularly enjoy couple socializing anymore because AH tends to drink too much and become obnoxious. But I do some socializing together. In those instances I really try to remind myself that his behavior is a reflection of him not me. It's amazing to me how an inappropriate comment can just hang in the air for a little while when I don't run interference and explain it away or laugh it off or change the subject or whatever. But I am a lot more comfortable with that than what I used to do. And I find that I can still enjoy myself with others even if he is drinking. I'm actually much more interesting now that I am not hanging on every word that comes out of his mouth lol. I have set a boundary that if I am not enjoying myself because my AH has been drinking and has been acting badly I will go home. And I have done it. I excuse myself politely and go home.

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El


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Thank you, KT! You painted my picture exactly......running interference, laughing it off, quickly changing the topic. I also like the boundary of going home if I am uncomfortable and deciding what I am up for each day. I also hang on his every word waiting for the inevitable insult......even if he is in a different room! Lol.

All of the posts are guiding me once again to concentrate on me and fill my tool box with what will help me in my own recovery.

(((Hugs)))

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~*Service Worker*~

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In a sense, you're blessed to have friends that don't try to call you out on your husbands behaviour. If you sense that they feel embarrassed for you and don't want to upset you over his behaviour then they sound like pretty decent friends really. My experience was something different (people demanding that I explain/fix his behaviour).
I think it'd be a shame to isolate yourself from good people over behaviour that you can't control. You're not responsible for his actions any more than you are responsible for how others feelings might be hurt because of it.

One thing I do know is that isolation is one of our greatest enemies and putting in the effort to maintain good friendships is something you deserve to be able to do.
I don't know what the answer is as of course you don't want your friends to be insulted but I think if it was me, I'd place "not isolating myself' at the top of the priority list and then work through the logistics with my HP. As much as you might want to care for other people's feelings, you gotta care for you first and not isolating is a big part of that.

Hugs.



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)

El


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 628
Date:
RE: Losing "couple" friends


Thank you, missmeliss!  Yes, I feel very blessed to have loyal friends and if wasn't for asinine behavior on hubby's part, I would enjoy our time together immensely.  I wish just once one of them would tell him where to go......just to see what would happen. However, there are tolerant and like I said, loyal.

I believe I am going to be a bit more choosy about what we attend and host, along with guidance from my HP and letting things unfold As they will.

Thanks for everyone's support and thoughts!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 554
Date:
Losing


Hi El
I think MissMeliss's point is very good. Don't isolate yourself because of it. I find my whole perspective changed when I tried to stop interfering with AHs behaviour when socializing. I assumed a few things. I have friends who have been friends with us for many years. I assumed that they noticed his bad behaviour even when I was trying to minimize it (I don't think I was really fooling anyone). And if they had noticed and tolerated his bad behaviour for that long they were probably not going to go anywhere if I stopped trying to gloss over the issue. That has generally proved to be true. One person really pushed me to be the middle man but we sorted it out. And when I am out with him as best I can I focus on what I want to get out of the outing (do I want to have a good conversation with a friend, do I want to find out how their trip was etc). I have meaningful conversations with people that I couldn't even focus on in the past because I was so distracted. I make a good impression of myself. That is the only thing I really have control over. I try to remind myself that AH is responsible for his behaviour. And as much as he seems like he doesn't care as soon as I stopped making his inappropriate comments more acceptable (letting them hang in the air and just looking at him blankly and then changing the subject) they really stood out. I noticed him starting to adjust his behaviour a bit too. He has said to me that he hates how everyone thinks I'm so nice and he's such a jerk. To me that says he really does care what people think. I think he's starting to realize he's responsible for the things that come out of his mouth. But what he does or doesn't do isn't my concern. I try very hard to keep the focus on myself. I have found that I can actually relax when out and enjoy myself. It's not perfect but it is much better. Whatever you do don't isolate. I'm so glad that MissMeliss said that!

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El


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 628
Date:
RE: Losing "couple" friends


Thank you again for more input.  I agree that I shouldnt have to give up socializing. I am going to have to practice and work on letting hubby's behavior stand on its own. Also, later evening plans will have to be chosen carefully, as the later it is, the more alcohol has already been consumed all day.  Most importantly I need to keep turning to HP.

I so appreciate all the support and shared experience; it helps me tremendously!

(((hugs)))

El



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Senior Member

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Posts: 247
Date:
Losing


I understand how hard this is. I feel sometimes like we are "taking advantage" of our friends good nature by continuing to socialize with them when the AH is drinking too much. And I get tired of being the one to herd, cajole and chauffer my AH around to social events.

I make sure to have my own social events that are just mine so that I am only responsible for me.

But I get sad for the days when we could socialize together without incidents.

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Bethany

"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be."  Abe Lincoln



~*Service Worker*~

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What a beautiful flower El

I quite like to idea of just letting those inappropriate comments hang in the air - I don't see any need to stand in the way of consequences for your husband. I let my friends know that I love, value and enjoy being with them. They know my husband, warts and all, and are all perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.

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El


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 628
Date:
Losing "couple" friends


Yes, I so enjoy reading the post and replies. They "stick" with me for days and finally sink in to be applied. Summer is filled with upcoming events, so I will have opportunities to apply letting the inappropriate comments hang in the air.  I think too, that over the years hubby has subconsciously counted on me glossing things over for him.  Let's see what happens when I don't.  I have to chuckle, because he has made comments about how people like me more than him.  Ummmm, because I'm nice???  Lol.   Thanks for all replies to situation.

El



-- Edited by El on Thursday 21st of July 2016 01:44:47 PM

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