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Post Info TOPIC: Having To Tough Love It...


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Having To Tough Love It...


A friend of mine is currently in treatment.  She has one week left.  I was SO happy when she finally agreed to go to treatment.  This was after about three months of urging her to get help after watching her decline to the point of looking like Skeletor.  She has been an alcoholic for years, but in the last four has gotten progressively worse and suffered the consequences.  Her boyrfriend of over 20 years finally had enough and ended their relationship.  He allowed her to stay in the home for the time being to save some money to move out as long as she would work all of her hours at her job and not be drinking all the time.  She did not honor that, so he had given her about a month to make some arrangements.  In the meantime, she just got worse and worse and worse, calling me drunk all the time, talking about wanting to kill herself, etc.  Finally, she agreed to go to treatment.  I was so relieved and hopeful. 

When she went into treatment, I had said that she could stay with us for a little while after she got out, but that I really thought she should go onto a sober living environment.  I mean, she's basically homeless now.  Her ex will not let her return to the house.  However, after visiting her at treatment a week ago, I realized that really nothing has changed with her.  She has done nothing but complain about everything.  She has spent this whole time calling her ex all the time, while the only time I have heard from her is right before visiting day when she wanted me to bring her things, and she refuses to participate in any aftercare.  So...after discussing it with my boyfriend, we made the decision that we were not going to let her come here and stay.  I told her this, and she is really upset.  I told her that we would be happy to help her get into a sober living place that is like 10 minutes from our house and is a really good program for women.  She refuses.  Instead, she wants to go stay at our house, go down to the ex boyfriend's house on the weekends (despite the fact that he's told her repeatedly that she can't come back there), go right back to her job...where she would get out early every night and proceed to drink herself pissy (she works in a casino/bar)works alongside the boyfriend that broke up with her, and save money to go live in a hotel across the street from the casino.  Basically, a recipe for sure relapse.  There's no recovery anywhere in that plan. 

Needless to say, she is really angry with me.  She has tried to manipulate me into letting her come stay by every means she can come up with...the tears, the attempting to guilt me, you name it.  I have stuck to my guns.  I will not back down.  I have told her over and over again that there is nothing I wouldn't do to help her get better, but I refuse to enable her to follow a path that is not in her best interests.  I told her that she has a choice.  She's not in prison.  She can do whatever she wishes.  I'm just not going to help her with that which I know is disastrous for her.  It has not been easy to apply tough love.  It goes against my natural personality.  I am a helper, and I do care about her.  I know that if she goes back to drinking it is just a matter of time before it kills her.  She has been in very bad shape.  She probably weighs 100 lbs. soaking wet, her teeth are falling out, she smokes like a fiend, and her life is just so depressing.  But I know that if she doesn't continue on in a sober, supportive environment, she is going to go back to drinking.  And, honestly, I really think that's what she wants.  I just do not believe that she really wants to be sober, and we're not going to have her here, drinking.  She just can't come here.  I am hoping that at the final hour, she might wake up and have an A-Ha! moment, because she only has a week left of treatment.  She really doesn't have any friends, she can't get help from her family, and the ex won't let her come there, either.  Perhaps she will see the light when she realizes she has nowhere else to go. 

I know I'm doing the right thing.  For YEARS she has broken promises to her ex, done nothing to help herself and lived as basically a helpless invalid.  But her boyfriend kept trying.  Now she is really alone, and I know that she could still refuse to change.  And, honestly, she probably will.  The few people she has in her life all realize that there is a good chance that she will become yet another statistic.  But we also know that we have done all that we could possibly do to try and help her.  It's up to her now.  Being in this position really sucks.  She truly is the epitome of a selfish alcoholic.  Me, me, me, all the time.  I really don't think anyone else's feelings are even on her radar.  But I do know she's sick.  She's not a bad person, she's just a sick one. 

Tough love is hard!  But necessary.  Anyone relate? 

 

 

 

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Wiggity  I agree "Tough Love" is hard!!!---but oh so necessary.
 
Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless 
 
You sound like a very good and loving friend  and it looks as if  you have reviewed the situation accurately and your decision a healthy one for all concerned. 
Alanon face to face meetings will offer you the support you need at this difficult time.  I urge you to attend and to keep coming back here  Yo are not alone
 
Positive thoughts  and prayers for your friend and yourself. 


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Good on you for making a tough call and doing what feels right for you, your family and your friend.
You're so right that she will do what she does and she could well end up a statistic and sadly nothing you do or don't do will change that but refusing to make self destruction easy for her is probably the kindest thing for her. I like to think that if the alcoholics in my life were in their right minds, would they want me to suffer for their addictions really? Or would that make them very sad? I think deep down it does. When I have boundaries and refuse to be held to ransom by someone else's choices/illness then i don't add guilt to their many burdens, and I don't add resentment to my own!!
Hugs. I hope you are getting some support for you as it sounds as though this might be very draining for you.



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



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So sorry you are dealing with this but by all accounts it sounds like you have her best interests at heart and you know in the end what would be best for her and for you. Keep your boundaries and praying for you and your friend. You just can't help an A if they don't want to help themselves. Tough to watch though.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Sometimes the right decisions for everyone involved are also the hardest ones to make. She is blessed to have a friend whom can see through the sickness and not hate her but the disease. She may not be able to recognize or appreciate it right now but not feeding/enabling the disease in any way is really the best for all involved. Prayers for a good outcome to everyone

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~*Service Worker*~

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wiggity - prayers for peace for you as well as positive thoughts sent your direction. While we certainly have no control over what our qualifiers do, we do have control over what we can/will live with. I believe your boundary is specific and spot on and do not at all blame you.

Two of my qualifiers are my sons, and both have had to leave our home (their home) for lack of attention to the boundaries. It was so very, very hard and then - once I found peace that this was their choice, it became easier.

(((Hugs))) - I agree with those above me - you are a good caring friend and often times, the right decisions are the hardest to make/hold to....

Keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Thank you all for the feedback. It does help to know that there are people who really understand why I have to do this. It's hard to not feel like a meanie. The only thing that stops me is knowing that I have her best interests at heart. It's not easy to care for someone's life more than they do.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I can relate to the tough love sit.and it's not easy,I'm having to literally force my a/sister out my door,never again will I enable another,you deserve a medal my freind cause I know how hurtful it is,I so admire you for your strength ,helps me to find my strength also just reading your post,I can feel the emotions in you,,,good on you,,,in recovery lu

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Do the next right thing~

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

 

 



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How great that you are all on board together. One good thing about her being in a program is she hasn't had any chemicals to add to the mix. I certainly can relate to tough live. One of my friends hurt her ankle. I went to see her today. She cannot walk. There were people all around her. She asked me to get her some stuff. I didn't. I took care of what I needed to do. I feel no guilt. I git needs too. Really valid needs I certainly know she isn't going to go without. Needless to say there was no one helping me with my stuff!!! They are pretty good at manipulating. I am staying really busy. I have a family of alcoholics. My suster,s son has become one. I M conscious of myI'm it's these days. I am entitled too. I waa worried sick about my friend fir three days. Sbe's ok. I can take a break now. We were supposed to do something for her birthday. Now that's gone. I can make other plans Maresie

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Maresie


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Update on my friend....

She did not go to a sober living facility. We did not allow her to come here. She chose, instead, to rent a room from a coworker. She now lives in a house that looks like a frat house. It's filthy. Run down. Depressing. He drinks. Does not have a car or a license due to a DUI. She does not have one, either. Her ex picked her up from treatment to take her there (she made arrangements from treatment), but only so that he could also bring her to his house to get all of her remaining things. He's pretty much washed his hands of her. After she had gotten her things from the house, she asked him to take her to the grocery store where she bought herself a bottle of rum (unbeknownst to him). She asked me to come over that day. I did. She hadn't been drinking, and I didn't know about the bottle. At that time, she asked if she could come over on the weekend to get out of there. I thought perhaps she is realizing that it's not a good thing. When I picked her up, there was a beer can sitting there. I asked if it was hers because it was her brand. She said it was her beer, but that particular can was her roommates from the night before. So I knew then that she had started drinking. I told her that she couldn't drink at our house. She said that she wasn't going to.

When we got to my house, I noticed that she smelled like alcohol, so I asked if she had been drinking. She said that she had a drink at the house before we left. I asked her if she had any alcohol on her. She did admit that she had the bottle in her bag. I told her that we didn't want her sneak drinking in our house, so just drink it. She did and fell asleep on our couch. It wasn't what I really wanted to do, but we live a ways away from where she is staying, and we didn't want to get right back in the car and take her home. The next day we took her home.

Two days later, I had to take her some hair gel that she left at my house. I told her that she couldn't come to our house anymore. Not if she had alcohol in her or on her. And that I would not help her with anything to do with alcohol. I told her if I was going to be in the area and she needed groceries or something, I would help her if I could, but that I would never take her to get alcohol. Nor would I take her to a grocery store where you could buy any. In other words, I told her that I would not have anything to do with her drinking.

I spent a lot of time talking to her in the first few days after she got out, especially when she was at my house. She basically said that she will never go to treatment again, that she is going to drink for the rest of her life, and that she understands that it will maybe kill her and that she's alright with it. She just doesn't want it to be painful. What do you say to that? Really, there's not much. I have spent so many hours talking to her in the last four months. So much energy spent trying to help her. At this point, I'm really done with it. I'm not angry. I'm certainly disappointed, but not angry. Mostly I just feel sorry for her. She had such a good chance at changing her life, but she chose to throw it away. I'm really sorry about that. I realize that she just may be someone who is unable to stop. She just seems to have no interest in doing so. I told her that it's too bad that she places no value on her own life. And I know that I can't care more about her life than she does. I'm just done with it. I know that I don't have to "drop" her as a friend. She will fade away, most likely, on her own. She knows that I will have no part in her drinking life, and her life revolves around drinking, so there you go.

It would be great if one day she has an epiphany. I'm not counting on it. I am really just letting her go. Not with anger or bitterness, but with love. She's a good person. She's just a really sick one, and I don't think there's anything more I can do for her.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Wiggity....as painful as the story of your friend was to read and as much as this sucks.....I seriously am amazed by your boundaries and wisdom. You really have done the difficult, but right thing.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I agree with what pinkchip says - you did good taking care of you! Great boundaries and self-care. Keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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I love your name also...great for some one affected by our disease.  TOUGH LOVE ...I use to work this one daily with the family, parents, friends and associates of the young alcoholics and addicts I did therapy with.  Tough love is a major tool for helping the addict and the enabler especially if it is done with compassion, respect, empathy and unconditional love.  I've had clients that thanked their enablers for not caving in to their whining and cravings and such and who stood firm and tall.  I discussed with a sponsee last sunday the power of that full sentence with only two letters...NO.  He walked away  practicing it and he also learned how to get rid of the word but...the negotiation word that often kept me hooked into insanity with my own alcoholic/addict.  Today I use And instead of but as it takes out much of the useless negotiation which use to keep me looking for other justifications and excuses to keep the alcoholic from abusing me. 

Watching tough love work is inspiring for me because I know from experience that the addict will have a better chance at finding solutions.  Please keep coming back Wiggity ((((hugs)))) smile 



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Thank you.  It has not been easy, that's for sure.  I have had my moments of feeling really bad.  But they are far outweighed by my knowledge that enabling her to drink is not being a good friend.  I even question at times whether I should help her do ANYTHING....like get groceries, etc.  I mean, she made the choice she is living.  But I have no desire to be cruel and uncaring, and I get that it's a disease and not a character flaw, and that she is a still suffering alcoholic, and though she says she likes driking, and that she plans to do it for the rest of her life, I KNOW that she is suffering.  And will continue to suffer.  And maybe one day she will reach a point of clarity and decide to sober up. 

I know that a huge part of this is that she really has no one.  Her mother is dead.  Her brother lives on the other side of the country and she does not talk to him.  Her father lives here, but she doesn't talk to him, either.  She really has no friends, although now, all of a sudden, with her new "plan for life", which includes socializing more with work people, who, for the most part, are also very dysfunctional and addicts, she now has some drinking buddies.  Like the woman who offered her a drink her first day back at work from treatment.  Nice.  I told her that's not a friend.  But...if I'm to be honest.....I'm glad she has other people to spend time with, which relieves me of being the one she calls when she's drinking.  I know that's selfish, but I'm just protecting myself.  I've done more than my share of listening to her, and I just can't do it anymore.  But I know these people are not "real" friends who sincerely care about her wellbeing.  They're just drinking buddies.  I may even suggest at some point that she call THEM for grocery runs since they live in her area, and I do not.  I certainly won't make a special trip out there just to get her groceries.  But if I am in the area....which I am sometimes, I would do it. 

It's sad, really.  Because her ex-boyfriend is my boyfriend's best friend.  We did a lot together as a foursome.  There's a part of me...not a big part, just a little one...that feels a tad miffed with her.  Nothing major.  Just a tad, and this is just in the past day or so, that her actions/inactions resulted in losing what used to be a sort of "family" for us.  We spent a lot of time together.  But that's over.  They're over.  And everything has changed.  And he gave her so, so, so many opportunities to do things differently.  But, again, she just couldn't.  Such a terrible illness.  Now we all have to find a new normal.  No more weekends spent making awesome food and watching sporting events and listening to music and laughing.  It's all gone.  She's gone.  Such a shame.

 

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Wiggity our second of the twelve steps of recovery says, "Came to believe that a power GREATER THAN OURSELVES could lead us to sanity".  Of course the caps are mine and so is the empaths is.  My early sponsor asked me the question "who do you think you are"..."God"?  Back then I spelled my name Jerry using a G (from the disease) to which he asked again..."That's a G for God"?  Another simple powerful message for this Al-Anon newbie then.  Today I leave the toughest love situations up to my Higher Power and they all get taken care of plus.  I have talked to my HP to keep you in sight and to handle you with tough love cause you deserve it.  It doesn't really feel good and the outcomes are awesome.   ((((hugs)))) wink



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