The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to let go of a resentment I have this morning. I woke up with it and cant shake it and I know it will block the good in today so I thought I would bring it here and see if I can let it go. I dont even know if I have the right to have it.
Im annoyed and angry at a persons reactions and watching dysfunction that almost mirrors my own dysfunction before Alanon. I want to get in there and tell these people what to do and get it fixed. Who do I think I am? Its none of my business.
Its like looking at yourself in denial and making the same mistakes over and over again expecting different results and I hate it. There is part of me that hates the person I was. I was weak, a push over, a liar, selfish, I hurt those I loved while in my denial. I blamed everyone for my pain believing myself to be a victim in life. I thought I could change things but I was just too stupid. I was horrible to myself and my self esteem was non existent. I am not that person anymore. She has gone but I dont think Ive fully forgiven the old me.
I think I still have anger and bitterness over the way I was and the person I was and now my higher power has given me someone I love who is walking that path in a way. He is in denial and doing the same thing over and over and then is surprised when it goes wrong again. Hes not doing the next right thing over and over and Im watching this. Hes a push over, full of guilt, being controlled by others. I hate it and part of me is wondering if I hate it because I still hate me or I hate it because it impacts on my life. I dont know.
I have choices always. I can walk away from this dysfunction. I have no ties to it. I dont have to watch it. Or I can work my program with it and ask for acceptance of it and set my own boundaries that protect me from it. That may be the answer. Is it fair to expect others to be healthy, is it only twelve steppers that have this healthiness? A bit confused but I will give it up to you guys and work hard to get serenity today and be open to the gifts that others in this day have for me if I chose to see them.x
Also, thinking there is some fear in this too. I had consequences to my denial, my family suffered as I wouldnt do the right thing or face the truth. I see this person walk that road to some extent and I dont want the consequeces to come for him, im scared of them because I wont live them out with anyone. Ive been there, did that. Im on to better things or so I thought. Really, im watching things play out in someone elses life, someone I care about. Is my higher purpose to be there for that person, try guide them. Im reading this and see al the 'I', 'me' statements.
Is my own ego making someone elses issues all about me? Ive still got so much work to do!!!!
(((LC))) great honesty and processing. Please remember that HP shows us our defects in action so that we can understand deep within why it is necessary to let them go.I remind myself of The 3As-- awareness, acceptance and action and that being powerless over others is an important concept to hold to.
Forgiving ourselves is also a process. In order to do that I placed myself on the top of my amend list and proceeded to make amends to myself for well over a year while being gentle with everyone else. As far as using " I: statements -- You are using program and focusing on yourself that is part of recovery . Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
El-Cee - while recovery helps me change me and be a better version of me, there are characteristics of me that just are. I still lack patience often and I still consider my will often as the first reaction to situations that baffle me or ruffle my serenity.
I agree - you are processing positively and realizing a lesson present. What it is will be revealed even if it's not known right now. I know when I have a person, place or thing that is consuming free rent in my head, I often can minimize that by praying for that person, place or thing. It's not a perfect solution but does bring me back to center often towards my happy place of acceptance and serenity.
Even my quick serenity prayer, Bless Them - Change Me!!! repeated over and over and over again brings me relief. (((Hugs))) to you and I know you'll get through this!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Someone once told me that we often dislike things in other people that we don't like about ourselves. That pulled me up short when I first heard it, but I also use it as a reminder to be aware of what I'm thinking - that awareness is something that I see you doing so successfully. Sometimes life brings us gifts in unexpected ways. Be gentle with yourself.
I am finding that the current storm that is brewing in our less than united Kingdom at the moment is really unsettling me and I hear my thoughts becoming critical of others when actually I am just feeling insecure in myself. Time for nice fresh bed covers and a good book!
Great share Elcee, it is hard being around dysfunction and
People that dont live in reality. I try to keep my distance
As much as i can, i have Enough of my own issues.
Be gentle with yourself, self love means being loving with
Yourself. Try some real self forgiveness, I find it easier the
more i practice it. I actually am getting good at it then let
It go.
Thank you for your post el-cee. YOur post and the responses really helped me with something I was dealing with myself. I've had a TON of resentments and frustration with other's behaviour building up inside me for weeks. This was so helpful and so timely.
