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I'm back again for the 3rd time granted I never should of left because I still needed to get better , but thinking since I was not living in the alcoholics life at that time I thought I was better. Well back living with my ex AH with the attempt to try it again to bring the family back together . Well he back in AA for the 3 time in 2 years. When does the selfishness go away ? Yes I know it's a selfish program and for one to get better they need to work on them selves. But again when it comes down to children and family when does the (I thinking turning into WE as a whole and a family kick in?) When he was actively drinking he was selfish only cared about himself no one else mattered . Now he not drinking and he is still selfish and thinking of only himself and makes time for his AA meetings but the rest of us are still in the back ground. I'm having a hard time with this because I'm far from a selfish person yes I take the time I need to get to a alaon meeting and read but I also make time for family . Any suggestions to help me under stand this again..
He needs to focus on himself and his recovery if he is going to make it through. It is a hard time for those around him. That said, some people are just selfish by nature, and alcoholics especially so. It might never go away. It might, but it might not. I wouldn't expect him to make much progress with it in the first year, even if he sticks with recovery. We are not required to put up with the selfish behavior, though. If we find it painful and damaging, we can separate and take care of ourselves, and if they are still in recovery and have made some progress with the selfishness, we can get back together in a year or two. We always have that option.
I spent a long time putting my own needs aside, doing most of the "work" on the relationship, waiting for the payoff. In my own case the payoff never came. Stay alert and don't give more than you have to give. Take good care of yourself.
-- Edited by Mattie on Sunday 26th of June 2016 06:14:32 PM
Hey Rosemary - welcome back and so glad you are making an effort at recovery! Recovery for us in Al-Anon as well as for the alcoholic is a personal journey and there is no one size fits all. In AA, the alcoholic is told to put recovery above everything else because it's easy to get distracted with responsibilities, life, job, kids, wife, etc. which is all meaningless IF they take a drink again. So, recovery is suggested as the number one priority for them - always. Not just the first year.
Most who are working the program, steps, using a sponsor, etc. see the life patterns and coping patterns they've developed as a result of this disease. Some in recovery are satisfied with just not drinking any more and others truly want a spiritual journey and a transformation. So many in recovery find the miracle in just no longer getting drunk yet still live in fear of that first/next drink. For an alcoholic, it is a miracle to just not drink. I relate to the WE thinking. A part of me had this idea of what a marriage and family should look like. What I've learned in this program is NO family appears like my dream. Every marriage and every family has good/bad times, and those that survive long term truly work hard on themselves to mature, grow and be the best version of us we can be.
So, I had to stop considering what he would do, would not do, would be without alcohol, should be, etc. and keep the focus on me. I had to set realistic expectations because mine were not. I had to stop assuming I knew what his role should be as a father/husband/partner/etc., and just let him evolve as HP wants him to. I had to put me and my needs first and allow him to do what he needs to do for him.
In my own Al-Anon work, I discovered that I was as selfish as my qualifiers, just in different ways. I would react when my needs were not met, and I would pout when my expectations were dismissed. However, in many of these instances, I wasn't forthcoming with those - I expected others to 'be' and 'know' what I wanted/needed. I also did more than my far share as I was a controlling person who felt they were not capable. Qualifying for both sides of this program has given me empathy for all who are affected by this disease, and especially those who don't even realize how deeply so.
I would suggest you get with a sponsor and work through some of these things in your step work. Your experience and journey will be different than mine and others, as will his. Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
