The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has recently (under duress from me) sought help from his doctor for his alcoholism. His doctor has referred him to a specialist alcohol dependence team. This is after years of him drinking to excess and in the last couple of years drinking in secret and drinking at any and every opportunity. My OH also.suffers from depression, which he is taking sertraline for. We recently separated, which I instigated because I felt mentally and emotionally tortured by his lies and deceit about the drinking - I simply had to get off the rollercoaster before I fell off or went mad. I have read a lot about detaching with love and have decided this is the only way for me to go, so I let my OH know that I still love him but I cannot live with him at the moment for,my own wellbeing.
We have a smallholding with animals where I am living, and he has asked if he can come up once or twice a week to look after them and tend to the land. I'm not sure whether I should be letting him or not - I still think he's in denial and I'm thinking that if I let him back to the house he is still getting some home comforts and maybe he won't reach his 'bottom'? Maybe he's getting the best of both worlds - still able to drink in his rented flat but also still able to have the things he might lose, wife, home, animals. I'm not sure where to go with this so any advice would be really appreciated.
The best suggestion I was given was to search out Alanon meetings and attend them. The best decision is the one that honors your own recovery. When I first came to Alanon, I put my husband first. I thought that decisions I made concerning him could either help him stay sober or not. Consequently, my focus was on his needs and not my own well-being. I'm so grateful that I didn't dismiss the suggestion to attend Alanon meetings even though I was of the mistaken belief that the problem was all his. The more meetings I attended the more clarity I gained and the healthier and more self focused my decisions became. I hope you find wisdom and hope. I hope with the help of his higher power, your husband will choose sobriety. Either way, I hope you'll keep taking care of yourself in the process. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hey Teddybear - great question and I agree with TT - the best suggestion I have is to attend meetings and determine what makes sense for your recovery and your circumstances. I had a very difficult time understanding the concept of detachment and especially with love ... because of the way this disease had affected my warped thoughts and attitudes.
Take care of yourself and keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is a tricky one because detaching with love I think is more about us. I detach so that I can live my life. I try not to enable because its the wrong thing to do and is harmful to an alcoholic. We are powerless over another persons drinking. Doesnt matter what we say or do really they are going to drink or not. I try to make sure my motives are about me. If it helps you for him to come help out then say yes. If it confuses things for you and you feel it wont be good for you then say no. Think of you when you make your decision. It could be that this is a way in for him and maybe you need the space and time to work out what you want. I understand the difficulty.
Welcome teddybear, Ftf mtgs will be a great beginning
For your own recovery journey. You can learn tools To
live by such as healthy boundaries, loving detachment,
staying In your own hula hoop, staying on your side of
the street, plus much more.
The program is about us getting stronger and healthier
from The inside out no matter what our qualifier is doing
Or not doing.
Glad you are here. I'm going through the same thing sort of with my A getting help to stop drinking. It's been an answer to prayer. What I still find, though, is that the same thought and behavior patterns are still there. For me, going to f2f meetings, coming to this site, working my program, and doing stuff for me is helping. I'm currently working on setting healthy boundaries and recognizing when my A can do stuff for herself and letting her. I still am dealing with guilt, but that's the part of the program that I'm at. Do something that you've wanted to do for a long time. For me, it's reconnecting with nature by hiking trails and writing. It's not being selfish....caregiving in a sense for another human being is exhausting. Time for me to take care of myself. I hope this is helpful for you. Keep coming back!
Gabigail
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
