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My husband and I just spent 4 days visiting my (alcoholic) brother who recently had a stroke and has permanent brain damage. That relationship (brother and I) has been strained for years but I feel so terribly sorry for him and his family over this situation. I feel like my husband is focusing on all of the defects my brother had before this and in my perception all I can hear is my husband saying what terrible dad my brother was and it's his fault he got sick (didn't take care of his blood pressure/diabetes) and that he doesn't do anything to help himself now. It stinks because there is truth to all of that but it HURTS SO BAD to hear it and I find myself wanting to a) be very protective of my brother and explain the environment we both grew up in, b) retaliate and say ugly things about my husbands family (I haven't but I have had thoughts), and c) just shut down completely. I've explained to my husband that it hurts and while he understands, he seems to keep doing it. When I say something now he reacts by calling me defensive. I don't know if I'm defensive or not, I might well be....but this type of situation is only one example of me questioning myself and my feelings and feeling like I am somehow defective goods because of my upbringing and my family..
any and all thoughts/feedback are welcome....with love in recovery, Wendy
Hi Wendy Welcome I hear you and understand completely. I found that when my family judged my partner or son, I did not argue the facts that they presented (as it was truth) however I also validated my partner and son so as to clear the air and have my truth on the table .
My BIL would say terrible things about my son, I would say yes he is doing these dreadful things however he has a dreadful disease and is a beautiful person witkin. That was my truth.
I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings that are held in your community and attend There is help and hope.
Wendy, welcome. What a difficult situation this is. I have been there. I love what hotrod said about the dreadful disease (cannot be denied!) and the beautiful person within. I too urge you to attend in-person alanon meetings. It is there you will learn navigating this awful disease.
-- Edited by Jill on Saturday 25th of June 2016 04:03:42 PM
I have had this issue in several previous relationships. I now have set a boundary that I can rip my family but my partner/husband cant amd same goes about my inlaws. Yes, we make jokes and stuff about our families, but for me to really dog his family is asinine because I chose to marry into it it is is no better than saying hurtful things about him directly. My husbands alcoholic dad died about 2 years ago leaving much drama over the will...brother in law inherited most and he literally pissed on their dad's grave shortly after the funeral. He left 10 dollars to my husband. It was so much silly drama. Now my brother in law is sucking up to mother in law (husband's parents were long divorced)...So much drama. It is ripe for diagnoses and comments by me, but I learned that is a big mistake. Depite all the drama, my husband loves his family and I love him. Beside, we DON'T have drama thank god (first for me in a relationship). So why start any?
Good morning all and welcome to MIP Wendy - so glad you found us and that you shared. This disease makes things difficult and family is hard without outside influences. So, in my experience - the two combined - is a recipe for drama/chaos. My family is large and it seems that there is always something going on and someone is acting out. The program has told me to keep the focus on me and what others say/think/do is not my business. I have the choice to ignore it, accept it, walk away from it, pray about it, etc. The program gave back to me enough sanity to realize I have healthier choices than to stand in the middle of any storm, real or created.
I fully understand how you are hurting. As Betty suggests, our qualifiers are not bad people, they are sick people. Empathy is a gift, and I see no shame in trying to bring comfort and/or joy to another who is hurting/sick.
I too encourage you to attend some Al-Anon meetings. It is in meetings that my journey began and I was able to see my past for what it is, a closed chapter that can't be changed. I have acceptance today that wasn't within reach before. And lastly, I see myself as an individual among others - not better and not worse - just present and doing the best I can for my best possible outcome.
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back - you are worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
