The material presented
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level.
Oh I've been angry this week. Angry angry angry! It all came to a head today and now it doesn't have such a hold on me.
My mom did something unkind to me and I took it personally, my AH was holding a resentment towards me....and I took it personally, my boss got annoyed and sent me a critical email and ......you guessed it I took it personally. For the last three days I have been spinning like a top! So wound up. So angry at everyone in my life (except my child thank goodness). I haven't been speaking to my mom, I've been tiptoing around AH until he added the last straw........ BOOM. Yesterday I was upset with what my boss and sent and I called her crying and telling her that I felt her assessment of my work was unfair. We talked it out and sorted it out so that wasn't too bad. This morning my AH tried to put something that should have been his responsibility on me and I lost it. I not only lost it but I called my mom to help with the situation he wanted me to solve for him and she got mad at me for something he said so I hung up the phone. Went home before I went to work and did the thing that needed doing. In doing that I screamed at my mom. Then my husband called and I screamed at him and hung up on him twice. I LOST IT. I am not proud of my behaviour. The only thing I did correct in the situation was tell both my mom and my AH that I am not a trash can for them to dump all their crap on. I could have said it better but the message was pretty clear.....stop dumping on me. UGH. I am thankful that the anger has finally dissipated. It was in control for a few days there. I can also say looking back on it that I could tell I was angry. I didn't always have that awareness either in the past so that is some progress. I just didn't know what to do with the anger. My mom had done something to upset me but I didn't address it because I couldn't be calm and I knew it would go somewhere bad. THen when my AH piled on I tried to tiptoe around that for now because I knew I couldn't address it properly. But I couldn't stop taking things personally. So I apologized to both people for yelling at them. I apologized for hanging up on them. There have been no appologies in my direction. Both of them are masters at resolving something without actually saying the words I am sorry. I could let that get to me if I wanted to but I am back to focusing on me.
The other insight I have from this is I still catch myself tiptoing around my AH a lot. I think I want peace so much I'm willing to have it at any cost. But the more I tiptoe the worse things get and then it blows up. So I'm going to work on not tiptoeing. It's a difficult pattern to break since it's been a coping mechanism for me my whole life.
Another good thing I did yesterday is treat myself well when I felt that others weren't treating me well. I learned that from this board! I treated myself to a special coffee yesterday, I sat in my car when I was feeling completely unloved and told myself that I loved me, God loves me and that I am not alone. I called a friend from Al Anon and even though she couldn't talk me through it (she was very busy) she did reassure me and give me some supportive words. I was overtired yesterday so I went to bed early instead of staying up doing things for the other people in my life. And this morning after the blow up I had a work out at the gym before work. So even in this difficult time I tried to take care of myself.
Please don't feel shame - be kind and compassionate to yourself in this situation. Could you have handled it differently? Probably, but what you obviously need to do was to let off some steam and feel the anger. I find that if I try to stifle the anger and "be good", I am only making things worse for myself.
You need to applaud yourself for apologizing, and for taking care of yourself. I really admire you.
HI KT, You have just completed a fantastic Step 10 on the issues. Unfortunately even after 20 years in program we will find we are not perfect and that is why Step 10 is so important. It is here we review our thoughts and actions for the day, own our part and make amends. After doing this we look to learn the lessons of that day. let go of the guilt and forgive ourselves for being human.
It sounded to me as if you used our old tools of stuffing your feelings early on. This did not work and the anger grew, A fast alanon call could have helped. Be gentle with yourself. and keep on keeping on
KT 2015
You may never know how much your post helped. I also lost it tonight. All the detachment went and I allowed all the years of hurt to get to me. My abf came home from drinks with friends only I found out it was with his alcoholic father too who hates me and who has done me and the abf and my kids so much damage. For some reason this just sent me off the deep end. That he would choose to spend time with his Dad with whom he works all day, than come home drunk to his boys. Im so stupid. Of course he would choose to spend time drinking! I chased him away, took his gate remote, used bad language, told him to move back to his daddy since we mean nothing to him..............
The truth is I feel better for getting the anger off my chest, but so so foolish and weak for giving in to the anger. It will help nothing. And my boys overheard. No amount of milk and cookies will erase it!
I despise myself for the weakness. I have always been and pride myself on being strong and the best mum ever and then in 5 minutes I go and ruin everything sinking down to beneath his level. I am trying to listen to hotrod but I feel like i dont deserve to have care of these 2 little souls. I have tried so hard to protect them and hide the ugliness from them and then I do this. The one person who was supposed to be calm and stable trustworthy and dependable.
Back to before square/step one. And do I have the strength to start again.
I will do amends to my boys and to him when he's sober.
(((KT2015))) - it happens.....and we learn. For me, I used to get upset when I slipped and raged/yelled and my sponsor would tell me that I was human and it was bound to happen at some point. We are imperfect humans living in an imperfect world and I see great progress - you learned from it, you made your amends and you've got a plan for trying something different.
You are a miracle in progress! Thanks for sharing and may today be peaceful for you! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
KT - I guess we all know this feeling. I lost my self on Monday night and the crazy train pulled out of the station and down the track at full steam. I had to really work to slow it down and stop it. Afterwards I felt like I was run over by the train, and today I am back working my program like I should have then. Thank goodness it is progress not perfection that are the measuring stick in this program. Thanks for your honest share. It helps us all to be honest about ourselves.
I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
KT and Lisa,
Never, never, never be ashamed of being true to yourself. Maybe you didn't express it so well, but you are human and when you feel ganged up on, you lash out with your truth! I always used "time of the month" as my excuse (and maybe it was), but a lot of things in my home got sorted out in that week. I was able to stand up for myself and state MY truth and set boundaries and goals at that time. The rest of the month I was willing to let it go and let it pile up on me.
Living in the middle of alcoholism (and being stone sober) is never easy. You are both doing a great job at keeping your sanity. Keep on being wonderful human beings.
