The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to Alanon and so you may all be way ahead of me on this.
I made a decision about 3 months ago that I have to leave my abf of 10 years, we have 2 small boys. However due to financial and practical issues I cant leave now and so I'm trying to use the steps to make it bearable, and to put myself in the best possible position for now and the future.
My problem is, daily considerations. We are living together, running the household, looking after kids together etc. I am in the process of detaching and it is going well I think. The problem is this leads to lots of frustrations like we make plans, involve the kids (we are all going to the gym tonight, then come home make a fire and enjoy the complex meal I spent hours cooking at his request) and then at 3pm he'll tell me he's thinking of going out for a drink with his friend. So, I get back to the steps, calm myself, focus on what is best for me and the boys and make an alternative plan. But the frustration is still there.
Its impossible in this shared living arrangement to never make plans together. What/when we do things, what the household needs (I'll get the groceries, you just get dog food...) especially as we have shared finances. So...
How do I live alongside an alcoholic with all the frustrations, let downs, lies etc. and aways be able to protect myself from them?
Also its hard to judge when he's just being inconsiderate and selfish and when this is part of his sickness so when do I just let it slide and when do I call him out on unacceptable behaviour?
Should I always assume I do my own thing, and then if he joins in fine and if he doesn't fine?
Should I always assume I do my own thing, and then if he joins in fine and if he doesn't fine?
Thanks for reading!
Dear Lisa, your awareness and acceptance of the issues that arise while living with this dreadful disease are impressive. Detachment is a great tool that enabled me to have a life, without living in denial , or fear. We are human, using program tools takes time.
Having a Plan B is always a wise decision as well as accepting the fact that I did assume that I do my own thing and if he joined it that would be great. It worked well and my life and joy grew.
Hello Lisa - great post and what Betty quoted above is kind of how I went about the business of detaching. As I got saner in recovery, I made plans that worked best for me, and then shared those with around me. As I learned to put myself first, I considered those items that were 'my responsibility' - such as meals, self-care, children, etc.
Instead of asking what others wanted for dinner, I decided and then shared what was for dinner and when it would be ready. If they were present - great, if not, those who were ate together and those who were not, ate leftovers or something else.
When asked to prepare a special meal, I did so if it worked for me and was I wanted for dinner. I stopped running out to the store under the pretense that a nice meal would lead to a wonderful evening.
I made plans with friends, for meetings, gym, softball, whatever and shared without asking for permission or trying to coordinate child-care. I always had a Plan B and it never failed me.
So - I put me and the kids first and then planned around that.....HTH!!
Keep coming back and focus on one day at a time!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
