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Post Info TOPIC: When a recovering alcoholic has arrested development


Senior Member

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When a recovering alcoholic has arrested development


Does he/she ever mature and grow up? What does it take? 

linsc



-- Edited by LinSC on Wednesday 22nd of June 2016 07:23:53 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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I have heard an AA friend say that it takes 6 years to get your brains back upon entering program and another 6 years to learn how to use them. Sounds as if it takes time to work the program and change



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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think about it this way; whatever age the addiction starts is the developmental age the recovering alcohol is upon entering recovery. The years in active addiction stunt growth and maturing. They'll get there...someday, somehow!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi, Interesting that you mention this. I just came from an AlAnon meeting and I brought up the same thing. I call it "emotional maturity". I have been traveling for the last couple of weeks with my hubby and his sponsor and his wife. There is lots of sobriety with the two men (30 yrs. and 16 yrs.) but there is not a lot of emotional maturity. They both look good on the outside and are monetarily well off. They are retired from wonderful careers.

But they make me chuckle at some of the things they say because I am so steeped in AlAnon that everything filters through that. Oh, they need AlAnon a whole lot. (I can say that to you, but I would never say it to either of them.) They both have GREAT sobriety, but they are still - well, the word I want to use will be censured. Deep down in them in still alcoholism.... self centered and selfish (the way it is described in the AA big book.) I often wondered when my hubby would finally "get it" and take responsibility for his part of what happened between us. (I was waiting for the amend). I have gotten to get to know his sponsor and I realize that it is the blind leading the blind. This is one case, but it is MY case.

I have lowered my expectations. I know, through AlAnon, that I have to take care of myself and love myself..... and that is enough. I can respect both of them for who they are today. I don't have to like it. I can respect it. And I know that I will be okay no matter what. And none of what they are, or aren't, is any of my business.

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maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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LinSC - I can only share my ESH - I started my disease at 13 years old......by 26, I was hopelessly lost in the trenches of this disease. There was not a waking moment where I was not under the influence of a mind-altering substance. It did not matter to me what it was, I was perpetually altered, and did not 'sleep' but rather was passed out or knocked out.

Last October, I celebrated 28 years sober. I believe that those of us with addictive tendencies are wired differently from inception. So, in spite of my journey and my recovery, still to this day, when faced with uncertainty or discomfort, my first thought or mental tendency is NOT a mature one. Just basic mature things like waiting in line, being on hold for customer service, etc. make me unsettled. It's the program that tells me I need to practice patience and tolerance and rolling my eyes or hanging up the phone are NOT mature ways of coping.

When the unexpected happen - i.e. someone cuts me off in traffic or my dog pees on the floor - my first mental response is similar to a slap in the face. My brain immediately gets fired up, and wants to react in immature ways....such as driving fast to flip off the driver or kick the dog!! It has taken me a long, long, long while to understand that the way my brain fires when life happens is not unique but it is different from others who don't have addictive tendencies.

So - in reality, my maturity has come from embracing recovery. It is not automatic for me, but rather practiced. I have friends who are naturally kind, loving, patient and calm. This is not me - for me, it's an effort and it's learned. So - I am one who believes that maturity doesn't come naturally based on length of sobriety but rather is learned through practice, effort and trial/error.

I can not tell you how many times in the last 28 years I have literally had to stop in my thinking tracks and ask myself, "What would a mature person do in this moment?" It's my normal and I am used to it, but I would not wish my processing brain on anyone most days. For me, this is why meditation is hard and why I try harder to do it. I used to resent how my mind/brain worked until I accepted it and worked with it instead of fighting it.

I can certainly understand why those wired differently see 'us' as selfish and self-centered. If I followed my 'go-to' first reaction in life situations, that would be my norm. It takes a conscious effort for me to not pick up my toys, flip the bird and go home.....but I do it each and every day as that's what I've been told I need to do for my spiritual journey!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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I echo many of Iamhere's statements. Growing up in sobriety, in my experience, comes with working the program over time and applying the steps. Even then, some folks stay prone to tantrums, lying, and irresponsibility. The degree to which these defects diminsh is directly correlated to how much insight, courage, humility, and willingness a person has to change.

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My now RAH (over 14 months) was very, very immature when he first started recovery work. In some ways, he is still working on this, but in others he has truly progressed.

One clear example is the type of TV shows/movies he wanted to watch in the evenings. At first, it was teenage dramas like "vampire diaries", then he progressed to a little more mature movies and shows, now he is interested in more adult themes and historical movies or shows. It may not an indicator of maturity to some, but I can certainly look at a brother-in-law who is mostly still watching cartoons and children's movies (ther really silly animated ones who have characters who make fun of bodily functions and things like that). He also demonstrates his immaturity in everyday life by yelling and pouting, and even by acting like a spoiled brat pre-teen boy who needs a little "man" time to get an understanding how men "should" behave.

I truly thank God my RAH does not need this and thank his kindness and his concern for others is actually coming back very quickly. I can truly remember the day I first saw him express empathy (not sympathy) and was astounded that he had done so. It was a shock to me because I had never seen him express this more adult emotion.

I can honestly say, behavior wise, my teen daughter and I have both watched my now RAH (her father) from the beginning of his recover and have noticed the growth to the point we have both spoken of it out loud (only to each other of course). I doubt he realizes how much he has matured, but is is quite obvious to us! So yes, I do believe there is a point in recovery when maturity starts to develop for the alcoholic person.

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There, but for the Grace of God, go I.

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