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Post Info TOPIC: A Cunning and Baffling Disease


Senior Member

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A Cunning and Baffling Disease


I remember hearing the saying,

The man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.

Today this feels very powerful.  There is no such thing as drinking normally in our alcoholic home.  There is drinking until its gone, and then drinking some more, and then getting sick and stopping for enough days to convince oneself that there isnt a problem, and then the insanity begins again. 

A few weeks ago, I patted myself on the back for coming up with a self-care plan of sleeping in our guest room on nights that he was keeping me awake with his strange sleep patterns when he was drinking.  My AH has shown me once again, that you cannot ever be so far ahead of the curve as to anticipate or plan for someone elses erratic behavior. 

With the weather topping out well over 100 degrees each day, we pretty much have to sleep with the windows open or run the AC all night, which we cannot afford and I dont really like.  The past few nights he has chosen the patio area outside our bedroom window to sit at all night talking to himself, or playing the guitar, or talking to the skunks, raccoons or whatever else wander by in the midnight hours.  There is no room with a bed that does not share this patio. 

Normally, I put in my earplugs and let him have at it, but his behavior bordered on scaring me on Monday night.  He was talking to himself for HOURS about me.  How bad I am, how mean I am, how disrespectful I am, how hypocritical I am, how much better he would be if he hadnt married me 20 years ago, how God told him NOT to marry me, etc., etc., etc.  At some point, I realized I was afraid.  He was so erratic, I wondered if he would try to harm me.  After a while, I prayed for safety and fell asleep until the next time he moved around and woke me. 

As I am writing this, I see my next act of self-care will be to close the window, turn on the AC and pay the bill when it comes, if this scenario plays out again.  And possibly, lock the door to our room.  And that option really makes me sad.

But, there is always some new insanity that I cannot prepare for, that I must be able to find a way through.  Maybe not tonight, maybe not this week, most often when I least expect it. 

 

It really is a progressive disease.  It really is a cunning and BAFFLING disease.



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Bethany

"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be."  Abe Lincoln



~*Service Worker*~

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I'm sorry Bethany, that sounds so stressful (and so familiar). I wish I knew of something that could help.
I found that every time I tried to do something to keep myself safe/serene, drunk He found a way to circumvent it and tear down whatever boundaries I tried to build. I retreated further and further, virtually imprisoning myself in a room which he eventually kicked the door down to anyway. Ugh. I don't meant to catastrophise on your behalf but, it helped to start having an exit plan, whether I was planning to use it or not. Where would I go, how would I go, what would I need? I'm not suggesting you should stay/go/ whatever but starting to make a plan B gave me some peace of mind.
The thought of not feeling safe when I sleep now is unfathomable to me yet it was a reality night after night for years. It's very tiring to the soul.
Hugs.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Bethany,

if you are worried enough to lock your door, maybe you are as scared as your are sad? You do at least make sure you carry your phone into your guest room? Please take care of yourself, and listen carefully to yourself if you get scared, there may be a good reason for it that you can't do anything about other than to not be in the situation.

Kenny

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Senior Member

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Yes, Kenny, I think I am as scared as sad. I am working on a plan to have another place to go when I don't feel safe. If I think too hard about it, I worry I am "overreacting", and if I try to talk to him about this new weird feeling of fear of physical harm he will definitely say I am overreacting. But it is there non the less and I need to address.

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Bethany

"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be."  Abe Lincoln



~*Service Worker*~

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((Bethany)) talking to the skunks,possums and crickets is alarming enough. I became concerned when it came to complaining about me,as it did. I too ended up in a tiny bedroom, isolated until I finally decided enough was enough.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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You deserve to feel safe, so I don't think that you are over reacting. I am so sorry that you have this going on, it is cruel to hear such ranting even though we all know it is so untrue. Sending you huge (((((((hugs)))))))). As Betty says, Positive thoughts and prayers on their way.


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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks for sharing. It truly is cunning and baffling. Im glad youve got a plan b for when your ah is behaving this way. You sound as if youve got recovery under your belt and so you wont put up with unacceptable behaviour for long. This disease in full throttle terrifies me but then I trust myself that if it gets too scary then I will do the right thing for me and my safety and my serenity. Our program tells us not to suffer for anothers sickness or recovery. Your not alone.x



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~*Service Worker*~

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Bethany, (((Hugs))) your post takes me right back to the time I had those same sleepless nights with an alcoholic in the house. It was a wake-up call for me when my therapist mentioned that stress that goes on for more than 6 months is considered "chronic stress". I did not want to be chronically stressed and have it affect my health. That convinced me it was OK to protect my sanity by any means necessary. Sending positive thoughts your way, for the courage to change the things you can.

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~*Service Worker*~

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That sounds very stressful and genuinely scary.  I don't think you are overreacting at all.  I've noticed that if anything we tend to underreact.  He sounds as if he is kind of going off the deep end.  And it is scary that you might be needing to keep tabs on his condition to be prepared in case he tries to take action on his resentments and harm you.  Of course if you try to talk to him about it he will minimize it, and in fact he probably doesn't remember afterwards that he did all that.  My A would do crazy things and have zero memory of them the next day.  And I believe he never intended, when he was sober, to damage anything - but when he was drunk he would be transformed into a different thing entirely.  So what they say when they're more sober is sort of beside the point.

This sounds like a very stressful way to live.  I hope you can find some good ways to protect yourself.  Definitely have your phone, your car keys and your wallet in the room with you.



-- Edited by Mattie on Wednesday 22nd of June 2016 06:53:57 PM

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Senior Member

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it sounds like he may be "blacking out". Maybe you should record him ..... then someone wont think your overeacting. 

I think thats a manipulitive word "overeacting", it makes a person feel bad and question themselves. If several people on this site agree your not overeacting then your not. linsc



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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Bethany))) - your concern, fear and sadness appear logical to me. I see you using the program to process this event/situation and kudos for that. I did not experience this phase with my AH, but both of my sons were extremely passive/aggressive when active. I not only separated myself from them by a locked door, I changed the locks several times and upgraded as one of them actually kicked it down. I had a genuine fear at the time, and the insanity was very frightening.

I believe taking any/every precaution you feel necessary is rational. I do agree that you have every right to feel safe in your own home, so whatever makes you feel that way - go for it. In my situation, if I tried to talk with them and/or show them recordings, they came right back @ me suggesting I baited them. In other words, it did not help my reality at all.

(((Hugs))) - we are here and you are not alone!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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He appeared to be sober yesterday, and he was very "sweet". I was courteous, but I feel I have to put some distance there. I am thinking about letting him know what happened and the boundaries I have set in place. I have written and rewritten it out to avoid any blaming or shaming and I think I have it pretty good. It will be weird to read from a script. But before I do anything I want to be sure my motives are good. And really, does it matter what I say today? I don't know.

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Bethany

"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be."  Abe Lincoln



~*Service Worker*~

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I did have some success getting my husband to stop certain behaviors, although not to stop drinking. I hope you do what feels right to your heart and know that you are not alone.

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