The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Can anyone else relate? I have a great life today. I'm in a far better place than I was just 18 months-2 years ago. I have a decent job (the pay isn't great and there's no health benefits, but the job is in an industry I enjoy and the people I work with are great and it's only 8 miles from home). I have a man in my life who must love me more than he lets on, unless he's crazy since he just had us move in together and we now have a blended family of 5. My family is healthy. I am healthy. I go to the gym. I spend time with friends and have a great support group through my Al Anon girls and sponsor. My bf supports me, encourages me, is honest and transparent with me about who he is but it's exactly his confidence that blows me away and makes me think I am NOT good enough for him.
He would be fine without me. I know that and I always thought that would give me solace knowing that he doesn't NEED me, he wants me in his life instead. Yet, I struggle with fear and insecurity wondering how I'll measure up to all his past girlfriends who were confident career women, a few of them were doctors and one was a TV news anchor. He is a driven man, he is confident and some folks would even say he's arrogant, until you get to meet him and see that he's humble and that he will serve you and do anything for you if you ask. I am not putting him on a pedestal, by any means, I'm just comparing myself to what he had in his life before and how he is today. Maybe my problem is that I desire to be needed, to fix someone, to rescue them, to make their lives better by fixing their problems? My bf doesn't need me to do that for him.
I think what i'm learning is that I based my value on my ability to rescue, to fix, to enable, to make excuses for, to coddle, to mother........I now doubt my value and struggle with fear because I don't know how to be in a relationship where a man doesn't need me for those things. If he doesn't need me for those things, than what am I there for?
Yes, this is where my thinking becomes distorted. Now that we live together, I can't hide myself from him. He sees through me and recently told me, "Please answer these questions honestly, not in the way you think I want you to answer......" Yes, I am a people pleaser, too, but hey, at least he asked me to be honest and true to myself. My XAH never knew the real me, I think. Honestly, I am not sure I really did, either, because I was so busy twisting myself into a pretzel to fix him, mother him, be a mother and a father to our son because his dad was absent emotionally, etc. I am scared out of my mind that my bf will see the real me: the scared me, the one who has fear shadowing her often, the one who doesn't believe she can be successful at a high powered career path. My bf is pushing me to interview with his company to be a financial advisor and to get my licensing again ( I had my licenses back before I had my son) and he swears I will be good at it. He builds me up, points out my positive qualities, tells me that he wouldn't push me towards something if he didn't believe I was capable. I sometimes wish I believed in myself as much as he believes in me.
Just having one of those days.....
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
((Andromeda))) Sounds as if the" automatic negative voices" have taken over. Please write out your asset list daily and add to it each day. Remind yourself that you are certainly enough and are a child of God with all the assets and goodness that you need to have a good life. His former GFS are just that" former".
Remember alanon suggests that comparing ourselves to others leads to despair You are unique-- celebrate it I always remind myself that I am a complete person and so is everyone else. Walking side by side with another is a healthy relationship. It is not my job to hold up or fix another or look to them to fix me up.
Lastly reapplying for your license might be a great idea ao please consider it.
This is amazing awareness and I can completely relate to all you say and have also felt that way. I remind myself that I dont need him either. This is a great share, very open and honest. Thank you. I also felt intimidated by his ex's. I think when were older, we are both in our forties, we have baggage and history and hes felt threatened by my ex too n terms of feeling insecure and how can I compete but they are exs for a reason. It didnt work out for whatever reason that I dont feel is that important for me. Sometimes I feel that we are with the person for a reason and its all learning the good and the bad.
You have looked at yourself and been brave enough to see whats going on within you. The people pleasing, the codependency, the self esteem based on being needed. I think these are symptoms we all suffer from. Seeing them is not something we all do so this to me is progress. I think you have worked through the steps with this share. The next thing maybe for you to do with your awareness you have shared is to work on becoming ready to have these shortcomings removed. I wish i was further along myself to be able to make suggestions on how to that but Im not quite there yet either but it sounds like your moving in a good direction. I suggest reading the steps, following the instruction on what to do with your awareness. x
ToElcee
Just joined tonight and have been reading other people sharing many of the experiences I have had in my 62 years. I'm from a family of alcoholics and my ex husband was also . My partner of 22 years is in denial that he had a problem, I would say he's a high functioning alcoholic. I'm hoping to get some strength through this site.
I have benefitted from this site, reading here and also getting simple non-judgemental feedback from people who understand is really valuable. It really helped me as well to see that my experiences were not unique to me, I saw that other people suffered the same criticisms that I did, and I could see that they didn't deserve any of it. That helped me to stop taking the disease so personally and to see it for what it was.
I hope that you will stay with us.
Thank you Andromeda for this share, I have seen you being brave, kind, witty, thoughtful, considerate, wise and lots more. I see lots of assets in your posts, and I know, without any hesitation, how fearful and self-critical we can be even though we all have those assets!!! I wonder if that is where our courage lies? That is what I tell myself anyway. I have always loved the lion in the Wizard of Oz, he just kept on being brave, despite his fears (and looked kind of cuddly as well!).
In fact I just went and looked up a quote...
[the Cowardly Lion has just received a Courage Medal from the Wizard of Oz]
Cowardly Lion: Shucks, folks, I'm speechless. Ha Ha!
(((Andromeda))) - I can relate to what you share.....I love that my sponsor calls me out when I 'see' me with negativity as that's not how she sees me at all! I don't know why it is, but we often see ourselves so very differently than others see us. I so agree with Betty - write your assets out and focus on those because what we see in you is so very different than what you see in you!
I see courage, kindness, loving, patient, pretty and self-assured. I see one who used this program, worked their backside off and has grown tremendously into a lovely person facing each day as it comes. You are worthy and you have already proven that if necessary, you (and HP) can thrive with or without a BF/partner.
Huge (((Hugs))) girl - you got this!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you everyone! I will be sure to create an asset list this weekend. My BF and his girls are gone for a few days and it will give me time to reflect and try to see myself how others see me.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((Hugs))) - enjoy the peace and see you as we do!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I read a saying recently: "You can't learn to drive in a parked car." So I think we can't learn how to be our healthiest selves in relationships without being in a relationship and practicing. So that's what you're doing. At the same time, I'd bet that you have many emotional strengths that he doesn't have. Like being verbally open about your affection. So it's not as if you're the beginner and he's the expert. You bring different strengths to the relationship - and different imperfections. Unfortunately one imperfection we women tend to have is the feeling that we're always in need of improvement. But that's also a strength - it involves being humble and not thinking we know the answer to everything on earth. I would certainly rather be involved with someone who acknowledges their imperfections than someone who won't. (And I've been involved with plenty of the ones who won't.) So what I see is that you're in that good spot of acknowledging that you'd like to do some things differently, while being emotionally healthy and aware enough to acknowledge it! That's what we all want.
I just popped on the board to "lurk" and read and saw your post again. Your struggles remind me of a meeting I just attended that truly brought out emotions I never expected. I was shocked at my own feelings and my own awareness when I read my "assigned reading" and listened to others. It is with these in mind that I humbly suggest looking up topics related to self in the CTC and ODAT books. My particularly reading addressed my tendency to refer to myself in very negative terms and to self blame and basically to "call myself names" in my head. What I mean by this is that so often we find ourselves doing or saying something and making a mistake and then saying aloud or to ourselves that we are stupid, dumb, ignorant, clumsy, "not as good as", undeserving, to fat, too thin, to short, too tall, too _______ (just fillin the blank) and that we deserve whatever negative thing has happened or don't deserve the positive things that have happened.
Considering the numerous readings in the AlAnon literature on this topic (and the way the readings impacted me personally), I'd say many, many of us have a tendency to feel "less than"', "undeserving", or even "unworthy". I realized I have done this my whole life and do this to this day. I have vowed to work on this one character "trait" (I will not call it a flaw) every day until it is second nature. I will no longer refer to myself as stupid, when I know full well that I am not, or fat, when I know this is not a truly accurate description either, but a problem which seems always to remain in the front of my mind. I will no longer say out loud or to myself that I am unworthy, because I am worthy. Simply put, you cannot truly love another unless you allow yourself to truly love your own self first.
Please read up on all topics of self doubt, self love, self acceptance, worthiness, and negativity and I think you may find what you seek in the words of our very own readers.
And, Mattie, you are right about the parked car thing. I remember thinking that when I first started back in to dating. I figured I'd learn more by practicing it than by avoiding it completely.
When I came home from work on Thursday, my bf and his girls left us a large sign in the kitchen that read, "B and G, Have a great Weekend! See you Sunday! XOXO" and all 3 of them signed it and drew us a picture of some sort. It was super sweet and even my 17 year old enjoyed being greeted in that way.
At every step in this new relationship, I have questioned my bf's love and caring for me......but, really, I should be questioning my love of self. He has progressed 'us' just as he felt was right for him and for his children. Slow in the beginning, no big commitment or fanfare, taking his time getting to know me to see if I'm truly ready for a committed relationship after having come out of a 20 year marriage. Then spending more and more time together, introducing me to his children, introducing me to his family, etc etc......until it got to a point where he asked me to move in with them. Even then, I wondered what his motivation was because 'motive' was all I knew from my past. I could never believe that the reason was, "Because he loves you....."......I always felt there had to be more than that, there had to be a negative reason behind it, there had to be something I was missing. So, that is my struggle for today. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that this man AND his children love me for me.
And, yes, I do need to stay in my program materials and do the work I need to do to stay grounded!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
""Because he loves you....."......I always felt there had to be more than that, there had to be a negative reason behind it, there had to be something I was missing. So, that is my struggle for today. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that this man AND his children love me for me. "
That speaks volumes. After having a program of recovery, it seems that once something is in your awareness you generally wind up accepting it and moving forward in a positive way.
