Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Anonymouskb · Member

Alone

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Anonymouskb I am sorry that you are needing to cope with this dreadful disease now that you have a precious newborn to care for. I know alanon meetings may be difficult to attend but It is there that you will receive the simple tools and support necessary to cope with this disease.

We do have on line meetings here- so Please check on-line meetings here and attend.

There is hope and help.

Anonymouskb · Member

Thank you, hotrod. He just arrived home and is calling me the worst names he ever has. After I cried, I just started praying for him. Praying for healing, for redemption. Praying for me to have strength, patience, love for him and for myself. I spend everyday living in fear, wondering if today will be the day.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

You deserve to feel safe in our own home I do understand what is going on in your home right now and I urge you to not engage, keep praying, stay safe with your child. If necessary plan to call 911.
You will be in my prayers tonight .

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Anon, and welcome.
I'm sorry to hear of your situation; it sounds really difficult.
I wonder if your h's parents couldn't actually help improve the situation by minding the newborn so that you can take steps to reduce your isolation? (I'm thinking meetings). I do know that pre al-anon things seemed absolutely hopeless and I couldn't see my way out. I don't know exactly how or why but the more time I spent working al-anon the more I started to see my way through impossible situations, and I found surprising resources and solutions that I'd never have imagined.
There are meetings online here also.
Hugs!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Many communities have Al-Anon meetings with childcare. Maybe there is one in your town?

I'm wondering why you feel you can't tell your in-laws or your friends? I know sometimes we're embarrassed and ashamed that we're in this situation. But the saying "You're only as sick as your secrets" helped me - because when I told the truth, people were a lot more understanding than I had imagined. Of course some people offer solutions that are too simple - "Well, just do X and Y and that will fix everything!" Not telling them is self-protective. But the isolation of suffering and trying to pretend everything is dandy can be torment. I do hope you can get to some meetings, or join them here online, and get more support. Nobody should have to do this alone. Hugs!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Anonymouskb - welcome to MIP - glad that you found us and so very sorry for what has brought you here! I understand the chaos of the disease as well as the 'nobody to talk to' - his behavior is not your business to share/tell with others BUT your feelings are yours to share. In Al-Anon (meetings, sponsor, steps, tools) I learned that while I always connected my feelings and reactions to the choices/behaviors of my qualifier, I had my own issues/insanity caused by living with this disease.

In the program, we work hard to keep the focus on us and not the qualifier. We seek to understand the disease and to understand how we can act/react/heal/deal with the affects of this disease. My truth has everything to do with me and how I think, feel, act, react to this disease - and I had to learn that my part can be changed whether another person does anything different.

So - in meetings when you can get to them, you can share your story without betraying him. Others will offer support and listen without judgement. They will also offer their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) as to how they are able to heal from the affects of the disease and provide fellowship without advice.

You are not alone and there is hope. Please keep coming back - we're here for you!

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

The best thing I ever did was break the isolation that this disease causes. I didn't tell anyone for the longest time. Partially because I was in complete denial and just didn't want to admit it to myself that he was an A. I even was seeing a therapist for over a year and never mentioned it to her - always avoiding the big elephant in the room. It wasn't until he was at his worst before I could finally tell someone. I finally told my parents what was going on and they were shocked. More so because he was very good at hiding it from others but I still wonder why it took me so long to tell my mom because she dealt with this with my dad who is a recovering A. I started to slowly tell some of my close friends what was going on and let me tell you it felt like a 100 pound weight was lifted off of me. It wasn't easy but once you confide in one person you will find it so freeing. Just know that this is nothing to be embarrassed about. I found that so many of my friends wanted to lend me support and it was so nice to finally tell the truth about something. If you don't want to tell friends/family I would suggest face-to-face meetings. Just know that you are not alone. Hope you at least keep coming back to the boards.

-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Wednesday 22nd of June 2016 03:31:19 PM

kbanonymous · Member

Thank you for asking me this. It helped me to question myself.

My mother didn't speak to me for 2 years because she looked up a background check and saw his record. My mother and sister didn't come to my wedding. My family will alienate me if they believe I should get out and am not. His family will be destructive in their methods of trying to control him. We all know that doesn't work. I don't want to harm his ability to get a job in the future because someone ends up with a bad feeling about him for actions that will hopefully be in the past(although I imagine them continuing).

kbanonymous · Member

I love what you said about "you can share your story without betraying him". I feel isolated but the reason I stay isolated is because of not wanting to betray him. I'm unable to get to meetings and have been looking for someone to be a virtual sponsor for me that can email with me. Would you be interested in trying that?

Enigmatic · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi kb, so glad you reached out to MIP; welcome. I feel for you and the challenges and choices that you are facing. The comments above are solid and I hope they have been helpful. To those I will simply add that, when facing difficult choices, I found that by taking in as much of the program as I could possibly fit in the form of meetings, reading AlAnon books, and being involved online, I was able to find the peace, strength, and direction to get through one day at a time until my perspective or circumstances changed.

Hang in there, here is hope... you will get through this, keep coming back

reener · Member

Aloha anonymous. Glad to see you hung around to learn more from the family. I saw what always concerns me about this disease "the possibility of violence". When they are under the influence of Alcohol they are not sane but otherwise. I didn't understand this early on which kept me engaged thinking I could help my alcoholic/addict understand and change her behaviors and then it was I who came understand that not even God could do what I was trying. The alcoholic isn't even in the same room while under the influence of a mind and mood altering chemical. I needed to place myself and her also in safety rather than discover the fatal nature of this disease. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind body spirit and emotions and it does kill not only the drinker. Keep yourself and your children safe....stick with Al-Anon and MIP. Keep comi back. (((Hugs)))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene