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Post Info TOPIC: Deeply in love with an alcoholic


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Deeply in love with an alcoholic


We met a few years ago, got very close.  We had a strong, unique connection. Nothing physical, just friends. He did ask mw out but it never happened, he always had excuses until he totally disappeared and I assumed he was just not that interested. 

We lost touch and met a few months ago. It felt so good and right. We immediately got together... Until I found out that he now has a gf. 

She left and I found out that he's been an alcoholic for 10 years. She was gone but I stayed-cooking for him, cleaning his sick after hours of drinking, trying my best to help him. 

He stopped talking to me for a fee days, then suddenly came back to apologies. He was totally sober. He said he loves me and tried not to admit tthat because I'm "then other woman" . According to his family he never really admitted to have a problem, but when he came to me he called himself "an alcoholic" and asked that I join him to AA to give it a shot. He said I was his wake up call and kept saying he loves me and wants to change so we can be happy together. He said I'm too good and he doesn't deserve me. He really did open up to me and told me about his troubled childhood that led him to drinking.  

When he left my place he was so sober and calm and I felt Nothing but love. 

But he kept drinking, it's been a week and we only spoke once - he was so drunk he didn't know where he was. And then, while being  wasted, he told me to move on, forget about him and that he only loves his ex. 

 

I can't handle the pain I feel. I believed every word he said when being sober, I thought there was a reason for him to open up to me and ask for my help. I thought I was a good influence.  

I don't know what to do now. I simply can't move on or forget. I love him so much and can't imagine him dying somewhere alone. But I don't know if he was just making fun or did he actually mean. If he didn't mean a thing then I'm wasting my time. If he did reach out for me and does love me, I feel like I should stick around and help him. 

 

 

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Nawew I am glad that you had the courage to reach out for help. Alcoholism is a dreadful , chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. We did not cause the disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
You have just experienced some of the many negative aspects of the disease and are feeling the affects. We who love or simply live with people who have this disease require a program of recovery of our own because of the insanity that we have coped with.

Alanon is that program. Face to face meetings are held in mot communities and the hot line number is in the white pages, It is here that I broke the isolation of living with the disease, developed new tools to live by and regained my ability to focus on myself with restored self esteem.
Keep coming back You are not alone.






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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Newbie

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Thank you! Can I believe him at all? When he's sober, when he's drunk?
When he's sober which is quite rare, he's willing to go get help and wants me there.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Alcoholics often say what they think we want to hear. It is difficult to determine the truth. If when sober, he wants help then what keeps him for getting it? The nearest hospital or the nearest AA meeting can be found in the white pages.
I would ask myself what I need in a relationship to be happy and then search out alanon meetings.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Nawew - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared. The disease of alcoholism is cunning, powerful and progressive. AA is for them if/when they choose recovery. Al-Anon is for those of us affected by someone else's drinking. I agree with Betty - Alcoholics often say what we want/need to hear and often it is far from reality.

I encourage you to attend Al-Anon meetings to understand more about the disease and to get more ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) from others who live with or have lived with the disease.

Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope always!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

El


~*Service Worker*~

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I needed to see the last 2 posts on alcoholics saying what they think we want to hear and it is usually pretty far from reality. My AH is facing some pretty serious physical consequences of his drinking and although claiming he is going to stop, has yet to do so.  He has cut back, but we know it doesn't take long to get back up to speed with that.

Although I KNOW I am powerless, I have made a couple of last ditch efforts, fully aware that I am doing all the "efforting"  here and it won't amount to a hill of beans anyway.  In my mind though, I need to know that I tried my best.  Last night, I gave it one more shot to talk about it.  While claiming to want to quit, he also has kept the refrigerator stocked with beer because it is the only way he will beat it......what a bunch of hooey that is!  I quit smoking 18 mos ago and told him that would be like me having a drawer full of cigarettes and not be expected to be tempted by them.

So, it was one last discussion how I want to be able to spend our retirement being as healthy and active as possible (I am retiring at the end of this month).  I said his lifestyle is too engrained to be successful without support of AA/sponsor/some sort of rehab.  Keeping alcohol in the house will not make him beat it and without support it will most likely not work.  I stressed that he is a good person and he can't help that he is affected by alcohol the way he is, but as with any other illness, he needs treatment.

What did he say?  "Yes, I know and I am going to quit. Yes, you are right and I am going to do this."  Hours later he popped open a beer.  Soooo.....this phantom day of quitting is God knows when....if ever......and I guess now I just HAVE to stop making last ditch efforts.  On top of it, he already has this fatalistic attitude of a short life.....it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, I'm afraid.

Are there really any miracles about this anywhere?  I keep hearing about people who have relapsed YEARS after their quit.  Do we just always hold our breath waiting for the relapse?  I know to be grateful for the day......but really.....what are the chances of lifetime recovery?  It is so sad to watch.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Nawew, Welcome to Miracles in Progress.

I have determined that it is almost impossible to know anyone's motivations ever, but especially an active alcoholic's. I have noticed that when my wife is active, she can lie right through her teeth to me, but I don't think she lies to me any worse than she lies to herself. So how is even *she* going to know the truth if she is constantly lying to herself?

Best thing that happened to me was going to Al Anon meetings and coming here. I was able to get some sense of rationality back, and be able to parse through these questions to an extent - sometimes the answer is not even yes/no, sometimes the answer comes in the form of "does it even matter?"

keep coming back
Kenny

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~*Service Worker*~

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It does sound like he is deep in the throes of his illness and probably has no idea himself how he truly feels, other than what makes him feel better from one moment to the next. It's also possible that he knows how to push your buttons and pull you close/push you away and hurt you is a way to make sure he has you on the hook. Unwell people can play those games without even knowing that they are doing it, or any awareness of the terrible emotional toll it takes on others.
What matters really is, how does the behavior make you feel, and is it a feeling you want to keep having? What do you want from a relationship and do you think you can get that, in any consistent manner with this guy?
Al-anon is great for helping you to work out what you really want and need, and then take action to make those things happen.
If you work on yourself, and get yourself to a stronger, healthier and happier place, then if you do end up together you'll have a much better chance of making it work, and if you don't, well, you'll be stronger and happier...it's a win either way!




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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



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Reading this post, I think...hmm, could you Nawew, be "the other woman" that my exAB left me for? Your story hits home all too well. My exAB couldn't decided between me( the girlfriend of over 10 years) or the other woman. He chose her. Then when that was done; told her he only loved me and of course I let him back. I wasn't aware of how impactful and deap his disease was until after coming back to me; he wanted to leave yet again for the other woman. It was that back and forth he played (and that I allowed him to play) that I could see that he was a man struggling with who he was and what he needed to make him happy. An intense affair gave him an "high" and yet boring old me gave him that stability he was seaking. Neither could fix the void he felt each day when he wasn't drinking; neither relationship could get him out of the depression. And yet that's what he tought "If I am with this person; then I should be happy; yet when I'm not with the other person I miss them" Back and forth and back and forth; we both allowed the game to play; when sober those words felt so strong; yet when drunk the sneaking, lying and manipulating was ever so present.

Our stories are parallel; I can empathize with the struggle to comprehend what is truth and what is just being said to apease everyone. Only you know what will keep you sane, bring you hope, mend your heart. As all have said; find a face to face meeting as well. Try a lot, go often. I cried through so many of mine. And then, the tears stopped. As I gained strength from the other members by hearing their stories and realizing I wasn't alone; I could make some decisions for my life that revitalized me, stopped the cycle of thoughts and took that anxiety away.

Thanks for sharing your story; it allowed me to take a look at my own story and my own steps through this recovery process.







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~*Service Worker*~

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I had a boyfriend who would go back and forth between declaring passionate love for me and disappearing or not caring.  I was waiting and waiting for the passionate love to win out.  Now I wish I had heard that saying, "When someone tells you who they are, believe him."  I was wondering: who was he really, the passionate one or the uncaring one?  But he was neither, he was exactly what I saw - someone who could only veer dramatically back and forth between passionate and uncaring.  Ultimately, though, the fact that he couldn't be a steady partner meant that he was essentially uncaring.  Even though he felt passionate half the time - it wasn't a passion that did me any good. 

I waited too long to get free of him.  Partly the rush of adrenaline when he'd come back after all my worry - that was very addictive.  And the whole rollercoaster just increased my craving for him.  In retrospect, it was a nightmare.

I hope you can take good care of yourself.



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Newbie

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I must admit the sad truth - I came here on my edge looking for support but I somehow feel a bit attacked, I guess being "the other woman" makes some here remember their own previous experiences and pain even if they are not aware of that really, so I'm sorry if my story made any of you any pain.

 

And no Crau, they were not even close to have a 10 year long relationship ...



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a4l


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Everything in an alcoholic moment is real for that moment.... And no longer whether drinking or not at the time. What you see right now is what you get. A man with addiction issues ,commitment issues and a self serving philosophy. Why are you attracted to that? Keep coming back and welcome.

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Veteran Member

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True not even close in terms of a 10 year long relationship. However if felt like you were talking about my story as my ex reacted and behaved the same way. What I was getting at, which didn't come through clear was that i could understand that pull that you had with your own heart and mind. The stuff he says sober is so powerful you want to believe and then the drunk him makes you question everything and what is true. That you see a man calling out for help and wanting to change and yet his behavior maybe doesn't reflect those words 100% of the time. And to speak of "the other woman" I too was that role in the back and forth that my ex played with me and her. You had no clue what you were stepping into and by the time you had your heart was already invested. What I think I'm hearing others say and what I feel that this is a man that is search for something that he can't quite find; happiness from the outside rather than looking in. at the end of the day, your heart had strong feelings for this man; regardless of the circumstances-you want him to get better and want to have a future with him. Your relationship with him is real. However this is a man that is struggling with something that deeply impacts relationships as you have experienced. taking the focus off him and mirroring back to you so you can see what you can control and can't in this situation is a tool that can help that constant worry or overthinking subside. I hope you have a chance to read other posts throughout the site and just gain some insight from the stories others share. Some you will find parallel and other not; but hopefully a perspective of how each of us who love or have loved an alcoholic lives have been affected. There is not advice and should be no judgement. Remember this is a journey; at times on this site too I feel attacked as well; like I'm not doing the program perfect and others call me out on it. I have to remember this is my story, my journey. I can choose to share it with whoever. I can't control how others with respond to me only how I respond them. Again thank you for sharing your story. please continue to speak your truth and share you mind.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Nawew I am sorry that you did not feel heard or understood in our responses. I re read each persons response to you and found each attempted to identify with your problem and offer support . One member attempted to use humor to address the issue and that may have been where you felt misunderstood.
Please keep coming back. You are not alone.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1662
Date:

All are welcome, going to face to face meetings are a
Great Beginning to your own recovery Journey.

We all have our own issues, just focus on yourself and
Your healing and growing in the program. Its not really
about Your qualifier its about you getting better and
Healing from within.

Hugs and welcome

((((( nawew ))))

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Member

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That is so hard. Everytime my AH says he is quitting, he stocks up because he says it makes him feel in control of things. I'm so afraid that if he does officially quit someday and even if it lasts for a few beautiful years or for his lifetime, I'm so afraid that I will spend the rest of my life in daily fear of him slipping up. Even if he conquers his alcoholism, it does me no good if I don't conquer my own fears.

 

In this with you. 



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