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So I had one good day of detachment. Now I'm percolating in a darker space but I came here to vent momentarily.
Here's a family milestone nobody wants to achieve: the first time someone tells your kids "your daddy got drunk and passed out and the police came"!
Kids got this from their cousin. The story is true although some of the details got a little messed up, but the central truth is there. Nephews mom wrote to me to apologize, mortified. I assured her that it was ok. I'm not mad at her. She didn't get drunk and pass out and make the police come to a public place.
Kids are asking me some questions. I need a minute to think this through before I say anything so I let one go and play with his friend and the other is on an iPad. My counselor had told me to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. I can't help but think that there is no age at which it is appropriate to find out that your parent has done crap like this, but I'm going to have to get over it.
I'm going to tell them that everybody makes decisions and daddy made a bad one, but he's ok (which is true - he didn't have to have surgery like nephew thought), and he just didn't realize how much it would affect him. (That's true.)
If anyone else has more suggestions, I'm all ears.
I'm also feeling that ANGRY feeling welling up in my belly, but for the moment I'm tamping it down by being in MommyMustFunctionAtFullCapacity mode right now. Mommy must think of a way to explain this "crazy story" in such a way that it doesn't make the kids worry any more than they may have already done so.
I'd like to imagine that this could be a bit of a lesson for Daddy in that he's been very happy that the kids have not been involved in his dramas (so far), but now he would learn that it's not so easy to sweep things under the rung. But I think it's more likely that daddy will go ballistic mad and blame his brother/wife. Will ignore the minor fact that, if he hadn't gotten loaded, this whole episode would not have ever happened to begin with.
Fedora - in my experience around here, I took it to the lowest level possible. In other words, I never suggested drinking was a choice, because to a child, they will assume one can choose to just not do it any longer. Instead, I would focus on the what....not the who - such as - drinking too many adult beverages can affect one's thinking, walking, talking, etc. I never talked as if their father made a bad choice or was a bad person, but rather that too much alcohol was bad.
Evening is not prime thinking time, so if this makes no sense, I can try again tomorrow. My kids saw others who over-indulged in family too. We had many conversations about over-indulging and when they were age appropriate, and school discussed substance abuse and addiction, then we drilled down on it more. I never led the conversation - I let them lead it.
Most importantly, breathe and use simple explanations as best you can...(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dear Iamhere,
Thanks for your reply. I had not thought of those things, so it was very helpful. We had a talk about what it means to be drunk (and I kept it really simple), and why that is bad. And that daddy is ok now (today, which he is). My younger one (6 yrs old) came out and asked "Is daddy suicidal?" And that took me for a loop. After we explored how he knew that word I assured them that daddy is Not.
(Does mommy think murderous thoughts from time to time, well, ha ha - good thing that question didn't come up.)
And yes, Daddy is pretty mad at brother/wife/his mom. He thinks everyone has painted him as an alcoholic unfairly. I told him that, while he may now be wearing the label in public, it doesn't mean he has to prove everyone right. I told him that every day he lives to do the right thing is another day that he a can "prove everyone wrong". This still makes him mad because he denies that he's got a problem. But at this point in the conversations I back off and say, "That's all I've got to offer."
Hi Fedora
My share:
We just had Fathers Day. At school my 5 year old made a monster card with big arms to hug his Dad. I thought that was it but then my yr old ran to his school bag and took out a card he had made for the day. Gave it to his Dad. I thought nothing of it. Yesterday I decided to read the card it said; Dear Daddy, even tho you hav a siknes of beer I stil love you and thank you for evrithing you do for me.
Apart from my own heart breaking for my son, I must now think of a way and whether to talk to him about what he wrote. For now I am leaving it, thinking that this is his path and has obviously rationalised it already to some extent in his own mind. I will keep mulling it over and if I come up with the worlds best miracle words, then I'll talk to him.
For now I cant decide whether to hate the Dad (abf) for doing this to a beautiful innocent child, or myself, for being with an alcoholic and having these children and exposing them to it. Non constructive feelings which I will try to deal with using the steps.
