The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a one year member of Alanon and attend meetings every Saturday. I kicked my daughter out of the house a year ago after 5 years of abuse and the new knowledge that she was in the heat of becoming a meth addict. She has been homeless since then. On Friday she was arrested and charged with Robbery. She was shoplfiting and then resisted arrest.
She has been in jail since Friday and could be there until tomorrow or ......
I have not accepted collect calls, and I haven't gone to visit her. I feel like if I do the only result will be her begging me to bail her out or yelling at me that this is my fault because I won't let her into my home. She has been abusive and violent as are most drug addicts.
I have offered her sober living, IOP, and other boundaries that she continues to avoid, refuse etc. She is prostituting herself as well as stealing - from my home, from other homes, and now retail as well.
I am trying to practice the fact that I can't control this or cure it and she needs to create her own path. But should I offer her legal counsel, should I try to coach her (with attorney input) on how to lessen her situation or do I just completely stand back and wait.
I am holding it together to be strong but inside I feel like I am going to crash.
I'm glad you have found us and glad that you have meetings. This has to be a stressful time - but the last five years sound plenty stressful too.
Al-Anon advises us not to cause a crisis or to prevent one. My reading of that would be that getting the charges lessened would prevent one. Experiencing the full consequences of their decisions is the way addicts come to want a different path for themselves, if they ever come to that realization.
Of course mine is not the only point of view and you know your situation best. I hope you are taking good care of yourself and getting as much support as possible. No way this is easy. {{{hugs}}}
-- Edited by Mattie on Monday 20th of June 2016 02:03:09 PM
Welcome Ewa I too am pleased that you found us and reached out. I am glad that you understand that you did not cause this, cannot control it and cannot cure it. I so understand the temptation to reach out and "help". When I am so tempted . I like to ask myself the question if my help will truly help the situation or am I simply acting to make myself feel better? Usually I am acting so I will feel better and I my "Helping" will not have any affect on the situation,
Remember that she will be assigned legal council and representation without your help. Prayers for guidance and courage never go unanswered. Objectively viewing the overall issue right now she is off the streets and in a relatively safe place. I would pray and let go
Please keep coming back and hold on to the serenity prayer
I was once in a very similar situation with my much younger sister, young enough to be my daughter, and she has manipulated me and my husband to where we had to ban her from our home.
Things went missing.
Fights broke out.
She robbed our parents many, many times.
She was sentenced to 2 years in prison and it was horrible for our family. Looking back, it was the best sleep my parents ever got. She was released from prison and went right back to her old habits.
Sometimes jail actually works for people and teaches them to be more responsible. I hope your daughter comes to her senses and respects you enough to reclaim your relationship with her.
miroslawa - welcome to MIP....so glad that you found us and glad that you shared. Two of my qualifiers (sons) each were arrested for felony theft. I did not offer legal counsel and they both were assigned public defenders. It was painful and difficult but I felt it was necessary they understand actions have consequences. Neither of them learned from their first arrest - they were not yet at their bottom. It got worse before it got better.
Stay true to your program and lean heavily on your home group and your tools. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers - (((hugs))) too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh God this is so awful. I really feel for you and Im so sorry your going through this. Your not alone and I think your being so strong. Im in a situation too where Ive let my son back but now Im trying to get myself out of it. Its so hard but Im trying to think that by helping you may be offering another crutch for her to lean on and continue in her disease. Is it wrong to tell an adult child that you wont be helping them with the consequences of their disease and you knwo they can sort it? I wish you the best of luck and all I can say is lean on your higher power thats what Im trying to do.x
Perhaps jail time is her hp working in her life? She is off of the streets, you know where she is and she is safe for now. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
