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Post Info TOPIC: Abandonment Issues anyone?


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Abandonment Issues anyone?


Hey friends,

This is my first post on this board, and wanted to know how some of you have overcome/deal with issues of abandonment? They are affecting my relationship at the moment to the point where it is stressing out my boyfriend (who isn't my qualifier), and I'm wondering what methods you use to cope with abandonment issues? I basically feel like I overanalyze every little my boyfriend does or doesn't do and interpret it negatively, leading me to believe I am not good enough for him. I'm sure his constant reassuring me is tiring him out a little bit and am afraid he will end it if I don't get myself together. I know I should attend more al-anon meetings as a start, but wanted to know if any of you face similar feelings in your relationships.

Thank you. :)

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome slynnmg, Growing up with and living with the disease of alcoholism, caused me to develop many negative coping tools that seem to work  when I was a child, but in adulthood caused me a great deal of trouble and discomfort.

Focusing on others, trying to predict what they are thinking, trying to read their mind, attempting to act in ways that would impress them were tools that I used in order to please others and keep the focus off myself.

 Entering Al-Anon and attending many, many meetings, picking up numerous tools such as the steps and the slogans enabled me to develop new and constructive tools to live by. These are:

keeping the focus on myself, making gratitude and asset lists , praying, living one day at a time and trusting HP. All this helped to restore my self-esteem and self-worth and allowed me to nurture myself without looking for approval from others.

I urge you to increase your Al-Anon meetings, pick up the tools and restore your self-worth.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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slynnmg - welcome to MIP. Glad that you found us and glad that you joined. I agree with Betty that our past will affect our current/present until or unless we process, heal and deal with it. I don't know if this relates or not but I struggled to be an imperfect person before I got here. I either felt inferior or superior in most of my relationships and was rarely at ease....

Al-Anon, the steps, the tools and a sponsor really helped me establish my self-esteem to feeling worthy and equal to others. Keep coming back - work the program for you and see what happens. You are worth it.

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

a4l


~*Service Worker*~

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Self esteem is my latest programme revelation. And seeing it as an asset. How I feel about me whether I realise what I'm feeling or not tends to dictate my choices. Even as a bit rampant alcoholic I feared my AHS abandonment of me. Then when a family member relapsed I suddenly remembered where that emotional memory came from. Remember I am powerless over others but not over me. I may not have a car house iPhone stunning career etc etc but I am free to cultivate patience over anger, a clean kitchen, a bunch of stuff to grow my self esteem iover my ego. Self esteem is such a valua

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP,

Yes, I became aware of having had abandonment issues, something that I didn't really know that I had because life had been kind to me for many, many years.

When things became uncomfortable for me (I was struggling to cope with my husband's alcoholic behaviour and my last parent died) I felt unsupported and alone and I didn't know that I could cope. Turns out that I could, and trusting my own two feet to stand on is wonderfully empowering! I took time to look at why these issues came up, where they came from and I asked them what they needed from me so that I could try to sooth their fears - because despite being a brave old soul, I was feeling fearful.

I resolved to learn how to trust myself, I was going to be ok. When I am happy and comfortable with myself I tend to question the motives of others less often so I resolved to look after myself and, if I really needed to, I would ask good friends when there was something that I felt unsure of.

I looked at difficult situations in my past that I had coped with and survived and came to realise that I hadn't done too badly after all, in fact there were, and are, many things in my life that I value. I guess it is a form of self-acceptance!

I found that keeping a journal of my feelings helped, as did keeping a gratitude list (listing the things in my life that I was grateful for) and an asset list (a list of the qualities about myself that I liked).

There are some real reasons for my 'abandonment' issues coming up when they did, and that was outside of my control, but the key for me was learning that some of my concerns were inside my own head and I was responsible for dealing with those. If someone else did put me down I did not have to believe them or care that much about what they said, because I came to know and trust in my own unique value!

Alanon meetings are a good idea - we have a safe environment in which to show our vulnerabilities and to learn from others who share their feelings with us as well.

Sending ((((hugs))))) and thank you for raising this thought provoking issue.



-- Edited by milkwood on Tuesday 21st of June 2016 03:35:26 AM

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Senior Member

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My fear of abandonment came from my childhood and family of origin. The very fact that I was adopted - therefore taken immediately from the woman who nurtured me before birth, and then given to my adoptive parents instilled subconscious abandonment issues. Also, my adoptive mother was ill-equipped emotionally to nurture a child, as she came from dysfunction and only 'knew what she knew' to do at the time. My mother was abusive to me, (and did not even realize it I now know) and my father traveled weekly for his job so I never developed a close loving relationship with him, and therefore felt 'abandoned' really by both parents. Like so many codependents, my coping tools were to be a 'perfect child', a people pleaser, and in early adult years, the perfect girlfriend, lover, then spouse - all driven by my fear of being 'abandoned' emotionally and physically by those close to me. I never believed I was 'good enough' or deserving. And my idea of 'love' was quite warped. We learn about love in our childhood homes. So whatever that looked like for us is generally what we attach ourselves to as adults - because it is familiar and what we have learned. I always gravitated towards men who were aloof, emotionally unavailable, dismissive of my feelings, distracted by their own addictions or issues. I fell in love with men who could 'act' the part of being loving, but could not truly 'feel' it. Just like the 'love' I received as a child.

I have done a lot of work in this area and the one thing that Al-Anon and working Step 4 has taught me, that I am ENOUGH. I am a worthy child of God (or the universe, or whatever higher power ) and even though as a child, I could not 'do' anything differently, NOW I know what I know. Al-Anon and lots of therapy have brought me to a place of self love and acceptance, forgiveness of my parents (they did what their experience had shown them to do), that there is nothing 'wrong' with me for wanting to be loved by someone and not left behind. It is a normal human condition. Life is about relationships with others. If our relationships are not peaceful and happy, life is not going to be happy. I have learned to determine what my needs are in relationships, and I am still learning to speak up for those needs and wants in a loving and confident way. I am learning that it takes two people to creatively find ways to meet each others needs and if it is not possible by one or both of us to meet those needs, then the relationship will not survive and should be ended. It is ok to not be compatible with someone. And I do not choose to suffer needlessly at the hands of another 'sick' person. I also have learned that no relationship lasts forever. Whether by death, separation or divorce - I have let go of the expectation of this grand outcome that this 'relationship' is the end all be all of my life. Of course, ideally - relationships will last til death to us part. But even then, we must part eventually. So for me, I try to focus on the here and now - am I happy today. Are my needs being met NOW. If not, is my partner/friend/family member willing to be a partner in the relationship to find ways to make it work. If not, then this is a relationship that is not beneficial for either of us and should be ended.

I have learned that I am the creator of my own reality. If I choose to stay in relationships with people whose relationship values to not align with mine, then I create my own suffering. It is not up to 'them' to change. Other people are not doing things TO me - I am allowing the poor treatment by staying with it.

Because we EXIST in this life, we are worthy. I no longer ask myself if *I* am 'good enough' for someone, or worry about if someone loves me or not. The real question is - 'is *he* good enough for ME. Does being with this person or in this friendship make me a better person, am I happy and full of joy ... or does being in the relationship make me miserable, sad and afraid. I always have a choice. Yes, we always have to interact with people we can't avoid - at work, neighbors etc. But I do not have to force myself through intimate relationships with people who discount my feelings and needs.

This is my life. This is it. I can decide how I want to spend my days. I am not trapped or held hostage, especially by people who are not capable of truly loving another in a complete and fulfilling way. I have options and choices. I have struggled through shame and guilt to discover my own power in my life, but I now know that I can spend my days with people I enjoy and CHOOSE to be with.



-- Edited by CyndiODAT on Tuesday 21st of June 2016 10:38:37 AM

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"There will be an answer.  Let it be." ~ The Beatles



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1662
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Working this program and working steps 1,2
And 3 help so much to begin our own recovery
Journey. Its really about reparenting ourselves
And learning to love and accept ourselves for
Who we are. Stop people pleasing and love
Ourselves much more and with more honesty
and Humility.

They say its the peeling of an onion that is very
Apt. My favorite saying is one thing begets another
thing then another. Thats apt too.

Hugs and welcome

((((( sly ))))))



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