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Post Info TOPIC: Courage to Change 20/6


~*Service Worker*~

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Courage to Change 20/6


Today's c2c is about fear, and the negative coping tools we may have developed to deal with it.

For example, many of us, when we are confronted, remain silent rather than speaking up for ourselves and we lose self respect in the process. The reading suggests that remaining silent is in fact reacting, rather than responding.

The reading reminds us that courage is fear that has said it's prayers, and that our best bet is to admit that fear is a problem for us and turn it over to our higher power. 

"Al-anon helped me to accept the fact that, although i have no control over other people's reactions or thoughts, I can change the way I react"....(In All Our Affairs)

***

I used to find responding to confrontation almost impossible. Having never learned to express anger safely, I would bite my tongue and if I did eventually explode I would be shaking and unable to breath. So learning to speak up for myself without fear or panic has been a long slow but rewarding process for me. I have found that stating my truth calmly when the confrontation arises and then if resolution isn't found, removing myself from the situation and talking it over with my HP before responding works best. I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to, but if I don't speak for myself when it matters, the shame and "doormat' feeling are really detrimental to my self esteem. It is getting easier!



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Great share Ms. M. I can so identify . I too would remain quiet when angry until i exploded and screamed the wrong and abusive words myself .
Letting go of fear is an interesting experience. Program taught me that,"Courage was simply fear that said it's prayers". That I could feel fear, pray for courage and guidance and still respond in a constructive manner with HP's help. It worked I found that when I am fearful and i pray I have the words to validate myself in a healthy fashion without blaming or judging others. My self esteem soars each time I respond in this fashion and feeling fear is no longer a problem.
I love another alanon slogan that sucggest that we:Face it, trace it and erase it." That has worked for me with fear as well.
Thanks for your service.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you so much for sharing this page, MM, and for your comments, hotrod. Fear can be such a powerful mover of thought and behavior, and has been the target of a lot of my program work. My 'old' reaction to fear was to try to alter or control the source of my fear. With the help of AlAnon tools and a higher power, I have had measurable success in altering the only thing I can control: my perspective.

It has not been easy, but with the guidance of the program, the effort I have put towards it has paid off...I am so grateful

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Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks MissMel, Betty and Paul for the great shares above me!! In my step work, I was truly surprised at how often FEAR had been the driver behind so many of my bad reactions, outbursts, and actions. If I wanted to get better, I had to work to understand more about FEAR and how it drove/affected me in so many situations. I was one who just erupted without any processing, so biting my tongue and not speaking my truth out of fear actually came in recovery. I was a dramatic person who took everything personally and not only participated in every fight, I started many and engaged in even more that were not remotely close to being my business.

So, I began holding back as a result of trying to do things different and went from eruptions to silent scorn to getting better at sharing my truth kindly. It does get easier but I will admit I still at times want to pounce!!!!

Make it a great Monday one and all. So grateful for all the fellowship and shares at MIP - it gives me what I need when I need it!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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I am still basing my actions on fear. Sometimes when I am dealing w my AH I am afraid to say anything because I am afraid of his reactions so I sometimes walk on eggshells. The arguments get so heated that I realize that I shouldn't engage like some have told me. The other thing is that I sometimes I end up getting walked on & not heard. He sometimes isn't capable of even listening. I have to not let the fear get me & take a stand I guess. Thanks to ala non I can see these things & not suffer too much in silence. Thanks for the reading y'all.

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Hoot Nanny


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I remain fearful of the future in the sense that I now understand that I Don't Know how bad it could get, and that my creativity is not enough to imagine all the ways this could go bad and very well may go bad. However, I have started to make some peace with the idea that because I'm not the one who is drinking, I don't have to be the one who is apologizing. And that, barring physical injury to myself or my kids, we will survive, one way or another. It may not be pretty, but it will happen. And that is helping me with a little bit of the fear.

Hoot Nanny - Not engaging with the alcoholic IS SO HARD! Yesterday I did such a great job of not doing it, and then this morning I slipped a little. Ugh! But now I am more aware of when I am "engaging". I'm finding that its a kind of discipline - like saying you're going to do sit ups every day. (And god knows I don't manage that.) Even when he's not around me, I find that the shadows of his issues (in the form of negative/unproductive thoughts in my head) are close by and I have to shut myself off from them.

My AH (like all of us) only hears what he wants to hear. Whether I say it aloud or not. So I started thinking, well, if I say things out loud, at least I will have said them. There are things that it has taken me months to say out loud to him and other things I still don't have the guts to say. I wish I could say that "every time I let one of these bombs drop out of my mouth, we all feel better". But we don't. Sometimes it has led to more complications and bad stuff. But it is also true that now the burden is not mine alone. And that does make me feel better.

I hope you get comfort from knowing you aren't alone. ((((Hoot Nanny))))



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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks Fedora: I can really relate & I don't feel alone. Hugs. I appreciate your interest in me.

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Hoot Nanny
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