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Post Info TOPIC: a bit of a ramble


~*Service Worker*~

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a bit of a ramble


I don't even know what I'm going to write about or what the theme is but I'm just going to start and see where it goes....

 

Yesterday was not a good day for me.  In fact it was bad.  I was irritable and ill tempered and it snuck up on me.  I think it might have had to do with having a family member visit the night before and I just feel odd after I'm around her.  I feel bad even saying that because she's lovely but I can't put my finger on it I feel very doom and gloom after she visits.  And that night on top of it my AH had been drinking and had been obnoxious and that bothered me too. So I woke up that morning and I was in a bad mood. I took it out on everyone around me.  I had to apologize to just about everyone I had been in contact with.  Oh well at least I was able to recognize my bad mood and take responsibility for it. That was a good thing.  Then last night my AH and I had decided we would go for a walk.  I was looking forward to it and meanwhile he drank a lot before the walk so that by the time it was time to walk he was drunk.  He still wanted to go and I decided to go too and try to enjoy myself too despite my disappointment that he was intoxicated.  I walked and tried to focus on the walk and not the fact that he was stumbling frequently, repeating himself often and going on and on about ridiculouslness.  It wasn't so much a conversation as a rant.  I talked about pleasant things when it was my turn to talk.  I took the route I wanted to take.  I enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air and smiled and chatted with people we came across.  When I got home from our walk I went upstairs and started to cry.  In the past I would have been so caught up in being angry and frustrated with him for chosing to drink so much that I would have been caught up in that.  I would have ruined my own walk by trying to show him how intoxicated he was lol. But I didn't ruin it. Last night I just felt sad.  Sad to see the person I love in such a state.  I felt like last night I could clearly see the alcoholism at work.  I think this is progress for me because I didn't fight with it or struggle with it.  I kept boundaries and felt as detached as I could be.  Maybe next time I might not go for the walk with him but it turned out to be ok last night.  Feeing sad is better than feeling angry.

Today my AH is so hung over.  He is unhappy, and grumpy and tired.  He's blaming it on his inability to sleep last night. And I am trying to keep my hands off all of that and go about my day.  In the past I would have loved the opportunity to point out that he's probably hung over.  But that's not my journey to figure out his drinking.  It's his.  And anytime I've tried to point it out to him I think it has just hindered his ability to see it for himself. A year ago on father's day I had come to the realization that his drinking was a problem for me because of his behavior at a dinner we took him to for father's day.  Not only did he behave ridiculously in the restaurant but he picked and started an argument with me on the trip home.  I feel like that was when I really started to wake up and see how much his drinking was effecting his behavior and me.  Before that I think I was blind to it.  I've come a long way in one year.  This morning I decided to hand the day over to my higher power and not to try to control anyone today.  That filled me with a sense of calm and peace that has continued on with me. 

My day isn't ideal but it's ok. Despite the storm going on around me I'm doing ok.  I was driving home today and thinking "you are not alone" and thinking of all of you and all of the people in my home group.  I'm so glad I can just write on here and talk about how I'm feeling sad and people understand.  I'm happy that my home group is there week after week to offer love and support. I'm grateful to all of you for being here and being you!

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1662
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Great share KT and straight from the heart.

I love shares from the heart they so Full of
Growth and our own healing journey.

Hugs

(((((( KT ))))))

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~*Service Worker*~

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((KT)) I found it a sure sign of recovery when i could honestly identify a feeling and share about it Living with the disease, I learned to turn all my feelings into anger because i could feel powerful and blame others. When I finally allowed my self to come out of denial and feel the feelings it was a true gift of the program.
Your share was indeed powerful. This is how we heal and learn to deal Thank you for sharing the journey.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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(((KT))) - your share shows me great progress! I remember when I realized I wasn't angry and resentful any longer - just sad. That sadness was a true emotion that I had not allowed myself to feel for many reasons but mostly for fear. I think deep down, if I allowed myself to feel sadness that meant acceptance and there was no hope. The program showed me and taught me that the hope is for me and about me. I fully understand how hard it is to accept and see one you love going on a foreign and dangerous path.....but you have grown a ton and just keep coming back!

(((hugs))) - great share!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs ((((((KT)))))))

Thank you for sharing such a powerful post, I can see such honesty about our journeys in what you have written. Thank you.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you all for your hugs and words of encouragement. Betty I think that is exactly what I do (or did) I turned everything into anger to try to feel more powerful and in control too. Underneath it all is this idea that I somehow "let" this happen to him. I know logically that I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it but my heart is just taking some time to absorb what my brain already knows. You are right Iamhere there is hope for me. It's just sad to let go in a way. I feel a bit like I'm abandoning him. I know that's not true or even logical but there is that small part of me that feels like if I stop fighting with the disease I am giving up on him. But I am trying every day to hand him over to my higher power because he's in better hands there than he is with me.

This is such a weird feeling. I feel like I had this giant ice wall (like in the show game of thrones) built up to protect me and now it's melting. It's like my heart is thawing and it feels good in many ways because I like myself so much more than I did before. I respond better than I ever have to so many things in my life. But it also feels so vulnerable. The anger is going away. so many small things used to throw me into a blind rage (even if I just felt it internally) Fear or anger were the only two feelings I felt on a regular basis. Now I have all these other feelings coming up.

Thanks for listening and being part of my journey. I could never do this alone. Last night I went to my meeting and just listened. I had been sharing a lot lately and I felt like last night I just wanted to hear what others had to say. I gained a lot of wisdom from many people in the group. And I felt hopeful after I left.

Hugs to all of you!

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~*Service Worker*~

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((KT)) love your recovery I too felt the "melting of the walls " that 'I had built within to protect myself from the world. What i found was that these walls only" walled me in" and really did nothing to protect me.
Practicing the program, learning to keep the focus on myself , developing principles to live by, learning how to validate myself without blaming others, and by trusting HP I found that I could feel vulnerable but still be safe. The reason for this is that I was no longer abandoning myself by jumping into everyone else's business and not minding myself and the walls were no longer necessary. Great work KT

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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I love what you said about rather be feeling sad then angry. Everytime I choose to walk out of the room that's an encounter with my AH to go cry, I consider it a win. Later I look back at how I didn't follow my instinct to yell or point out his issues but rather to walk away and cry it out.

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