The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not only in-love with an alcoholic. I have found out he is a narcissist, porn addict and pathological liar. Why such a combination of things? Talk about a walking mess, including me. I have finally left this time without crying. I am cried out. Long story short: I left him the last time and took everything, he talked me back, but I only brought two backpacks with me. He was surprised because he wanted me to bring all my things back. I had told him I wasn't sure I would stay because I didn't know how long he would stay sober and could not take one more relapse. Five weeks later (and with him dry) we decide to visit my Mom and look at property. This was June 9 of this year (my father passed away June 10 2012). We packed all of my things and went back to Tampa. We unloaded the truck and he said to me, "We will not go through this again, honey." I told him I was relieved to hear this and proud of him for each day of sobriety. He relapsed 4 hours later. Now this is my story:
Theres A Hole In My Sidewalk: Autobiography In Five Short Chapters ~ Portia Nelson
Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I cant believe I am in the same place. But, it ins't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in its a habit but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Tampa, so much of your story is similar to mine: alcoholic (though dry for 20 years before relapsing), narcissist, liar (I don't think he even realizes when he's lying), porn addict with sexual issues, and absolute inability to empathize. He plays a good game, though, and is a great faker, pillar of the community, pastor, volunteer, etc. etc. - even had me fooled for most of the time we were married. "(He) was never available for real love in the first place" describes him perfectly.
I was pulled out of the hole by my Higher Power - after 44 years of marriage, AH abruptly "fell in love" with someone else, and we are now divorced. I felt like I spent 44 years walking down the same street and living in the same "hole.". I am so very, very grateful now that I have been freed. Neither an alcoholic nor a narcissist is capable of any real insight into their hurtful behavior. Accepting and detaching has not been easy, but the emotional and spiritual rewards have been beyond what I ever could have imagined.
My greatest grief now is my daughter. She is an adult with Downs Syndrome, and lives in her own apartment. She understands so much - to a point. Any Adult Child, especially a daughter, has to grapple with issues relating to a divorce. She feels, rightfully, that she has lost her father. He tries to spend time with her, but his emotional unavailability is way too obvious to her. I pray that he is able, somehow, to overcome her sense of abandonment but I fear that's a lost cause. I know that I am helpless in this situation, but Fathers' Day is causing her so much pain. I've suggested she go to a meeting with me, but since he is a closet drinker, it is not clear to her why a meeting would help, and she wants to guard against opening up her well of tears.
Let Go and Let God....I used to hate the slogans, but boy, do I ever hang on to them now!
Thanks, Tampa, for giving me the opening to share my fear and pain.
I am sorry for your situation as well. At least we are free. My qualifier is a CCRN at a Level 1 trauma center hospital and HIGHLY REGARDED! They know he has an issue, but he does so well with his job they keep him "safe." Utterly insane.
Good that your daughter lives on her own. She will come around in her own time. We know this.. my daughter too will. She has abandonment issues with her "donor" as she calls him. My qualifier is NOT her father, thank goodness. That one ended 25 years ago.
I really loved the story. I seem to hover in Chapter III right now I have awareness. I would love to move on to the next chapter, and just walk around the damn hole!
I will get there.
So will you.
Hugs,
Cyndi
__________________
"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Welcome back Tampa - great, great share.......so glad that you're moving as you see fit for your needs! Keep coming back!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have awareness. I would love to move on to the next chapter, and just walk around the damn hole!