The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We were doing a group inventory when a not SO new member admitted she gossips outside of meetings. We were shocked. No one really said anything in the meeting to her.
Later I discussed with her and she saw nothing wrong with it "because everyone does it"! Went over anonymity, confidentiality, etc but she maintains it is human nature to talk about others and got defensive that I said something to her. "Where she came from... no one keeps secrets and everyone knows everyone's business". I tried to explain anonymity clause and how this admission may affect others in the group re. sharing personal info at meetings and the group as a whole to the point of putting someone in a dangerous situation. She says she never spreads anything malicious and then said since I was so sensitive about it, she would not gossip about me or to me. What about the 12 traditions? I spoke about everything I could think of.
She said she was 'just being honest' and that no one else admitted it but she knows they do it. I gave her an hours worth of examples and information but her final word was that she didn't know if she would be back b/c she keeps NO secrets and knows others talk about other members anyway. What next fellow members?
Welcome to this board. An oldtimer at one of my meetings recently stated that she repeated things she hears at the meetings but was quick to say she doesn't attach anyone's name to what she repeats. Maybe we need to say as they say in AA meetings "who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here." Like you I was really surprised particularly because of her many years in program. Everyone has their own way of working the program I suppose. I like her very much but have been cautious not to personalize my sharings in this meeting. I'm grateful she told this about herself.
I hope you have options of other Alanon meetings near you and a good sponsor to share with. I am able to attend other Alanon meetings where I feel safer to share openly. Our program is one of self focus so I limit my in person sharing to myself. If gossiped about, other people don't need to be mentioned. I tend to leave more personal details to be shared with my sponsor and a few others who I trust in the program.
In my humble opinion, it's a waste of time trying to help her to see the Alanon way, she's going to continue until she feels the behavior no longer serves her. Maybe there are more people like yourself in the meeting who don't want to receive gossip from her.
To help maintain the health of your Alanon group, suggesting Gossip as a meeting topic might add some additional perspective through members shares for this woman to hear.
Thanks for sharing. Keep coming back. ((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi Dianah Welcome -- As a reading in the C2C states we ask that people adhere to principles that are not" enforceable".
Being powerless over others comes to mind here. I know I share all my deeply personal issues one on one wth a sponsor or a trusted member. I only share my ESH at a meeting.
keep coming back here
Repeating what we hear is only a problem when it busts anonymity. I would never be able to carry the message (step 12) if I didnt repeat some of the slogans and helpful ideas I hward at meetings.
