The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have attended my first Al-anon meeting, I have been reading non stop all the materials given to me, anything I can find on the Internet and reading my bible. So far, it has helped immensely. I feel not so overwhelmed, depressed, lonely, etc. However, tonight I am struggling. One of me and my AH's biggest problems (other than the drinking) is that I believe he is having an emotional affair with his ex. He says I'm insecure and she is a really good friend (They dated when he was 19-He's now 46). She came back into the picture about a year ago. They text and send private messages all the time. She comes to every place he DJ's at. So tonight he starts getting ready and I am just so sick to my stomach and anxious that he is going out drinking with her. Or other women. He has become quite the womanizer since he started DJ'ing in this bar. Now he has blocked me from his Facebook page. And tonight I logged in under a different name and saw him flirting with all kinds of women. This is so not him!! I don't even know this person. Less than a year ago, there was so much trust. We were both open about EVERYTHING! It is so sad that it's all going down the tubes! I just had to vent tonight. I will go and try to keep myself busy reading so I won't think about it all night.
I have been in the exact same situation and I know the anxiety. It is a really difficult situation to be in and I remember thinking that I just needed to show the right kind of love, that there was something that I wasn't doing and if only I could put my finger in it then everything would be alright. That kept things exactly the same for about three years!!
It is great that you are diving into Al-anon materials and meetings.
Realistically, my husband was pushing me away, he perceived me as the bad guy. And why wouldn't he? I didn't want him to drink or screw around - what a party pooper I must have seemed to someone who's judgement was so impaired!!! He would not see the train wreak coming his way. One day I took the excuse of alcoholism out of the equation and asked myself how I would be reacting if alcohol was not in the picture. The person whose respect I most needed was my own, and it took me a long time to realise that.
I don't really know the right answer for you, partly because I made so many mistakes myself. It helped me when I accepted that he was going to do whatever he was going to do and instead asked myself what I was going to do. I listened to my body, took up yoga and meditation to quiet my mind. And then I started gifting myself with holidays, other interests, time with friends etc. I took ownership of my reactions to my husband's behaviour (which wasn't easy!) but it did make it a lot easier when it came time for me to tell him that I was loosing trust and respect in him and that I could not put up with his actions.
dlove Keep on keeping on. Use your tools and keep attending meetings. .Remembering that we are powerless over others helps to transfer our focus to ourselves . This restores our self esteem and self worth and we can then make healthy decisions for our lives.
Remember alanon suggests that we make no major changes for the first 6 months in program-- This is so we can develop healthy tool to live by . Keep coming back.
