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Post Info TOPIC: Fear


Senior Member

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Posts: 290
Date:
Fear


I have been attending face to face meetings and it has been helping me a lot. The last few weeks have been a nightmare. The alcoholic BF has been abusive beyond belief toward me. He is drinking beyond belief, daily- 4 cases of beer and coolers a day and his anger has been out of control. I have been trying to stay away as much as possible and save my sanity. I have walked away from him and just left him to drink on his own. I have attended AA meetings as well. Last Saterday, I came back to the house after leaving for 4 days. He was a complete mess, shaking and falling apart. He swore he was done and would attend detox. Instead, we went to a AA meeting together Sunday night and just listened. Monday, he started drinking again, non-stop 24 hours a day till yesterday. Tuesday morning he woke me up at 6 am, while I was still sleeping in bed and started yelling, screaming at me to get out of his bed, his house and called me every dirty name you can imagine, threatening to smash my TV and alll my stereo equipment. I dismantled the stereo equipment and took the TV in the room and I had a tape recorder and began recording his anger outbursts at me. When he realized I was recording his outburst, he physically attacked me. He threw me on the couch and grabbed my arms and hair as he tried to get the tape recorder away from me. He finally grabbed the tape recorder and went outside with it to destroy it. I was so scared, I called 911 and he followed me into the spare room where I was talking to 911. They heard him yelling at me. He went outside finally and the police finally arrived. They had a talk with him as he went into the garage to hide. What they said to him is another incident of police calls and he will be in handcuffs and removed I am sure they said other things as well. I spoke to another police officer and told him what had happened and showed him the bruise on my forearm from his grabbing me. I was advised by the police that I need to leave the house since I am sober and he is not. I grabbed two bags of things (thank god I kept an emergency bag in the car) and left. I went to a hotel room for 2 days and nights and went to al-anon meetings.

Yesterday I came home, he was hung over as can be and remorseful for his actions. He was shaking from withdrawals. I encouraged him to contact another AA member and he made the call and talked with him. He stayed sober yesterday all day and night. We went for a walk to the river and read the bible and he was chatting with people that were out walking as well. It was great to see that. I went to another face to face al-anon meeting last night and that helped me. This morning, I read al-anon literature and doing my best to stay out of his way. He has been sleeping all night and all morning now.

I have been looking for an apartment and had an appointment yesterday afternoon to look at a suite and he said for me to cancel it and stay at the house. He heard me cancel the appointment and knows that I am serious about moving out. I am sure his scared that I will leave him for good.

Another issue has been his ex-wife, Donna. She continues to talk to him and talks to him about them reuniting their relationship. She had made plans with him about going out and camping this weekend with her. He talks to her daily when he is using, as he has no-one else. He has said to me while drunk, I am dating my ex-wife now and you need to leave and I am getting back with her. I had a conversation with her, a three way conversation the other day him, me and her on speaker phone while he was still drunk and she said he needs help and that she left him and divorced him because of his alcoholism and womanizing. She also said, he will stop drinking only when he is ready and no sooner. She said your relationship is dysfunctional and told me if your not happy to leave. He says, she wants to get together again and for them to try again. I have been trying to not engage with her and him and the drama of their conversations. I am so done with it. Its a he and she said back and forth. I noticed that when he talks with Donna while drunk, he becomes very angry with me. He says he is trying to push me away. I am angry at Donna, she needs to stop all contact with him when he is drinking. He says, she wants to sober him up and take him back to church and resume a life together. He says, he is angry at her yet calls her at every opportunity he is drinking and talks about all the negative things I am saying and doing, and getting her to side with him, then he gets angry at me and takes the anger out on me.

 

When I ask what is he angry at and his response is THE WORLD, what ever that means. He says his angry at the world. He says look at all what is happening, disasters, earthquakes, ect..and he says he is angry at the world. How insane is that?     

I am feeling so confused. I do not trust anything he says and I feel so uncertain as to where things are going or not going. I am afraid to share my thoughts or feelings with him as he will use it against me when he is drinking. I am trying my best to focus on me and what I have to do to keep my sanity.

He is dying a slow painful death and he knows it. He was in recovery for 13 years prior. He has diarrhea constantly now and when he drinks, forget about eating. Its all about the drink. He has just finished a 4 day 24 hour drunk now and its day two of him being sober and he is sleeping. Its sad, his is either drunk or sleeping. Life is passing him by. I am angry and hurt still so bad. I did tell him yesterday, I do not trust him and I do not know if I can ever, and if I do, it will be awhile. 

I am trying so hard to focus on me and slowly I am getting stronger. I am reaching out and not sitting at home 24 hours a day with him. I am getting out of the house as much as I can. The isolation is so terrible. I hate this disease with a passion.

 

Thanks for letting me share..

 



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:

Joker, I am worried about you.  You were advised not to go back to the house without a police escort, and yet you went back and apparently tried to move back in and sleep there.  Despite the absolute certainty that he would become irrational and violent towards you.  I am reminded of the alcoholics who are told they will die if they continue drinking, and yet they go straight back to the liquor store.  Violence is happening now and death is not far behind.  I fear that warning you about that will be no more fruitful than warning the alcoholic about his drinking.  If the addiction were not stronger than the desire to keep on living, the addict would have kept clear of danger already.  What are you expecting from him that is more important than your life?

Sometimes we feel like children, as if we have no place to go but back to our abusive parents.  But we are adults now and we can be our own parents.

I have nothing to offer but prayers that you will find your way out of your addiction before you are killed.  You are worth it.  Daily meetings would be helpful if you are not yet attending.



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Senior Member

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Posts: 472
Date:

We arent supposed to give advice but having been in similar shoes, Leave, Dont keep coming back as it looks to him that he is winning and you are weakening. I get that there are probally tons of stuff of yours there and u cant just leave with a pr of jeans. I totally get that. Enlist relatives,friends,domestic violence and social places. battered women shelters,referals etc. See if u can file a restraining order against him. its a lot of paperwork but so worth the hassle. go top alanon meetings and reach out, others might have resources. saying prayers of strength to u. UI are stronger than u think
a

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ALYCE R KINIKIN


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 720
Date:

You need to think of you. Nothing can change until you change. Leave, be safe and get help. He is going to do what he is doing until he is ready for help.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

You are being cared about just as you are caring about the alcoholic with the same results..."If nothing changes...nothing changes"  "What comes around ...goes around and becomes the merry go round".  "Insanity is often describes as doing the same things over and over again expecting different results".  Suggestion...Read you post as if you were someone else and see what you think, see how you will feel about it.  What are you most afraid of?  Alcoholism is a fatal disease and that doesn't mean it will be your alcoholics.  Call for a safe house...ask the police where the safe houses are and then go. Ask your higher power for guidance and HP will lead you to SANITY when you follow thru.  Prayers from Hilo.    ((((hugs)))) disbelief



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a4l


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1396
Date:

Its in your own hands now. I don't know how many ways and times this man has to show and tell you he doesn't want you to be around him. Yet still you go back. That's beyond beleif to me, and yes I've been in similiar situations in terms of violence but I really can't relate with giving a damn about an abusers health crisis when my own is unfolding. I really think you need to get honest about yourself and your motivations for being there in his house.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:

Joker, I saw this article - 'Three Common Breakup Tactics of an Abusive Narcissist' - and it fit your situation to a T.  Hope it is okay to post this here.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/05/22/3-common-breakup-tactics-of-an-abusive-narcissist/

The article doesn't say what to do apart from taking the situation seriously - but taking the situation seriously is the first step.  Take care of yourself.



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a4l


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1396
Date:

Actually Joker I sincerely apologise for my earlier comment. You are obviously in distress and need support not judgement. I really don't think though that alanon relating principals can protect you from someone who has no self control and thinks he has a right to physically hurt you. The law can be made to help you. You have a sister and housing options. I'm going to bow out now, I really hope you find the courage to change what you can and the serenity to accept what you can't. I apologise again if I Caused you further distress earlier. Edna.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

Remember it isn't the man that is in control of his thoughts, feelings and behaviors ...it is the booze.  Alcoholics are not bad people they are very sick people who do horrible things while under the influence of alcohol which is always.  Judging a disease isn't appropriate...we learn compassion, empathy and tolerance while also learning how at the same time treating ourselves the same way....protect yourself and care for yourself as you do others.   (((hugs))) smile



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