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Post Info TOPIC: Help with functioning alcoholic


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:
Help with functioning alcoholic


Hi, just neede a bit of support.  I've been married for 21 years, together for 28.  My husband is what I understand to be a functioning alcoholic - company director, big salary, popular nice guy. Lovely home, two grown up kids.  We both drank socially for a number of years when we met but in later years didn't go out as much.  In the last few years my husband has started hiding alcohol around the house and outside, in the car, coming home drunk from business trips.  I was at one point deciding how many beers he could have per weeknight (2) and weekends (4) but clearly this wasn't enough so he drank behind my back.  I waited til he was sober to confront him but got aggression and he actually said 'what am I doing wrong - I'm just having a drink in my own house'. I avoided social events as any event was an excuse for a drink - a neighbour popping round at weekend was 'do you want a beer ' and the start of a Saturday or Sunday drinking, with me being the miserable party pooper. We split up 7 weeks ago, he's living on his own 'supposedly temporarily' in a rented flat.  He will admit to me that 'he drinks too much' but says to everyone else, family and mutual friends, that he doesn't have a drink problem, it's all in my head.  I've made it clear to hi, via counselling, that he can't come back until he seeks outside help.  He is trying to make the problem mine in relationship counc=selling, saying 'she doesn't trust or respect me, that's what makes me drink'. The counsellor can clearly see the problem is his and is trying to get him to take personal responsibility. He is such a lovely, caring man when not drinking.  i feel alone and isolated because other people don't see the drinker.  I'm so sad because it appears he's chosen alcohol over me,  he said to the counsellor this week that he is 'devastated' that were not together but can't see that his drinking is the reason I'm so angry and have lost respect.  Today he has emailed and said he's waiting to see a doctor.  How long do I give him before I give up on Ho=I'm? I feel like I've wasted years of my life trying to help him through depression and now this?



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1020
Date:

Hello Teddybear and welcome

I'm not sure from what you said whether you attend AlAnon meetings, so I will tell you about my own experience.

I well remember living what you are going through. I was the wet blanket. I tried limiting his intake. I was the bad guy.
Finally I began attending AlAnon meetings in person. It was there I learned the 3 Cs: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
Attending meetings slowly dissolved my isolation. My situation was far from unique. I found people who seemed not like me, but our experiences were so similar and of course, they turned out to be just like me. That isolation is gone for good.

My sense is that whatever I do or don't do has no effect on his recovery. That is his business. Knowing that, I am free to behave as I see fit. The consequences are his.

I find it useful to read the posts in this website. There are links at the top of the home page to speakers, and the search function is very useful. That reminds me to let you know at meetings you will find helpful AlAnon literature available for purchase. I use the daily readers, the "Just for Today" bookmark and whatever slogans I can add to my list.

There is hope. You can't do it wrong. His path is his. Now what do you want yours to be?

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Welcome Teddybear Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here you will connect with like minded people and will receive new constructive tools to live by. Please keep coming back heres as well. There is hope .

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 111
Date:

I tried for 20 years to get my ex husband to stop drinking. Despite my best efforts to 'control' his habit, at the time we split up, he was drinking 95 beers a week. What had started seemingly as social drinking in the younger years had escalated to that point - and clearly not only was *I* powerless over his disease, but he was as well.

I got to Al-Anon and learned to focus on myself. I learned that I needed to focus on my own behaviors, thoughts and reactions, and leave him to his own reocvery, or, non-recovery as it were. While this eventually led to our divorce - here I am 7 years later, happier and more content in life than I ever would have imagined back in those days of watching him consume so much alcohol. He still drinks now but I am so detached from his life and disease. I have this program to guide me in every aspect of my life, and also this program has led me to acceptance of his problem as a true disease, for which I have genuine compassion for.

Please find a face to face meeting and join us here as well - you will see that many of us are just like you and you will draw upon the experience, strength and hope of all.

Hugs,
Cyndi

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"There will be an answer.  Let it be." ~ The Beatles



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 8
Date:

I am in the same shoes as you and have just started the whole process. No one knows about my functioning alcoholic either. I have just started reading - The Dance of Anger and it is very interesting and a tool to learn from. I will be here going along the same path with you in the process. You are not alone. My husband and I have been married for 23 years.

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J.S.M.
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