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Post Info TOPIC: Finding myself again is harder than I thought...


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Finding myself again is harder than I thought...


After 12 yrs of accepting, enabling and tolerating my husband's addiction, I have finally removed him from my life... We have 2 kids so I'm trying to figure out the coparenting aspect. He's moved on to other women. I spent many nights praying for this, as I felt this was my only way to escape the "prison." We split up in Nov and I stopped allowing him around me in March. I'm OK with this as I know we can not help those who do not want to be helped, but being left in the same imprisoned state seems harder than I thought. He's gone, not holding me captive any longer, yet I am still imprisoned? How can I help myself learn to love, forgive and find myself again? What is the first step? I guess I should say second step because I finally made it here and able to post... I've had an account for a very long time! I feel like the hot air balloon filled with the pain and misery floated off but dropped the basket on me 1/2 way on its way off. How do I empty that basket and refill it with happiness, self love and life? I haven't been out besides work unless it was to a food store... My children are my world (11 and 6) and I hate this pain for them. However, I do know the previous option was more damaging! Sorry to be all over in this post, I'm just beginning this process...hmm



-- Edited by NLiteNme on Thursday 19th of May 2016 09:43:57 AM

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((Hugs))

The first step is actually 'I am powerless over others, and my life has become unmanageable.' This step is really about Awareness, and Acceptance - of where we are *today*. We start from where we are, and we are OKAY wherever that is. We are living, breathing and functioning in some way. For me, once I accepted the 'new' state of my life, accepted that it was hard but I have this wonderful program to help guide me to each next indicated step - then I could start taking Action. I let go of what 'he' was doing or not doing. That had nothing to do with 'me'.

Attend face to face meetings, read the literature daily, several times per day if needed. For me 'Just For Today' was the perfect slogan - sometimes it was hour by hour, and all I needed to do was get past THIS day, and then get up and do it again. Suddenly things get easier, life got happier. I am now 6 years out from my 20 year marriage, and I would say it took me a good 2-3 years to really get fully grounded . It takes time and patience - and this program.

If I knew then how wonderful life was going to turn out to be, I would have not spent as much time in so much angst and worry over my discomfort. Discomfort passes. Feelings pass. I learned to be comfortable with being uncomfortable then, because I knew it wasn't permanent.

My kids are thriving as young adults now. I am confident I made the right choice for my family. I share my experience because I want to share some hope with you. You WILL be ok. Keep coming back!

Cyndi

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"There will be an answer.  Let it be." ~ The Beatles



~*Service Worker*~

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After I left my ex-AH after 15 years I was a sad miserable heap, but I started taking walks with my dog and enjoying just breathing in freedom again. Once the dust settled I started going to 2 al-anon meetings a week and meeting with my sponsor once a week. I dove into finding hobbies for myself and ways to keep myself busy. I read a lot of books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and really anything that helped me to grow through my cycles that lead me to where I was. It took me a lot of time to discover myself, but it felt so great and was a very exciting time in my life. I got myself signed up for classes and bettered myself from the inside out. I am still a work in progress and life keeps getting better! You are on your way, dig in and keep your head up.

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



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Thank you SO much! I will absolutely listen to what you have said! You have given me hope! I will keep coming back, and when I feel discouraged in my today- I will read your response! Every word is what I needed to hear... Tha k you! I do know it works if you work it and that is exactly what I will strive to do! Thank you for sharing!!!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome NliteNme I am glad that you reached out with such an appropriate topic. I can so identify as I too lost myself in the anxiety, anger resentments caused by living with the pain and insanity of the disease of alcoholism. There is a reading in one of our daily readers that addresses this topic. It suggest that we can answer appropriate questions regarding all our family but because we have lost contact with ourselves we cannot answer simple questions about likes etc. This is because we have lost touch with ourselves due to living in the insanity of alcoholism.

Good News you are not alone Alanon is the recovery program established by the wife of the founder of AA. She noticed that she too had lost herself in the process of living with the disease and set about establishing a program for family members to help us to re-learn to focus on ourselves, live in the present and so restore our self esteem and self worth.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. I urge you to attend. It is here I learned to connect with like minded people, who understood as few others can and by breaking the isolation I also learned how to stop reacting and to respond differently Living one day at time, focused on myself while making an asset and gratitude list worked . The 12 Steps then helped me to let go of the anger and resentment and rediscover a trust in a God of my understanding
Please search out meetings and keep coming back here as well. There is hope

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Thank you so much! I will look for those books, as I do love to read! smile



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Thank you Betty! I truly appreciate the time you took to respond and I will attend meetings as soon as I recover from my ankle surgery I am having this Monday! In the meantime I will seek online meetings and keep coming back here! I already feel a spark of hope I haven't felt in years! The key for me today is in my reaction and response... You are so very right! Thank you for sharing and inspiring me!



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NLiteNme, hugs to you! I'm glad you came in and posted.

I will be praying for you with your ankle surgery and recovery. What has helped me is to remember, "I didn't cause it. I can't change it. I cant control it". It's something that I have to remember constantly. I completely understand how you want to be the very best you can be for your children. You made a very brave first step by removing yourself from the situation. What a great time to find yourself again, as you recover from your surgery. Focus on you!

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Life is short, so make it beautiful and sweet.



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Thank you Sweetness34! It is just that... I am struggling with the inability to fix it... The inability to make him want it for him as much as I did/do. I will focus on me... Not any easy task as I have put my children and the whole world before me, as all moms and teachers do. I am truly grateful for your prayers! I never thought I would get this far- I know now I have a long way to go but I will focus on today, for today. I will focus on me- oh boy! That's soooo new for me! Again, thank  you!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Greetings NLite,

How wonderful that you can channel your caring nature in constructive ways and as you say, now you get to focus on yourself as well. I was amazed at how quickly my giving cup was restored to positive energy when I started to make 'fuel stops' and learnt to re-charge myself. Life can be fun!

I love your visualisation of the hot air balloon - it reminds me of what I did with my grief and sadness - I tied it to a balloon and let it soar away. Perhaps I should now try seeing a new balloon coming towards me in the sun rise, glowing with good things like peace and serenity. Oh, it looks so pretty! Thank for that gift NLite - good to have you with us!

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~*Service Worker*~

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I did the balloon trick when i was in limbo land misery
And i could not cope well. It did work well when you are in
Bed put all your troubles in the balloon and let it float
Away. Get in really deep after saying the serenity Prayer
over and over.

Big hugs

((((( NLite )))))

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to the board MJ...You have the right intentions for yourself and are willing to follow thru on the ESH and suggestions of those who came before you...this is what I did and why I am still alive. I am in support.   (((hugs)))  smile



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Thank you Milkwood, Mirandac and Jerry! Your words of wisdom will become my source of strength! All of you have given me hope! This entire board! I will absolutely rethink my hot air balloon and reverse my thought process about it! Before going to bed is a great idea too! Thank you! Also, thank you for accepting me so easily and taking time out of your lives to help me... I'm beginning to see how through all of this, it helps all of us. Had I realized that, I probably would of posted years ago! I'm here now, and I'm very glad that I am!



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~*Service Worker*~

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You do not sound "all over" to me at all. It does sound like being with a needy messy drunk for so long has made it such that you having to sit with your own feeling and figure your own truths out is a challenge. You are used to focusing on him and his enormous in your face problems I bet. Probably so much that even paying attentuon to your own needs at all seems selfish dramatic and/or weird.

Be kind to yourself. Stay connected to alanon and have faith in your HP and that time will heal some of these wounds. This is all still very fresh...2 months after a 12 year marriage with 2 kids. Cut yourself some slack...

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Thank you Pinkchip! U hit the nail on the head! That's for sure! I have absolutely no idea how to be kind to myself! I have faith that I will learn... It is such a different world when you realize just how lost you have become! I took care of everyone and forgot about me... Why is that okay that everyone else is important enough but I'm not? So strange to come to terms with the fact that I became comfortable in that role... I'm looking at myself now and am realizing I love to help and care for others and that is OK... But not caring and loving myself first is not! Well for today and just for today (and I will say this again tomorow) I will learn to love myself and take care of me! Wow... Feels both strange and good and the same time! Thank you Pinkchip!

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~*Service Worker*~

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You are welcome. It is challenging and scary at times but well worth the effort!

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I am starting to see and feel that way Pinkchip! Im taking the suggestions and taking it one day at a time! Thanks again!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs NLN,

Welcome to the board, it really does get better one day at a time. It's not an easy process.

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



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Thank u SerenityRUS!

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I think when you said you 'really became comfortable with that role" as a wife of an alcoholic.  It is really common.  Your past relationship gave you walls and boundaries imposed by alcoholism.  But now that your free, making your own way with out walls is a bit rough at first.  Just know that you are not alone in feeling this way.  It is a huge transition that doesn't happen over night.  But take things one day at a time, be kind to your self and just know that we are all behind you. 

Keep coming back!



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Thank you Rinn so much! I will take one day at a time and keep coming back... Just reading all of the responses has impacted me n my life immensely already! I'm looking forward to working program though I know there will b some struggles... Somehow it seems OK because I can talk to people who have been there and are there. The not being alone part and knowing that there's others who understand and know brings me such comfort, yet saddens me so much that this disease has and continues to effect so many lives in so many ways. I will keep coming back.... Thank you



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~*Service Worker*~

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My daughter made this analogy - it is like having a bottle of toxic waste in a pond, you can remove the bottle of waste but it takes time for the remnants of the toxicity to work itself out of the pond water. Time, time and more time. I was humpty-dumpty at the bottom of the wall and I plodded along pretending I had everything handled until finally, I did. I occasionally had to look back at the beginning of my journey to remind myself where I had been and how far I had come. Just keep swimming!

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France


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I absolutely love that analogy! Thank you so much likemyheart! I will keep on swimming!!!!!!!!!!



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Oh, I can so relate to this.  My first husband is an A.  I then remarried before I found my own recovery.  Needless to say, I now find myself in a second unhealthy marriage.  I have spent most of my adult life thus far focused on a man and his addictions.  When I wasn't dealing with the alcohol and all the lovely side perks that go along with that, I enmeshed myself in motherhood.  This did wonders for fueling my codependency.  I lost myself.  I was either an angry, hurt, bitter, sad, resentful wife - or a version of Super Mom.  I was utterly defined by my role as wife or mother.

My kids are in their twenties now and don't need me the same way.  I used to fill up my days - escape - by being their mom and busying myself doing mom stuff.  I don't have that anymore.  Being a mom to a young adult is very different from being a mom to a child.

And my marriage has become an in-house separation.  After so many years of neglect, my heart just stopped loving and I just stopped trying.  I was trying to do his job, not mine, so it was never going to work anyways.  So I quit.

Now I find myself with a lot of time on my hands.  Being a mom took up a lot of my life.  And being a full time "mother" to my husband sucked up the rest of my time.  I am sad that I lost so many years, but I'm still young enough to fix this.  The problem is that I feel like I'm a stranger.  I feel very detached from myself.  I go through motions without being mindful of anything that I'm doing.  I feel empty inside.

I'm in a new place now, with just myself, and we have a lot of catching up to do.  :) This program is about putting the focus back on myself, and that's what's going to save me.  I'm taking the time to find recovery so I can find a life.  I want one.  I really, really want one.

 

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Being Still, you sound like you are
In a good place and have great awareness.


Hugs

(((((( Being Still ))))


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Beingstill- that sounded like u were in my head n heart! I especially loved the "I felt like I was doing his job not mine." I get that! U do sound like ur in a good place n have great awareness! Mirandac U r so awesome! Keep coming back beingstill- one day at a time! {{{{Hugs}}}



-- Edited by NLiteNme on Tuesday 24th of May 2016 08:41:04 PM

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