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Post Info TOPIC: I just cant.


Member

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Posts: 9
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I just cant.


This feeling of wanting to run to my son and 'fix' it is so overwhelming! I'm in a different state and I've just found out that he's probably using again. I feel so helpless and I understand that I AM helpless...I just don't know how to deal with this overwhelming PAIN and FRUSTRATION!!! I've been praying all morning and, to be honest, I just feel betrayed by my faith that everything will work out as it should. I feel almost as if my survival is dependent on his. I'm so afraid that he'll die from this disease and I will not survive that. I feel like noone really understands, although logically I know that my situation is nothing special. God help me, I just can't do this! I can't be strong every freaking day! For Gods sake, My only son may be out there killing himself and I'm worried about MY SERENITY?!! WTF kind of mother am I?!! I can't stop crying and I feel like I'm falling apart! What can I do to stop this? Please help me someone! I went to a F2F meeting this morning...only my second...and left more upset than when I came in. I'm on my way to see my therapist right now because I truly feel like I'm losing it. Any words of wisdom that might clear my mind would be so SO appreciated. I just don't know how long I can do this....

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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EZ You are not alone. I have been in the same situation as you describe and can so identfy with the pain and anxiety. I was praying for my son's recovery and angry because it was obvious that "MY WILL was not to be.

My sponsor reminded me that the 11th Step suggests that we pray for God's will and the power to carry it out. I did that and prayed for the courage and wisdom I needed to walk this path.

I was given the power to carry out HP's will and although it was not my will, I was able to be supportive of my son while he traveled this difficult road. I have been also been able to grieve his loss to this disease in a constructive manner .
I continue to be grateful for the healthy years , the successful life he built and that I was able to be with him at the end.


Please keep coming back



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Member

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Posts: 9
Date:

Betty, Thank you for taking the time to answer. It means more than you can imagine. Thank you for sharing your strength. I will and do continue to pray. I'm just starting this program so I don't have all the 'tools' that I hear talked about...I pray that I can find them soon. I'm sorry for the pain that you've been through...I can only imagine...May God continue to bless you with strength and serenity.



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Member

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Posts: 11
Date:

I am so sorry you are going through this. Iha a 17 year old daughter that has not come home for 4 nights. Last night my husband went to puck her up and he said something that set her off and she Iinsisted that he drop her off. I haven't heard anything since. Worrying is keeping me from living my life. As mothers we are torn between rescuing and letting go. It causes immense pain and frustration as you say. Mother's protect their kids. It hurts deeply but in order to let them live their path we have to let go. My daughter has problems besides alcohol abuse and the unknown is causing such a sadness and anxiety it's almost unbearable. My husband and I are at each other's throats because of it. Anyway hugs to you and know you are not alone in you feelings. Watching someone you love slowly kill themself is probably the worst torture a mom could bear. There is this beautiful thing called hope. Keep having hope and don't give up having faith. So so hard. Crying is ok in my opinion. It releases bad chemicals too.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1152
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So sorry for your pain. Sometimes when you pray and pray and pray it just keeps your concentration on your problems. Maybe it would be good to get out and do something, something tough to do. Something you really have to concentrate on to get it done. Something to take your mind off your pain.

I was told, "what would you be doing right now if it was a normal day in your life? Then, go out and do that." Don't think about your misery.

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maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5075
Date:

Your post has been my post many times before Alanon. I had to learn to Let go of the idea of my son belonging to me, a child that I was responsible for. Hes not, he is his own person, choosing or walking  his own, a different seperate path from mine. Who are we to say its the wrong path and we know better and so we are the ones to fix? We dont and cant.

The social norms around what a Mother are are very idealistic and place huge power and pressure on the role of the 'Mother' You are only one human being with the same resources at your fingertips as he has. We can all make the choice to make our life good or difficult. I chose difficult myself for many years because I needed to learn those lessons. Your son, my sons all the sons need to make their mistakes and we have no right to steal those lessons by fixing or controlling solely driven by our own fears that belong to us to deal with. 

Live and Let Live. Hes living his own way. Painful to watch but still his and not yours. For me Alanon put my thinking back on straight and my son has been doing much better, still drinking but is it truly my business? no. All I can do is love him for who he is right in this moment, not an idea of who I think he should be. 



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Member

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Posts: 9
Date:

Thank you, Strangeworld, Maryjane and El-cee, for taking the time to answer my post and for sharing your encouragement and wisdom. I'm feeling a little more together today. So much of this I 'know' on a concious level, it just hasn't reached my heart yet. Hence the need for Alanon and for wonderful people like you all. One day at a time has never meant more to me than it does lately. Thank you for helping me through my crisis and for helping me know that I'm not alone. That means more than I can tell you.

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Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:

EZ, I am right there with you.

You are NOT alone.  I grew up in a 12 step program with my mother from the age of 7.  I have 46ish years of knowing this program, until I found out my only son is using.  I was in denial, mad as hell..........reality set in and now I am reaching out for help.  Something that goes against every grain of me....asking for help.  (it has been a week today since I found out, he has kept this hidden for 4 or 5 years.  We live in different states, he is grown... 32)

I read the 3C's and repeat them all day long:

I did not Cause this...

I can't Control this...

I can't Cure this....

I have found out that I have to take care of me.  He made his own decisions and there is nothing at all I can do.  It is hard, the hardest thing I have been through in my life. I am his mother and a fixer, but I am powerless over this situation.

I am praying and reading all I can of how others are working on themselves and trying to work on me.

I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable.  I am praying, and praying and praying.

I have found when I get too obsessed on how to fix him (which is all I did the first couple of days) , I hum......I can not hum and think at the same time.

Hugs to you......you are NOT alone.

~Catherine

 



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Veteran Member

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Posts: 32
Date:

You are not alone. I completely know exactly how you feel. I too have an addict son. I Was blessed to have found this program about 2 years ago. It is truly saving my life. Dealing with an addict takes minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day working of this program. Keep going to meetings and reaching out. I promise you will learn tools to help you deal with it and love your son and yourself in spite of the disease. If he had a sickness like diabetes for instance, would you feel this way. you will come to learn that his disease is no different than A disease like that. The symptoms are different but they are all diseases that you did not cause, cannot cure or control. The person afflicted has to do that. Th chat room on this site has been very helpful to me. Keep coming back!

 

 

 

 

 



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Member

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Posts: 9
Date:

Catherine and Sally, I appreciate the kindness you've shown by reaching out and sharing your experience and encouragement. It does help to know that I'm not alone and I believe that I will adopt the three C's as my new mantra. :) I do know this is a disease. My heart is working on accepting it as a fact. It's the disease that killed my sons father, so you can imagine my terror and fear for him. As has been said though, only he can help himself, as hard as that is to accept. I am a work in progress and Alanon is, and will continue to be, my workshop. Thank you all for being here and being willing to reach out.

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