The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My BF and I haven\t really been together all that long...a little over a year. He was a highly functioning alcoholic since the beginning of our relationship and when I finally decided to leave because of it, he promised to go to AA and get counselling etc... I wasn't sure what to make of all of these promises. I felt like I didn't really know him and I was already fed up of the shoddy way he would treat me while drunk.
I stayed and probably not for the best of reasons (guilty to walk out at Christmas etc...) but I put my conditions out there. He has to go to AA and counselling for at the MINIMUM of a year. And if he ever so much as sipped a drink, I'd leave.
That was back in January. He's been going to AA once a week with no issues but he is slacking on the counselling - going every second week or down to once a month. I have mentioned that maybe he needs a new counsellor but he's done nothing. This is what I was afraid of - that after a few months things would degrade. I think it's important to deal with one's issues while going to AA and he doesn't seem to be doing that.
At the same time, he has started talking in "baby talk" a lot (??!). Putting a high-pitched voice to everything he says. It's nothing "new" really but he used to be drunk half the time. I find it irritating. I can't figure out if he is reducing himself to a child, or reducing me to a child. It seems like just another way to not have to relate to me as an adult (whereas before he would drink so he wouldn't have to relate to me).
I want to talk to him about it but it feels a little wrong - as though I am always picking on him and trying to get him to change who he is. I can't shake the feeling that the increase baby talk and the skipping of counselling are related. He also has stopped talking intimately to me. For example, his daughter stopped talking to him for months and then reconciled a few weeks ago. He really didn't tell me much about it. He's warm and caring and loving but these little things worry me. My warning flags are all up and I am not exactly sure why...except to say that I am extremely attuned to these things (therapy of my own)!
My therapist was always encouraging me to "talk it out" when issues came up. So many issues were coming up that it seemed we were talking it out all the time. Which made him aggravated and didn't actually seem to improve things. I finally figured out that "talk it out" is a good strategy for when you have an established, basically solid relationship. When you're still in the assessing stage, "talking it out" often ends with the person saying "Yeah, sure, I'll work on it," and then not, and it just delays things. Now I think more "When a person shows you who they are, believe them." It sounds like this guy has some red flags (not really that dedicated to working on his recovery) and also some just plain irritating habits. Not that he should necessarily stop them - just that they're not a good fit for who you are and what you want. So that's something to think about.
Hi. I can understand how you feel and your boundaries sound good but he is a grown man and seems to behaving likebhes the child and your his mum. Doesn't make for much of a relationship. If hes sober and going to aa then maybe that's enough for him. Why insist on more? What is it within you that feels the need to monitor and control? Knowing what I know about alcoholism, the first sign of the drinking in a new partner and at that point I know enough. This is a long airs road that often never gets sorted. Why put yourself through that? Getting too the bottom of your thinking and choices are probably much more useful to you than anything he's doing or not .
Your abf is responsible for Himself and his own recovery.
Going to AA talking To his sponsor working the steps,
getting emotionally Sober then hopefully spiritually sober.
This is his recovery journey
You only have control over yourself and your own recovery.
It is highly recommended when one goes to AA the other
Goes to alanon. It is not a joint recovery, you each have
Your own higher power.
In alanon there are many tools to learn to help you cope and
Also it can Heal you from the inside out. This is a hard journey
many Of us come from alcoholism and/or the dysfunction and
then We marry into it
Are you dealing with your issues? Why do you want a man with conditions on him that you strongly doubt he will live up to? Why be this early in in a relationship, questioning if you relate at all as adults, not trusting, and your question is about him avoiding HIS issues? What about you deserving a man you adore and who you are inspired by and have no desire to change or have to get to promise to be different or work on himself just to tolerate? What about a guy that works on himself and has his stuff together already? No fixer uppers became my motto after years of playing therapist to my intimate partners.
Thanks pc that bought frozen alive for me. So he's a bit of fixer upper, doo be doo be doo.
Being still legally married to my last fixer upper, I can relate to this post. I had done counselling , alanon based, acoa specific therapy even and felt like I had my stuff together. I felt like I had validation and confidence and could direct my own life including my fixer upper. The difficulty is, people aren't extensions of our will and our vision for them even if that vision is a good one. Then add active alcoholism to the mix and all that good thinking one learns starts to unravel. Its impossible to have a mutual relationship with an alcoholic is my conclusion. Can't get bread from the hardware store. Hungry times at times down here in australia. Boy oh boy. Keep coming back.
Just agreeing with what everyone said here......I have been dating my bf (not an alcoholic fyi) for 14 months now and I am still in awe of who he is a a father, a provider, an active participant in his community, and as a man who treats me with respect and love and caring. Neither of us is perfect but we accept each other and it's a very different place for me to be than when I was married to my alcoholic husband. One thing I've learned through working my Al Anon program over the years is that I can change NOBODY but myself. So, I had to ask myself often, "If this relationship continues forward, can I accept this man AS HE IS TODAY?" If I can't then I would need to re-evaluate and probably move on.
There are so many great single men out there. I'm in my 40s and I meet men all the time who are worthy of a good woman. They don't have addictions, they are mature, and they know how to treat women properly. Those are just a few of the basic foundations for making it work with a partner. There are so many other things that can drive couples apart in the first year of dating especially as we get older: parenting styles, differences in values, aging parents, work demands, stress, scheduling issues, sexual differences, money management and spending issues, etc so why date someone who already has red flags? Dating and relationships are hard enough without throwing in the mess of addictions, maturity, personal responsibility, etc.
To me, it sounds like you are trying to nail jello to a tree or trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You can try and try and try but most likely, it will be just an act of frustration. I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, I lived with an addict for 20 years (married to him) and I won't go back to that again now that I have met and witnessed the goodness that is out there in men who have their crap together. If you don't share children together, it's much easier to make the decision to do what is best for you and to find your own happiness and serenity. Al Anon was a great source of hope for me and I do hope you find the right path for yourself. If you choose to stay with this man because you love him, Al Anon will give you the tools you need to manage that relationship while still taking care of YOU! Sending you lots of support today.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Alanon is a great program regardles of staying
With him or not. Most fix me upper cases are a
Codependency mind set.
Do whats in your best Interest to help yourself
get better thats what The aim is in alanon not fixing
the A that is not Our job as hard as it is.
I could not fix my ex or marriage and he was dry for
thirty years. His wounds are his not mine even though
He took them out on me. They do not belong to me.
I handed them back along with his recovery in AA,
i can only Pray for him and forgive him thats all i
can do. I can not fix him only myself.
Fixing Myself is a lot of hard soul searching work
And I am worth it !
I ended my 7 month relationship because his drinking habits and pot smoking were causing a lot of anxiety in me. I had lived with an alcoholic for 20 years - waiting for him to get sober, get help, go to a meeting... I did not want to live this again for the next 20 years. I was not staying true to myself, who I have become since my divorce, my values and principles. This man was bringing out the worst of me and I was slipping back and getting 'sicker'. He was someone I was dating, our value system didn't line up. I wasn't happy with him and didn't see it working for a longer term. So I broke up with him so I could meet people who are a better match for me.
When I stop being 'other focused', I can really tune in to what I want, what I seek, what is important to me. I want a mature, healthy and fun relationship with someone who can communicate well. This person will have no unhealthy compulsions or addictions. He will have his act together and take care of his business, and will not NEED 'me' to be on him helping him function in his day to day world.
I am a single woman dating, hoping to meet this person. I will no longer waste time or settle for less than what I seek, and what I KNOW is out there. For starters, I need to BE what I am seeking. Can *I* communicate well? Am *I* mature? Am *I* healthy with no compulsions or addictions? Do I know what *my* principles and values are?
Al-Anon helps me answer those questions and find ways to achieve the highest version of myself.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
