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Post Info TOPIC: Will I be able to do this???? How?!
rt


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Will I be able to do this???? How?!


Hello, everyone... I posted on here briefly over a year ago, and I guess I kind of stopped, because I went back into denial of my husband's drinking. 

A couple months after I last posted on here, he actually was involved in a drunk driving accident (no one else was involved, FYI), and he had to go to jail for a few weeks for his second offense DUI.  Unfortunately, despite evidence of having been drunk, he still denies that he was. 

Anyway, fast forward to now.  He wasn't drinking in front of me as much, but I'd come home many days from work (I work and he does not) and I knew he had been drinking during the day; he would either deny it altogether, or claim he only had one or two, which I knew was a lie.  And of course, I got to deal with the after effects of his drinking. Finally, when he was gone this last weekend, I decided to take a peek in a couple spots around the house that I suspected he might be hiding booze, and sure enough, I found a few hiding places for booze/empty bottles.  Why did I do it in the first place?  Easy -- because, unfortunately, his constant excuses and blaming things on me had somewhat of an affect on me, and made me question and doubt myself of the reality of the situation.  I had to validate myself. 

Of course, I knew it was going to be pointless to confront him about it, but I guess I felt that I needed to, for myself.  I knew that he was going to blame me for it, I knew that he was going to get angry with me for finding it and accuse me of "snooping".  But, I was somewhat surprised that he flat-out attempted to deny that he had hidden anything in the first place.  I don't know why it shocked me, it probably shouldn't have...but when I approached him about it he first acted stupid, "what are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about."  Then, "I wasn't hiding anything."   And when I protested that I saw it, and he can't deny what I saw... he said, "I was just putting it away."

I couldn't believe my ears.  Then, of course, after more talking, and more of me not buying into his excuses/lies, he did the whole expected routine of blaming it on me, "I hid it because you get mad about me drinking."

We've had other issues going on too, of course, and so I finally decided it was best for me to leave (again). 

But, I'm feeling a lot of anxiety, because even though I know that it will be the best thing for me to leave and move on with my life... I have tried to leave before and I have been unsuccessful because I love him and because I have had such a hard time in the past, getting past the initial stages of being away from him; I struggle to let myself feel sad, and I just want to make the sadness stop, so I always end up going back to him.  I recognize that I don't stop feeling sad when I go back, I feel even worse...but for some reason, I always end up thinking that I need to go back. 

I have tried to ask myself why I miss him when I leave, because I don't enjoy/miss being called names, witnessing him break things out of rage, being lied to, etc.  I'm guessing that it boils down to me missing the "idea" of what I wanted to happen upon getting married.  I'm guessing that a part of me still very naively clings to some false hope that things are going to change.  Rationally, I know that they likely will not change -- of course, not unless he makes the choice to do something about it, which he has shown no sign of that being a possibility so far. 

When I came on here in the past, I learned that I can only work on me.  And, that's why I feel that I need to leave...because whatever I have tried to do, while staying with him, has not been successful on my end.  I have not felt any better, and I have not been able to successfully, in essence "detach" or disengage myself from the situation.  It affects me no matter how hard I have tried to occupy my life with things that make me happy, etc.  I have buried myself in school, art, friends, etc. I have leaned on my friends/family for support.  I continue to see my counselor.  And despite all that, it just isn't working for me as long as I stay there, living with him, trying to have a marriage. I don't know how to avoid the arguments, the verbal attacks, etc. because he blocks me in a room if I try to leave.  My counselor has basically advised me to "not engage" but I very honestly do not even know how I would be capable of "not engaging" when he yells and rages at me until I do.   If I do get the opportunity to leave during one of those situations, I am bombarded with phone calls, and if I don't answer, then I hear -- not just in the moment, but forever afterward -- how I am being immature, not helping the marriage, etc.  Sure, it's really easy to say that I should just not let that affect me...but it does, and I don't really know how to change that.  I am rationally aware of the fact that it isn't my fault, and that he does/says these things to manipulate me...but that doesn't make me feel much better.  I have tried to lay ground rules/boundaries when we are NOT arguing, telling him, if you drink, I will need to leave and pause communication with you until you are sober, for example, but it's not like that has any affect.  He has no respect for my boundaries, and while I wish that I could just firmly stand by my boundaries and not let his arguments "you're the one walking away! you're the one throwing away our marriage!" etc. get to me... I cannot help the fact that it does get to me. 

Forgive me, because, I am sure that many of you have dealt with these things for longer than I have and probably think that I'm wrong -- that I have a choice to engage or not -- but I am very sincerely lost as to how I am supposed to refrain from engaging when I am cornered in a room and screamed relentlessly -- I am not kidding, that he will not stop for HOURS if I don't respond. 

Which is why I feel that my only option is to leave.  But my worry is whether or not I am strong enough to do what I need to do.  I know how pathetic that sounds.

 

So I guess, my questions -- or what I hope to get from this post is this:

-For those of you married to the alcoholic in your life -- for those of you who stay, HOW do you cope with manipulation when you attempt to set boundaries??  How do you successfully disengage despite being blocked into a room or yelled at and forced to respond to said individual???

-For those of you who were in a similar position as me, and HAVE left your alcoholic spouse, how did you get through the initial stages of sadness and missing the person? 

-Does anyone on here have a marriage success story?  Like -- your husband/wife went into recovery and you were able to actually save the marriage?  And if so, how were you ever able to begin to attempt to trust him/her again??

-Did any of your spouses have a previous substance abuse issue before the alcohol that they use to compare it to and justify that they don't have a problem with drinking?  (My husband had a past substance abuse issue, before I met him, with harder drugs, and always uses that as his reasoning that he doesn't have a problem with drinking, because "it's not like how it was with drugs")

-I am afraid to communicate with him, because I'm afraid that then I will end up back there again and not get myself out of the situation, but this just happened, we aren't divorced, I still have most of my belongings at home... I have our dogs with me right now, etc. so I feel like I am obligated to communicate with him, if he wants the dogs or wants to figure out how we are going to go about this... what should I do??? Should I tell him we need to wait for a while before we talk about these things?  I'm sorry, I know none of you can technically give me all the answers, but I am so lost and just desperately need, at least, some ideas to go off of. 

Any other points or things that any of you may have picked up on my post that you think would be beneficial to address in addition to my concluding comments/concerns/questions...feel free.  I'm open to anything and everything that might be useful....

 

Thank you so much, in advance, for anyone who reads this/response.

 

 

 



-- Edited by rt on Tuesday 17th of May 2016 10:13:40 AM



-- Edited by rt on Tuesday 17th of May 2016 10:20:17 AM

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First no one is judging you. No one can tell you what is best for your situation and everyone's situation is different. I too found it very hard to detach from my AH when he was active in his disease. I took every lie and denial he threw at me as a personal insult. Where did you just go for an hour when you were going down the street to pick up a paper? Was always searching for empty bottles, doing the sniff test when he walked by. I was seriously affected by his disease and thank god every day that I found this program. I can tell you my husband was a lot like yours with the denial and the lies. I finally left with my two young kids one day when he was blacked out drunk and yelling and swearing at me and broke our closet door. He passed out and woke up to find a silent house and me at one of his best friends from high school's house. The cat was out of the bag and even though it was one of the worst days, it turned out to be such a blessing as we both could not deny anymore that he was an A and our marriage was on the rocks. I would love to say that that was the end and he sought recovery but he didn't. This disease is just so tricky. He went to his first AA meeting the night I came home and said "I will just drink beer". That was when I knew I was in some serious trouble of losing my mind and having a nervous breakdown and I went to my first Al-Anon face-to-face meeting. I learned that he had to own his own actions and I learned to get out of the way and stop making excuses for his behavior. I also slowly learned to detach. I stopped searching for bottles, trying to catch him in lies and let him live his life. The just drinking beer lasted for a week before he was calling into work to stay home and drink hard alcohol. It took a few more months of negative consequences, one being a wellness check from the police and an escort to the hospital for an overnight evaluation, before he realized he really had to quit drinking. During that time I just couldn't believe that our lives had spiraled out of control so bad and so quickly. He had to be checked into the hospital to detox on the third day he quit due to severe withdrawal symptoms and that is where the dr. had a very serious conversation with him to let him know he could have died from the symptoms. He is now coming up on his 1 year anniversary in AA. I thought that once he stopped drinking our marriage would be fixed. Boy was I wrong. I realized how much damage the drinking had done to our marriage and I found it very hard to trust him. I was so resentful, hurt and angry. I will say that things are now starting to turn around after we have both been in recovery for a year. He is a totally different person sober and is actually happy. We have laughed more in the last few months than we have in the last few years. I have my best friend back. I tell you this as there is hope.

If you haven't already, please find a face to face al-anon meeting. These meetings were a great support system for me when I was in a crisis. Sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts. You are not alone.



-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Tuesday 17th of May 2016 10:45:44 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome back Rt!

It is good to see you and as I read your post I hear lots of self awareness and learning.

When I distanced myself from my husband I felt grief at the loss of a dream and then I resolved to use the time as a learning process for myself. I found journaling worked well for me. I also took up yoga which really helped with the anxiety. I tried to look at why I was feeling anxious, to use my time away from the madness to reconnect with a younger me so that I could find out what I liked in life rather than always running from things that I wanted to avoid.

I told myself that my husband wasn't getting any better by my being 'kind' - I kind of thought of him as a wild horse, and how would I go about dealing with a wild horse? I learnt that it did not really matter if he thought that I was being horrible, it is what I thought of myself that really counted.

The first time I left my AH I was catatonic and pretty hopeless and of course I was easily persuaded to go back. When things didn't get better I would just take myself off for a few days holiday, do things that were fun for me, and that seemed to help me to establish some clear boundaries about what I would and wouldn't put up with. I resolved to tell myself that nothing need be forever but that I would just make decision based on how I was feeling. so if I was being asked to do something that made me feel uncomfortable I did not do it If I was scared that I was going to be lonely then I sought out healthy friends. I learnt to trust myself - yay!!!

Personally I think that it is ok to gift oneself time. We are so used to jumping to attention when someone else 'needs' an answer, so nothing wrong with sitting awhile with oneself and doing what one needs to do to get grounded again.

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I just want to let you know I read your share and I am here supporting you in whatever your next steps are.

It took me multiple tries to get myself into recovery, in a way I couldn't make myself go until I was fully ready. I think separating from AH would feel similar for me, I have planted the seed of the idea and have decided I will do as milkwood suggests and do what feels right in each moment. I found that al-anon helped me get clear about myself, what I am doing to keep the focus on me and not AH's behaviors or even his recovery. Though my AH has stopped drinking I still don't know if our marriage has a chance at long term success. Today I am happy to stay with him and heal, but we have issues upon issues and there are no guarantees for our future.

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Dandelion

A weed is a flower you haven't met yet.



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didnt have much time for sadness with all details of moving,etc but did allow myself those" meltdowns'. They are very necessary and it also helps for someone to hug u afterwards. Found new AA meeting and started discovering new neighborhood etc

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ALYCE R KINIKIN
rt


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Thank you, everyone, for the replies. It helps to know that others have felt the same, although, it saddens me that others do.

He called me a few times today, and texted me saying we have things we need to figure out. I just don't know how to handle that yet... if I need to tell him I need some time, if I should just not respond or what. I am afraid if I respond at all, even just to attempt to set some boundaries and request time, that it will just start another cycle of crap and engage me when I desperately cannot afford to be engaged right now. At the same time, I cannot help but feel bad/wrong for just ignoring him, for no other reason than that I do love him. I still care about not hurting him, even though I know I need to focus on myself. How do you make the decision between yourself and the person you love????? I love both...but loving him, seems to be at a cost to myself :/

I have a counseling appointment in an hour and a half, and I am going to see what my counselor recommends I do.

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Doing nothing is also a choice that you can make for yourself. Perhaps you have already made that choice and have decided to do nothing until you decide otherwise. That is ok too!

You are most certainly not alone here! I didn't start getting better the first time in AlAnon either, but a seed was planted and it grew! Fast forward for a few more years of absolute hell (because alcoholism is progressive) and I reached my bottom, as he did very soon thereafter (at least I pray it was his/my bottom).

To answer your question, nothing changes if nothing changes. Take the time you need to decide what you want. Nobody will judge you! It is for you to decide. When I made my choices, I was bound and determined for divorce, but Gid decided otherwise and who am I to argue with God. Now, my RAH is over 13 months sober, working a program, working on our marriage, and living his own life. I don't run his life anymore because he is a grown man and very capable of making his own decisions. I make my own decisions. Is it perfect every day?....no. Is it better than I could have ever imagined? ....yes

Welcome back and please just breathe. That alone can really help because I know for me, I could not think of anything else but my A when I was in a similar place as you are now.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I remember asking myself that question Rt - how do we choose between ourselves and the person we love?

I always used to choose the needs of others over and above myself. My own needs were way below my radar!!

Then one day I imagined myself in old age, imagined myself looking back on my life - would I have any regrets? The regret that came to my mind was that I had allowed someone to disrespect me and that I hadn't really given myself the respect and consideration that I deserved either. So I started to learn to be as good and kind to myself as I would like to be to others I'm not very good at it! I am a little more careful now about keeping my own energy topped up and positive now. It really did help me to start learning to take care of myself. I wanted to give, but to be honest I can't give from an empty cup, and I was running on empty at the time!


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~*Service Worker*~

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I could have written almost word for word what you have written here. The insanity of looking for the bottles, the conversations that are insane too. The whole lot was me and my ex. I left and I too was addicted to the excited misery of this type of dysfunctional relationship. Its a case of when the misery outways the buzz, excitement, drama of the whole thing you will leave and feel better about it. I wanted to leave for years, we lasted almost 20 years. I left when i got sick of being sick. Just like the drinker will only stop when life gets uncomfortable enough.

I strongly suggest you go to meetings. That is where you will get the tools to make a rational decision not based on your insanity and addiction. Whether you stay or go, a program of recovery was desperately needed by me. A whole change in attitude, thought porcesses, a whole overhaul of me and I am so happy now. My life is designed by me and it looks quite good. Good luck, you are not alone and there is a chair with your name n it at your meeting.



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RT, Your story could be mine. My Father was my first qualifier and he quit by going to AA. Then I married into it. On top of it I lived with verbal and emotional abuse that was over the top. I left numerous times thinking that he meant it when he said things would change. Nothing changes when nothing changes. I did finally leave.

Alanon advises to not make any changes in your life for 6 months or a year. I did not find Alanon until after I left. So I do not know if my life would be different if I had waited. It was extremely hard at first because I was addicted to him. I felt like I had to talk to him and the same for him. I went to Al-anon meetings every day for months. They calmed me. They gave me hope. I saw happy people that were dealing with situations much worse than mine.(I am lucky that I live in a town that has many f2f meetings a day.)

By working the steps with a sponsor, taking "one day at a time" and "Letting go and Letting God" guide me, I finally broke out of the addiction. We do not live together and we are slowly separating our life from each other. It is sad to let go of the dream that I thought we would have. We do not talk often only when email won't work. We share children and grandchildren.
It takes time to heal and some days are still better than others.

Alanon says to try at least 6 meetings before you decide if it is for you. I only wish I had gone to meetings earlier.

There is a lot of ESH at this site. Keep coming back..

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I left my alcoholic husband after 20 years - the last 9 years of the marriage were the most evidence of his advancing disease. And mine of course. When we first separated - I 'hated' him, I was so 'over it' and tired. I needed to focus on my kids. After the initial drama died down, I found I did not know what to do with myself. When the kids went to his house for the weekends with him, and I was alone - I had no idea what to do. I did not miss 'him' per se... I was having withdrawal from the enmeshment, the drama, the constant adrenaline , the fixing, the tending to, the snooping... now that I was 'alone', I did not even know myself without an alcoholic spouse. Thus began the journey of discovery for me.

Attending Al-Anon, trying out different activities, dating a little, spending time with friends. When I realized I could basically come and go as I pleased without having to 'explain' or justify it to anyone, I started to really feel free. I was not 'on edge' anymore. I could get up in the morning and go about my day based on what *I* was feeling, not what HIS mood was. It takes time to get through that initial withdrawal - but for me, it wasn't 'him' that I missed. It was the 'drama' and care taking and always having something in my head to think about, worry about - that codependency...being 'other focused'... my 'addiction' to someone else. Like any addict, working a program and staying away from the 'drug' is the best course of action.

This is just my experience. Six years later, he is engaged to marry the girl who introduced us 27 years ago. He still drinks - but how much I don't know, and with a new enabler... he seems to be doing okay. We get along well and he has a good relationship with the kids, and we are still a family. He is somewhat irresponsible still on the financial end of things, and sometimes I get resentful, but even that comes and goes rapidly because my life is so much more full now and I don't want to waste my energy with toxic thoughts. He is who he is. He does what he does - and that is not going to change. Not my pig, not my farm.

Hugs,
Cyndi

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"There will be an answer.  Let it be." ~ The Beatles

rt


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Thank you for all the comments, suggestions, and heartfelt responses in general...I really appreciate it. I am not having a good day today emotionally coping; he hasn't shown an ounce of care or concern for the relationship...which is not surprising by any means, but it still hurts so much that I have felt like throwing up all day long.

I have always been an emotionally expressive person, too, and it's been difficult for me to refrain from calling, texting, or e-mailing to pour out my feelings, frustration, hurt and anger....but I know that it will only hurt me more, if I do.

I am mustering up the courage to go to a meeting. A friend of a friend has her own reasons to go and wants someone to go with. One thing I am somewhat worried about -- and I do not mean for this to offend anyone else -- is that I am not really a religious person. Are there others that go to meetings who do not necessarily believe in god? Any comments/wisdom is appreciated, thank you

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~*Service Worker*~

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I had the same concerns about religion when I first found alanon. I was advised and found it to be true, that Alanon is a spiritual program and not a religious one. You are never forced to believe in any one else's concepts but are urged, when you are ready to find a power greater than yourself that you can depend on.

I, like many in the program choose the wisdom of alanon and the powerful principles, for that Power and I have never been disappointed.

In the beginning I simply attended meetings, listened to learn and took what I liked and left the rest. When I left the meetings I felt better and that was how I found the Power greater than myself-- Others use Good orderly direction as that Power. So you see you too can be flexible in your beliefs

Please keep coming back

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Sorry to hear you're going through this. I left my AH 2 years ago. Al Anon meetings and getting a sponsor helped me a lot. I did the same things you were doing. I found that I couldn't stand living with the lies and drama anymore. Alcoholism is a disease that doesn't really go away unless the person decides to get sober and stay sober. That's the only cure. I still miss my husband at times ( see my post from today) but I would rather be alone than live with him. But I'm really not alone. I have kids and great friends and relatives. I found a lot of peace when I moved out. I also sleep a lot better. Al Anon meetings will help you

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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I remember the grief over the loss of the dream. I had to keep telling myself to not live in "fantasyland". I stayed with the hubby. He is in AA now. I say that "for now I am married" and always give myself permission to leave if that is what I really want. I almost have called it quits before the drinking ended and after the drinking ended, but there was always a reason to stay too. I also had to extremely lower my expectations of marriage. I am now quite independent.

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maryjane


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Al Anon talks about having a higher power. This does not have to mean God for you. Just having hope in something that is greater than us is how I look at it. Al anon doesn't endorse any religion. The meetings really helped me focus on myself and my needs. I hope you try a meeting. They work and they make me feel better knowing others people are going through the same crap.

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Living life one step at a time

rt


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Thank you again; Yeah, I intend on attending a meeting next week when they have the next one, locally here. I have decided that even if not for the sake of my husband, it will be helpful to dealing with my alcoholic mother, too. I was trying to talk to her about important things yesterday and could tell she was drunk. I told her I had to go, I'd talk to her another time. She continued to text me explaining "why" she was drunk. I said I didn't need an explanation, I would just catch up with her a different time. Then she gave me a short window of time on Saturday morning that she would be available in a sober state. At first it hurt me -- you know that she has to squeeze me into her schedule of drinking somehow -- but then I remembered it's not me, it's nothing personal, she's just an alcoholic. Something I learned reading posts on here....

Always really hard not to take it personally though, at least at first.

My husband is maybe a bit of a different story. To be honest, I am not sure if he would be any more decent of a human being without the drinking -- I think his problems might be much larger than just the alcohol/substance abuse tendencies. Either way, I'm going to gather up every resource I can right now...

Thanks again everyone <3 <3

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