The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I handed in 2 assignments; I have done so many assignments in the last 4 weeks or so that the thought of any more makes me want to cry. The positive news is, for this semester I have only 3 more to do (fairly easy ones) and nothing due for 2 weeks now, then exams in 3 weeks time. The bottom line is, Mondays I have no classes and I decided that I was going to spend today doing no study of any kind.
So this morning I got up and turned on my computer and came here to MIP; for some reason I had it in my head that I wanted to read the very first thing I ever posted here (mostly because of all the mushy good feelings I have after spending a day with that guy of mine and the thought that I might be helped keep a grip on reality by re-reading some of my writings from when things were very bad).
Anyway I located my first post, 2.5 years ago (I actually had thought it was longer) and then i read the next one, and the next one and...well, it's 1:24am currently so I've been sitting here reading my own posts and people's responses for many, many hours now. Aside from wash the dishes and make daughter a quick meal it's the only thing I have done all day and night.
The mental bit is, I'm a fast reader, and after about 15 hours of reading I have only just made my way to June 2014, not even a year after I joined. This may come as a shock to you folks but I have posted a pretty large amount of stuff here, lol! Just wow. I'm up to the part in the saga where I failed my drivers test the first time, was unable to find a place to live and was facing impending eviction and homelessness, A had had several violent episodes and I was pretty much an anxiety driven wreck and Cat Lady was rehearsing for a role in Fatal Attraction and trying to shanghai Michael Douglas the kitty. Also Kenny Fenderjazz had just given me the idea to get my nose pierced before my next driving test LOL.
The sheer volume of what I have written here and the fact that you people (and absent friends) read it and loved me through it is just amazing. Since I went on for another 1.5 years after that I guess I owe you all about 40 hours of your lives back lol because that's how long it takes to read through all of my wailing. You're all angels.
I still can't quite fathom why so much went wrong once I decided to try to build a life, it was pretty relentless. But then, I guess I am a LOT tougher now than I was then. One of the central themes to the whole experience that kept coming up over and over was that I couldn't make any changes or find solutions because of what he/she/they were doing and now I have my life pretty well set up so that I do not have to rely on anyone other than myself to meet my daughter's or my own needs and that's pretty huge. I really had worked myself into a life where I was at the whim of my qualifiers and had so many obstacles to making any real changes.
I was so TRAPPED before! And so sad!! And so sure I could just love everybody better and then everything would be alright. Crazy.
I am grateful for what I have gained through these past few years, but, I think I'd prefer not to experience anything like it ever again all the same. Ugh, homeless, heartbroken, helpless. Clutching at straws and so sure it would all be for nothing and I would fail in the end.
So it was a bit of a strange thing to do I guess, spend a day reading my own journal of one of the worst years of my life. But a really interesting exercise because I can see clearly the lessons I was learning and the huge changes that have come about and i can also see areas where I have actually not progressed at all and that is a bit eye opening.
For example, for all of my independence and achievements, I am still being victimised by my own lawn? This theme....the grass is so long and I can't do anything about it has been with me for a lot of years. It's weird; I WORKED mowing lawns all day every day for about 2 years before I first came here, LOL, so why? It's a weird one. Why haven't I bought a mower and just gotten in the habit of mowing it? Why is it that in every house I live, I do nothing about it, wait for either my partner or my stepdad to come and do it for me and feel upset when they can't? Weird. Just weird. I think I'll be needing to sort this one out once and for all.
Anyway, as far as it was from what I intended to do today, it was certainly enlightening.
And as I reported the other day, said partner has just bought himself a car after 3 years of carlessness and tomorrow he has to drive a very long way for work. So I spoke to him just before and he's not slept and I feel the obsessive worry creeping in and it needs to begone, he's a grown man and I have to trust he will be just fine. Mind you it's blowing a hurricane outside again. There's something I haven't managed to let go of anyway; worrying obsessively that if people aren't safe where I can see or hear them (or in his case, at his brothers) then something bad will happen.
Areas to work on I guess.
Anyway, perhaps I'll read a few more months, lol. It's like a really bad novel when you your posts all in order. Insanely narcissistic really but I feel its helping me gain some new directions so I will persevere. I'm usually someone who likes to "never look back" but maybe just for today I need to.
Anyway hugs to all and thanks for reading
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 16th of May 2016 11:50:12 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Mel, that is so interesting. I had an occasion to read all my old diaries not long ago - I have kept a diary since I was 10 - and boy! did stuff leap out at me in a way it never did before. I realized so much about the patterns I had when meeting new men, and many ways in which I kept trying A, B and C in life and then complaining "Why aren't A, B, and C working? Those are the things I've always tried!" It was a huge eye-opener.
You don't have to apologize for one minute for all your writing on here (although I know you were doing it in a joking way) because your posts are so entertaining as well as wise and thought-provoking. I really think you should write a book, and I'm not just saying that.
It is interesting about the lawn because I have that exact same problem. Right now my lawn is the eyesore of the neighborhood. There are a lot of reasons for that (like, the crazy gardener I hired killed it and the green stuff that came up instead of grass is too tough for my push mower to cut, and I can't get anyone to show up to cut it with a power mower, and buying a power mower myself for literally eight square feet of grass seems ridiculous.) But I get overtaken with Helplessness Syndrome when I have to do something about the lawn. It's like "Relationships are pretty much the hardest thing in the world to be good at, but with immense practice, I've finally gotten halfway healthy at relationships, but that's nothing compared to the challenge of mowing the lawn!"
In some ways I think it comes down to "If it is hard, it's too hard for me" (not true and not reasonable) and "Everything else has been so hard that one more hard thing really overloads me" (true and reasonable).
Since you learned to drive despite all obstacles, too bad you can't just drive the car over the lawn and flatten it.
Aha, now you have me daydreaming about a ride on mower, Mattie. Dressed as Forrest Gump and eating chocolates as I drive around my lawn. That does sound more fun than a push mower.
Lol.
I'm glad to know I am not the only person in the world that finds the lawn to be the Hardest Thing Ever.
I was crying with laughter before when I came across a post in which you had told me something like "Wow Melly, not only did you go to the hardware store for bread but the hardware store owner followed you home and chased you around your house" lol.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thats one reason its nice when there are two of you
My ex didnt mind doing the lawn and weed wacking
Or shoveling and snow blowing.
I am glad you read your old posts i have done that in
The past probably should again. I am revisiting a lot
More now that i am further along in my detaching and
Have gone No contact with my xah.
I can handle opening up some of my God boxes that
Need to be examined, looked at, processed and let Go
of with the help of God. There is so much pain and Hurt
to face inside of them.
We are all on this Journey together To help each other
Without being enabling only loving and supportive. I
Love your posts they are refreshing and often funny.
((Ms.M.))) I think going back over your old positing is a great exercise It is like a mini 6th Step becoming entirely ready to have HP remove our shortcomings.
Seeing them, owning them,learning the lessons from the past are all part of the proces of "becoming entirely ready"
I am sure after this exercise you have noted that "You have come a long way ".
Loved Mattie's suggestion of simply driving over the lawn to flatten it :) Ride on mowers are great. A lady across the Street from my son's house had one and she loved to drive over and do his lawn. I was grateful.
Thats brilliant Mel. Looking back and seeing the changes is so helpful. Getting more compassion for who we are helps us move on and away from the old behaviours and thought processes that were always the root cause of our misery. It was never other people. We always had the power and always will to either make our lives good or not. Love this post. You are an inspiration, honestly!!
I don't think it's narcissistic, it's a learning exercise. When I look at old texts, emails, etc, often I have to piece back together why I said what I said, did what I did, etc because I don't have the complete info to do that. Havinga running diary would be great.
I had completely forgotten that I had made that post, and some of the joy and consternation in it, so it was great for me to go back and see how things were.
Thanks all, it's actually been really enlightening in term of seeing where I have made progress and where I am still stuck. Worthwhile use of a day off all in all
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Wow, I never thought to go back and read all my posts. Now I am interested and am thinking I would need days to even get started. I have been glad to hear your journey and I love hearing where you are now. Keep up the good work!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
