Many areas have Al-Anon meetings with childcare - have you checked to see if there are some in your area?  I agree that he should not be in charge of children alone, especially the 7-month-old.  An alcoholic in charge of a young child is a recipe for disaster.  But meetings will help supply the tools to cope with this sad turns of events.  There are also meetings online at this site.  No one should have to go through this alone.  There is help and recovery available for you - we all need our own recovery too because alcoholism sucks everyone around it into the whirlwind of craziness.  I know it must be disorienting and painful and awful.  I'm glad you have found us here.  I hope you'll hang in there, and keep coming back.  Hugs.

Thank you so much! I will definitely take advantage of any resources I can at this point. Especially the meetings that have childcare. My kids have never seen either one of us drink. When my 11 year old son says he is worried about his dad's drinking I have told him "I know your not used to seeing your dad drink, but lots of people drink. It's not that big of a deal." I called myself trying to ease his fears but really I was just lying to him. I feel like I should be open and honest with my son but I my husband will most likely lose it. Saying I am making it a big deal. Is there any suggestions? I just feel like I am on egg shells with every step, look, sigh, word, etc.

In one of my meetings a woman used to bring a baby. It wasn't a big deal. Also I have had my daughter sit outside the room with her ipad or whatever; that's what she does at home anyway lol and then taken her for an icecream or something nice afterwards to say thanks for cooperating. It's not ideal but it might be possible to start with if there aren't meetings with childcare immediately available?

With regards to your son I imagine I might say something like "I don't like it either but he's a grown man and he has to choose for himself". I think personally that too much information about alcoholism for a child can make them feel as if perhaps they can do something to fix it; I'd prefer to let the drunk behaviour speak for itself and model detached compassion for my child if that makes any sense.
Hugs anyway, and welcome

-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 16th of May 2016 11:42:39 AM

Thank you so much everyone! It has really helped. Since my first message last night things have escalated. And he has for the past 2 hours vented to my kids about what a liar I am and called me horrible names. He said they need to know that he's not the only bad guy. The good thing is that he has packed his stuff and left but now I am stuck cleaning up the mess with my kids who are a crying mess right now. I'm trying to explain that daddy is very sick and the things he says are coming from his disease and are not true. So I will be finding a meeting this week. Even if the kids have to sit outside with their tablets. Thank you everyone. I feel like I was a little stronger throughout this raging episode. He asked me to give him a ride to work on Friday (he is a DJ in a bar) And I told him I will but he will have to respect me and not call me any names which is what he did all last week when I took him to work and picked him up. He was furious telling me that I am trying to control everything but I held my ground. So I feel a little stronger.

I am so sorry that the kids got dragged into this but if you can, try and pick up some al-anon literature to help explain to them what is going on with their dad. I can only imagine how scared and concerned they must be. You took the first step in your recovery and hopefully your husband will too.

I have hesitated to reply earlier because your post scares me to death. I don't know what I would do if my RAH relapsed. I really don't know if I have the strength to go through "one more time".

I'm also not certain if you have ever been through living with an active alcoholic husband before. It is an experience you will never forget. I do know that when you get through this you will be a stronger person.  I just pray you reach out to Al-Anon as quickly as possible because it will make a difference in your life. I do not mean to give advice,  but to lead you to the only place you will find the answers you seek. It is very hard to imagine how quickly an alcoholic can change from a loving, kind, wonderful husband to a mean, miserable, hateful, un-trustworthy person, that you wish nothing more than to be rid of. This is the disease of alcoholism.

It truly is a disease!  While in the middle of the pain of living with an active alcoholic, it is difficult to separate the person from the disease. This is where the meetings will help you the most. I also recommend getting a copy of the Big Book. You can get this in the app store for free if you use Apple. I don't know about the other apps available for android devices . You can also watch on YouTube speakers from AA and Al-Anon by searching on YouTube. Both my RAH and I have found them to be quite helpful when a face to face meeting is not available. 

Please know, however, that your AH may not like seeing you reading about his disease in the Big Book.  If he attended AA meetings in the past, he will know what you are doing (learning about his disease) and may consider picking it up when you are not home. I seriously doubt he will pick it up in front of you though.  Or, he may "show out" worse because you have "found out" about his problem.

The big book is a wonderful resource to help understand alcoholism. It is not an Al-Anon book, but a book for alcoholics. For me, however, it gave clarity and understanding of what my now RAH  must be facing. This helped me to remove my hatred from him as a person and put it on the disease. It also help me to understand how my enabling affected him and prevented him from facing the consequences of his actions. 

My RAH has been sober for only 13 months and is working the program. He has changed so much that I almost don't know him at times. It has taken a great deal of adjustment for me and for my daughter, who is 16 years old. When he first stop drinking, he was a mess! I had finally kicked him out to live in the camper. He was a broken man, facing criminal charges of DUI and other traffic offenses, which would cost him his long term career.  He had nearly run over a state trooper, with not one, but two, open beers in the front of his truck, was virtually unable to speak, had forgotten his camper keys and his drivers license and was trying to convince this trooper to let him go (because he was so important). Although the trooper told me he would drop down the charges, I begged him not to tell my AH.  Even while in the jail, he was screaming and blaming me for everything (sad because I was not even home...I was with my daughter at pageant practice at school).  I would NEVER have bonded him out except that I was literally forced to (can not explain here).  I left the next morning to see my divorce lawyer and he tried unsuccessfully to get out of the charges. I finally refused to help...period!

Several weeks later, after he had started attending meetings and was very obviously trying, I did allow him to stay at our house so that he could work. (The camper is simply not equipped for working on the Internet, as it is located in a remote area).

One day after he had come back home, my daughter was in tears because she said (through her sobs), that she did not know this man living in our home she called Daddy. She did not know how to interact with him and she did not know who he was. She had never known him when he was not drinking. At first, she did not like the changes because he had always played the fun loving dad, who took her side against me in everything. On one occasion, I heard her tell my mother that "Daddy takes Mama's side now".  It was not about sides, it was about the dynamics in the home and how messed up they were. I simply had no idea it was as bad as it was because I was in denial. I thought I wasn't because I never pretended he was anything but an alcoholic. I just didn't really understand what an alcoholic was And I was doing everything wrong!

Looking back, I made horrible mistakes because I didn't have the skills, knowledge, or strength to say NO MORE! I was simply too afraid that he would leave, but I was forever telling him to get out. Talk about passive aggressive LOL...this was me! Oh how glad I am that my days with Al-Anon and his days with AA have changed our lives.

I am telling you all of this because your husband's relapse is my worst fear. I try not to think about it ever and your post brought it to the forefront of my mind. If you have not ever worked an Al-Anon program, you will find the serenity and the skills you need to change everything are there for the taking. Making these changes will help your children as well.

I did read that you are starting meetings and I pray you will keep an open mind to accept the honest help they offer. This is not meant negative, but as one alcoholic's wife to another, and is said with all the support, love, and affection only someone who truly understands can give.

God bless you and your family.  There are answers and there is a way to have peace again. I pray you find your peace and serenity very soon!

 

 

((((Dlove)))))

Well done for standing your ground. I don't think that you come across as crazy - although I well remember feeling that way myself!!

It sounds as if you and your children are scared of the relapse behaviour that has come into your life. I think that it is very difficult to live in a frightening environment and I found that it undermined my trust in anything much after a while, not a good place to be.

When my husband was full-blown in his disease he used to give me a hard time by complaining that I did not give him the unconditional love that his girl 'friend' did. You can imagine how insecure that made me feel!

At the time I thought that giving unconditional love was something that I should be able to do and if I could only love him in 'the right way' then everything would be better. That feeling and those beliefs kept me glued to our rapidly deteriorating relationship.

I've since come to believe that I choose to love conditionally - it sounds awfully sad and selfish but I realised that if someone were to be cruel to animals or wanted to hurt vulnerable people then I would struggle to think well of them. I would come to fear them and resent them. So I am very comfortable giving my love conditionally, in fact I think that there is some wisdom and benefit all round in being a bit discerning.

I agree with Pinkchip. When boundaries are crossed we might not want to be in the situation of being the person to dish out consequences and we might still feel like we should protect the people we love, (I know I did), even protecting them from themselves. But standing in the way of reasonable consequences isn't necessarily helpful either.

I'm so sorry that this situation has come into all of your lives. You are not alone. ((((hugs)))))