I've just spent 24 hours with ..He Who Must Not Be Named? I can't comfortably call him "A". It just feels wrong to me now that I'm not angry with him all the time. In life I mostly call him Your Majesty which I find disproportionately hilarious. 

It's been almost 3 months since we last saw each other which has been weird and a bit sad. I've been SO busy with school, he's been looking for work and doing various stuffs and it just hasn't happened. And, he was drunk and a complete elephant's butt the last 2 times I saw him so I have been quite willingly distant. Still, 3 months is long. We talk daily, via skype. Mostly "Hi". "Hi". "So.....". "So.....". "Done anything interesting?" "Nope, you?" "Nope. Talk tomorrow?" "Yep". "Love you". "You too". "Bye".

Still, probably more conversation than we had each day when we lived together, and without the fighting or dirty looks too. I do marvel at how easy it is to get along when we are not interpreting each others looks or body language as insidiously allegorical (is that a thing? It is now). I guess not having joint finances or messes to deal with helps a great deal.

I took daughter to her fathers yesterday, after her Japanese class. I am coming to really loathe Saturdays to be honest. 8 hours of travel but with a pleasing twist; His Majesty picked me up on the way home in his NEEEEW CAR!! (I wrote that in a game show host voice). He drove me to my house, had brought a big bag of groceries with him, and he walked in and set about making his rather delectable vegetable pie. He didn't try to ask me to be his kitchen hand while he cooked either, which was a delightful development. I HATE when he says he will cook and then expects me to play kitchen hand and dish-washer. So I was quite pleasantly surprised when he ordered me to get out of my own kitchen. Okie dokie, Your Majesty.

We had a really very nice night watching movies. And, funny, recent threads on here have related to intimacy issues, and this has been such a big area of distress for us for a long time. So I'll spare the details but he actually instigated an honest-to-HP discussion about it (I nearly passed out with shock) and offered some suggestions for how to improve matters. He has refused to have any kind of open conversation about it for as long as I have know him. EVER. Any time I have tried to discuss it I have been shut down and then shunned. I have become very resentful and sad about it. So this new approach (talking openly and being nice) was really something, to me. I like him a whole lot when he acts like a grown-up. 

There was not much discussion about living arrangements this time. I think neither of us wanted to sour what would only be a 24 hour visit with sad or angry discussions. He said only that he is worried that if we live apart too long, "if we live together again it will be weird". I said "We were in so many terrible, destructive habits for so many years that weird would probably be a great thing". He said "I guess" and moved on. I thought on this later; I wonder if by "weird" he means 'not back to how it was". When he pushed it again I told him that as much as I love him, I cannot live with the way that he behaves when he is drunk. He countered with "well I can't live with you when you...and...". I said "well there you go then, we aren't ready to live together". And that was more or less the end of it. No one got angry which was a nice change.. It's an interesting place we are in really; I know he isn't willing to change his habits right now and I'm fine with that as long as I don't have to live with it. There are many compromises I do not want to make for the sake of living with a partner now either. It seems that once we got over the initial paranoia that living apart would equal shagging other people, we're both pretty comfortable with together-apart. Later, before he left, we took the dog for a run in the park, in the dark, and I did say 'I can't run around in the dark when I'm alone, I do miss our nighttime adventures" and he said "well if you'd let me live with you again...". Around and around in circles. I do feel reassured that he wants to live with me even though I do not, and that's probably not very fair of me and something I ought check in myself.

Tonight he left as he starts a new job tomorrow. Nifty, huh? The outcome is none of my business; he is happy and positive and that's nice to be around. I was guilty, when he told me about the car and the job, of thinking "oh here we go, the start of the cycle" but that isn't fair and without needing it to go one way or the other, I really hope this job is a positive development for him.

Anyway, that's more or less that. 

One other thing happened which surprised me. 

My lawn is like waist high and I have not had funds or tools to deal with it. I got a quote the other day for $100 and I just don't have it spare and, his majesty has been saying he will come and do it soon.

Anyway he got the mower out and it wouldn't start. So we went and i bought a hose for it (I'm very low on funds so it mattered) and even then it wouldn't start. Well I had to go and be alone for a moment because out of nowhere I started to cry. It shocked me. It was...well basically, all I could think was, "I do EVERYTHING ALONE and it's FREAKING HARD and the ONE TIME I GET SOME HELP IT CAN"T EVEN EFFING WORK". I was really surprised at the depth of sadness and anger I felt. It IS hard doing everything alone. So much sacrifice to raise a child alone, so few rewards and no-one to do little things to make life a little nicer, well yes poor me, get over it Mel. Still, I hadn't realised all of that was in there and I was shocked at the way it bubbled up when I thought I was about to get some help and then it didn't happen. I didn't know I cared. lol? Stupid lawn. meanwhile there are cows at the local saleyard tonight, I can hear them moo-ing away. I wonder if I could sneak a few of them out and set them to work on the lawn for the night. Ha. 

This morning I got a text message from Faceache, saying 'can you come and get daughter today since you owe me a few return trips". (A few weeks ago I could not take her over and said she couldn't come that weekend. He said, I will do both trips this weekend if you do both next time. I responded that "I cannot do both next time but I will return the favour at some time in the future" to which he said "No Worries".

So when I got today's message my stomach sank and my hands started shaking because, in the past there have been SO many occasions when I have taken her there and then he has refused to bring her back and I've had to make both trips. 8 hours travel is not something I want to do 2 days in a row and, I had assignments due at midnight tonight and, I had company today!!! 

In the past  would have flown into a rage, and it would have been on for young and old.

Today I put the phone aside and went for a little walk, breathed, and had a discussion with my HP. I decided, if he refuses to bring her home and she is not back in time for school tomorrow, that is on him. I won't be bullied or have daughter used against me in that way. And I won't fail my assignments or sacrifice my day with my partner whom I have not seen for months. So after a calming walk and a HP talk I texted back that unfortunately, as I have already told him, that won't be possible. Next I got a message from my mother asking if I wanted her to collect daughter from his house and I could go there to get her. He must have called her or texted her. Nope, still an 8 hour journey on a Sunday to go to her house and back. Once again I simply said no, do not collect her, it's not possible for me to travel today. I didn't ask her any further details and she didn't volunteer them either.

And then, I got on with my day and, he brought her back. Nice one.

I got my assignments submitted, daughter is safe in her bed, and all's right with the world.

So all's well that ends well. I feel a little lonely, after having company for such a brief time but it will pass as it always does.

And that's all. Thanks for reading.

(((Everyone)))