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Post Info TOPIC: AH telling daughter "stories"


~*Service Worker*~

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AH telling daughter "stories"


My AH was intoxicated last night and he started telling my daughter some ridiculously untrue story about almost selling her to the circus and about how she outran a wolf as a toddler. It was quite honestly very ridiculous.  She's 7 and she seemed to believe it and asked him several times if it was true.  Each time he told her yes it was absolutely true.  I was there and when she asked me if it was true I told her no it wasn't. I went out last night right around the time of this conversation so I didn't see it through to the end.  Later in the night I got home and AH told me all about how he told her this ridiculous story even further after I left and she believed it and he thought it was funny.  I decided that because he was intoxicated I wasn't going to engage him in a conversation about it at the time.  I just said "oh yeah?" and moved the conversation along.  This morning when he was sober I brought it up and told him I didn't think it was a good idea to lie to her especially when she was asking him if it was true.  He told me he agreed with me and he would correct it this morning with her.  He did not bring it up to her.  I thought about bringing it up to her but I don't want to get in the middle.  She was actually quite excited about the possibility of doing these amazing things he lied about.  I don't want to be the bad guy or get caught between them.  This isn't the first time he has done it he does it quite frequently.  He does small things like when she asks how long it will be until dinner and he says 4 hours (when it will probably be 30 minutes) and she gets upset he then laughs.  Or he makes up these crazy stories and just when she believes it he tells her it isn't true.  I try not to intervene but I'm her mother and at some level I should protect her.   She often asks me if he's telling the truth (thank God she does that before she reacts now most of the time).  I either flat out tell her no that is not the truth or I say things like "you know your dad likes to make up these kinds of stories what do you think?".  She's a pretty smart cookie so she figures it out now.

I have two concerns.  I am concerned about my daughter growing up being untrusting because of all these silly ridiculous stories he tells her.  I think she is already starting to wonder if she should take her dad seriously.  That's not a good thing.  The other one is I don't want to be complicit in these ridiculous lies.  I think I used to go along with some of the more fun things at times thinking it was ok.  But now when I think about how it plays out I don't want to be a part of it.  So I won't.  I just hope and pray that if I keep telling her the truth that I can at least build a trusting relationship with her even if her father compromises his.  A while ago I had contemplated leaving but that would mean shared custody and one of my biggest factors in deciding to stay was I didn't want to leave my daughter alone to deal with her father when he was intoxicated.  So I don't want to just butt out completely and leave them to their relationship.  Trying to remind myself that the only person I can control is myself and I can only control my part in it.  And I can choose not to go along with the stories.  To speak up when I think he is misleading her and hopefully my daughter will figure things out.

Has anyone had experience with this they could share?

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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AH telling daughter


I could write a few novels about this kind of 'fun'.....my boys are now 22 and 24 and they are also qualifiers in this program. They see most of his stories and mannerisms as dad being dad and I honestly can't tell if or what affect it may have had on them. It would be nice to be able to say that they are what they are because of xyz, but I just don't do that or go there. What I did learn to do (after getting inserted and not liking that) was to allow them to come to me for clarity if needed. If I was around and he was telling stories, I often would roll my eyes or laugh as they were so ridiculous. It was the teasing that bothered me more than the stories - as I do believe it affected their self-esteem.

My oldest has built a concrete wall around him that makes him bitter, cold and distant. My youngest is still finding himself, but in moments of honesty, he's got many anger issues with his father and has told him that he was never there for him. I do not get into it - I just now since they are adults suggest he did the best he could at the time - and they should not ever let their past define their present or their future.

It's hard for sure - I stayed for a variety of reasons but the one you mention was also close to the top. My sponsor has always suggested that my best course of action is to stay true to myself and be the best example I can be.

(((KT))) - the path we walk is rocky at times, and smooth at others...Hang in there and know you aren't alone!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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RE: AH telling daughter "stories"


I'm sorry you're in this situation.  About your daughter growing up being "untrusting" - it sounds as if that's the wise thing for her to be when faced with her dad's deception.  Sadly she has to be untrusting to keep a grip on reality here.  I don't even think it's necessary to say "What do you think?" when she asks - it sounds the tiniest bit evasive.  I remember when my parents would say that for me and I would think, "Why won't they tell me the truth?  Is there something shameful about it?  Should I not be asking?"  It sounded like they didn't want me to ask and it was bad of me to ask, so eventually I stopped asking.  But I resented that they wouldn't just be straight with me. 

What troubles me as much as the lies is why your H seems to be telling them - so he can "feel superior" to her and "one up" her - telling her that dinner is 4 hours away and then watching her get upset.  Like he finds it fun to make her upset.  That would be very painful as a child.  (Or as an adult!)  And he's kind of laughing at her for believing all these stories about the circus and the wolf.  Not having fun with her, but having fun at her expense.  A little bit sadistic. 

I'm not sure someone would do this if he didn't have a compulsion to - and it may have been done to him when he was a kid.  So now he thinks "This is how the person with the power has fun.  At last I'm the one with the power!"  So he may not be agreeable to changing.  And as we know, even when people intend to do something, when they're drunk that often goes out the window.  I hope you can help protect your daughter.  It's unwise to get in between two adults when they're having a disagreement, but it's our responsibility to protect our children from people trying to bully them.  So if I were in this situation I would definitely get between them - not to try to force him to change (we know we can't do that), but to help reassure your daughter.  Take good care of yourself.



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~*Service Worker*~

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AH telling daughter


Agree mattie. My alcoholic uncle did this. He was so incredibly insecure and this is how he would displace those feelings of inferiority. He was not purely evil or a total sadist. He was just damaged, carrying a ton of baggage, and was a hurt child himself on the inside.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Not that any of the above was a good excuse...

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~*Service Worker*~

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RE: AH telling daughter "stories"


 

 

Kt, for me one of the aspects of our disease I call fantasy.  Drunk and fantasy are a fit.  Hallucinations and inebriated are also.  One of the characters of the disease in my life I remember was the reliance upon imagination and most often we learned what all came with "drunk" it wasn't real and when I grew up the explanation for the "fanciful stories" was that the teller was using his or her "imagination" they were dreaming the stories up.  I learned to laugh from them and was taught to laugh from them because the stories "were not real" and the teller of the story wasn't "being real either".   When were heard the terms or words "lie or liar" the judgement was moral and took on a greater risk in the relationship...we were not ever to associate with liars.  I read your post and am reminded of an explanation of "stretching the imagination" which we also learned.  "Stories as you used in the title of this post is appropriate I think."  Think consequences.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 554
Date:
AH telling daughter


Thank you all for your input. I spoke to my AH when he was sober again last night. I told him it concerned me because it was misleading for her and may let her down in the future or cause her to be untrusting. He told me he understood my reasoning he just thought he was having fun like his dad used to with him (his dad who was an active alcoholic in his childhood who eventually found sobriety and AA). My AH has identified that it was difficult growing up with his father and as soon as those words came out of his mouth I saw a facial expression of recognition. I am not sure how far that went but at least I said something and now I can let it go. And yes if it happens again I will intervene to support my daughter. I really appreciate your input about not calling him a liar Jerry. That is very helpful. I plan to approach the issue with love for both of them.

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