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It's been a few weeks since I last posted... I have been reading others' posts, but have not wanted to be repetitive re my own problems/circumstances - which I am sad to report have not changed (referencing the mystery illness). I had been doing a bit better with my obsessing (bit being the operative word - but hey, I'll take what I can get) - until this weekend. Ex-AF and I had gotten engaged this weekend two years ago... It is also this weekend each year that his family's company has their enormous annual shareholders' meeting in Omaha.
The anniversary of the engagement, along with the sting of missing an event that was so important to us - and missing the family that I am not longer part. On top of all of that, wondering if he would bring his replacement girl to the event so soon after beginning to date. I did such a good job not checking social media for an answer re the girl - but she emailed me a pic of them via this app that destroys the email within a certain number of seconds of opening it (screenshots come out blank). I have never ever met nor spoken to this girl - and I know ex-AF wouldn't believe me that she did such a thing. I am literally shaking and hysterically crying with sadness and despair. How could he just replace me to this extent so quickly? Taking her is a BIG DEAL.
Here's the worst part: I still miss him with every ounce of myself. I am not religious, but have tried to embrace the higher power principle - and I BEG to stop loving this man... To no avail. I feel so strongly that he and I are soulmates (don't know if that's the right term - but definitely meant for each other), and am completely powerless over him, his addictions, and his psychopath replacement girl. So what do I do?? I am asking in the most literal of senses because I am fighting every bone in my body to not call. What if we really were supposed to be together?
I am in dire need of support. Thank you all in advance.
Aloha J and I agree...it sucked with me also...it sucked soooo badly until I learn many lessons about being human and dependent up others for verifications that I was worthy and also how I threw my self into and at other people, places and thing without their mutual participation and investment. Crap I use to drive hundreds of miles trying to find my "fix" and some of those hundreds right in the town we lived in within the miles between bars, clubs and saloons she "may" have been drinking and using at. I never found her but once and that once I was so inappropriate in trying to show her how to drink using my own style. The bartender was adamant that I not drive home myself from the bar (LOL he was amazed I could even stand up) to which I did anyway not believing I was affected.
"Dumb as a stick" was an early self description I use to use for me.
The answer to your question title is "Of course it will stop...when you stopped it and yourself from using thoughts, feelings and behaviors which support the insanity. I had to "STOP" Jerry F and no one else. I had to go up against my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviors because the consequences of using them resulted in the insanity which Al-Anon speaks of. I had to listen to everything and follow all or as many of the suggestions I got in program. At first I didn't do well because the program and it's recovery behaviors and thoughts and feeling and practices was so new and different to me...so unusual however there were many elder members around me whose recovery gave me hope that I could also achieve the freedoms they had.
A closing statement from our meetings is "If you keep and OPEN MIND you will find help" Help was all I was looking for without knowing specifics and so I learned open mindedness and how to listen without judgement and bias. I learned that if I could "duplicate" the growth and gains of the elders I could have what they had and of course that is what happened. My Higher Power has never ever failed to fill my life with elders and winners who freely give away what they have learned....(from others. They also duplicate). Ours is a simple program for complicated people. Don't let being complicated...if that fits, stop you from trying and learning because as you practice you will experience that thing that the elders often speak of which of course is real; the miracles of recovery and you might then look back and laugh with a "yes it does change".
Keep on keeping on. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 1st of May 2016 11:23:46 PM
Remember that "Feelings aren't facts." The alcoholic also believes that alcohol will solve his problems. He believes it as strongly as you believe that you are "soulmates" and "meant to be together." But the strength of the belief doesn't make it so. It just reflects the strength of the craving. I don't believe that any of us are meant to be with someone who ignores us in favor of alcohol, throws us over for someone else, and causes us pain. That is who he is as surely as anything else.
I remember those long horrible days of thinking "If it weren't for [various things], our life would be perfect together." But the problems were what was real - the rest of the "perfect" was just in my mind.
There are better things out there for you. Are you going to a meeting, working the steps, working the program? The chaos and pain can and will end. Those are the miracles in progress.
That's a horrid thing for a person to do, the disappearing photo. Smacks of insecurity. Really if this dudes the prize I think you deserve a refund. Trust in the process. If you start working the programme, yes it ends. Meetings daily. Literature. Counselling. Charity work. Hit step one, acceptance of powerless. You are powerless over this man's actions a d choices. I found that one the hardest but the most freeing and it gets easier when I meet it again. You're not alone.
Powerless over your feelings for him too. Realising that part was a huge eye opener for me.
What if you are meant to be together...ok, cool. What if you're meant to be together but you're not meant to be together yet because you're both emotionally unwell and have to work on your journeys separately before that can happen? What if you're gonna meet someone so awesome that you can't even remember why you liked this guy at all? Sounds in possible and yet, that very scenario is embodied by my ex husband. Thought I'd die, thought we were meant to be. Now that just kinda makes me giggle and shake my head.
You can lose a lot of time sitting and trying to work out what's "meant to be" but the funny thing is, the things we need seem to come to us when we stop trying to figure it out, and start living in the moment. Ever read The Power of Now? That was a great one for me when I was frozen in sadness and fear of what I might be missing.
There's this saying, "if you want something you've never had before, do something you've never done before".
Also, doesn't bother me how many times you repeat yourself. You know when I was stuck and kept repeating myself here I eventually got sick of my OWN stuckness and irritated with my OWN repetition and it motivated me. Doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks because, yay, it's none of my business anyway!! Saying stuff out loud and having it transform your thinking seems to be part of how this marvelous program works so, you know. Meetings are great for that; are you still housebound? Did you ever look into telephone meetings?
Good to hear from you anyway. And yeah, the email is nasty; I think I'd change my email address rather than have that sort of nasty insecure behaviour stealing my serenity. Icky.
Hugs!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
The pain of losing your hopes and dreams can seem like the end of the world. They, in my experience are often not the full facts of the matter though. Your ex is an alcoholic, you could view all this as a lucky escape. If you had married him, what are the pictures of this in your mind? Chances are they are pretty idealistc and not realistic. Being married to an alcoholic is hard and almost impossible for most folk. You only have to read a few posts here to see how hard life can get. so what is it your grieving for? It sounds like a cold question but your freedom from this could lie in looking closely at your thought processes here. Have you built up an unrealistic idea of what it would have been like? Have you put him high up on a pedestal? again you may have built an unrealistic idea of who he is or what he actually was to you.
While you feel this way you have given the power of your thoughts and feelings over to another person. Alanon taught me to take control over me and my thoughts and feelings. I get to say whats what a lot of the time. Grief and loss are hard and can take some time to work through but we can also abandon our selves to grief and lose the reality of the situation, then we're in fantasy land full of pain and suffering that actually doesnt have to be. We can decide and work towards letting Go, doing what makes us happy. A few tools I can think of would be to write it all out, it may help you let go. Give yourself a time limit, so it could be another week of misery and then it stops and make a list of ways to improve your life and lift your spirits. Its all in your hands, your happiness and serenity is yours to work on and noone elses.
