The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He constantly says he knows he has a binge drinking "issue", and that one day he will conquer the "demon". So basically he goes 5 days without drinking, sees that as progress and "rewards" himself with a few drinks! He refuses to see that as going backwards in his goal! He loves to say there is nothing wrong with a few beers, lots of men drink. My past attempts at explaining that his behavior while drinking is not "normal" got me nowhere. He thinks he is doing GREAT onhis own terms and AA is not for him. I often wonder if alcoholics really know they are not behaving normal but dont want to discuss it because of embarassment to admit it. Today I am not with him, I am at my house with my daughter. He is at his house with his son. I can tell hes been drinking, ( he thinks I cant tell when Im not there) His last text was at 5:30. No idea what happen after that. big chance he passed out. Now later tonight or in the morning he will lie and say he was super tired and fell asleep early. then proceed to be all sweet and nice. uggggggg am I suppose to play dumb (as usual) and be all cheery like he will? hate all this!!!! He probably doesnt even remember what he did after 5:30!!
Hi Aerin Before program I used denial and pretend to handle all the difficult situations that surfaced. Alanon taught me that I can validate myself, and that although I am not a mind reader and cannot project into the future I can say what I need without saying it mean or blaming others. Being powerless over people, places and things helps me to keep the focus on myself so as to maintain my own serenity and peace.
Aerin I wish you freedom from the disease as so many members of the program have found. Part of your share was spot on the subject of this mornings meeting Serenity on Sunday (SOS). And some of what we spoke to was how we were captivated by the disease and often willingly gave up self control and freedom until we learned a different way of living.
I remember my sponsor cueing me into focusing on and counting the many times I used the pronouns her, she, alcoholic, wife etc and when I was able to start doing that it made me sick to my stomach. Here was a very sick woman that I had turned control of my life over to and she wasn't qualified to, strong enough for and never asked me for the responsibility. I had to learn how to take control of my life and its consequences or console myself with being to fearful and immature.
Self focus is such an important tool and ability for those of us affected by the drinking and using of an addict family member, friend and associate. In support. ((((hugs))))
I am in a similar boat to you... My AH continues to drink even though he says he needs to stop or cut back. He tries going to a beer with less alcohol in it but then drinks more of it. He thinks drinking 10 beers in a night is an okay thing to do and that it's "nothing" for a man his size. I, too, have talked to him about how his drinking is not "normal." He agrees with me but then does nothing about it. I am trying to let go, because I have no control over it. It's very hard to do, especially since I have to watch it all the time, but I know in my heart that I will go crazy if I don't let go. I don't like when he has had a lot to drink and then I have to talk to him like that-or the kids do. Many times I will go to bed so I don't have to be around it, but it's hard when you're in the same house. I constantly struggle with the "letting go" issue. I feel for you, because I know how hard it is. Hugs to you!
My AH use to do this all the time. I found it so hard to detach with love and felt that if I didn't say something to him and call him on his actions I was burying my head in the sand and ignoring the problem. I finally learned that detaching with love was more about helping me maintain my sanity. I hope you have a face-to-face meeting you can go to.
Its called denial. Its a horrible disease of the mind that tells you there is nothing wrong and of course you should have a drink. Theres nothing you can do to convince him of anything really. His mind is closed to it, he cant hear you, you might as well be speaking another language so dont waste your time. In my own experience and from what Ive learned an alcoholic will only get recovery when they have reached their own personal bottom, this could be anything from a DUI to rock bottom on the gutter, lost everything type of thing. Some pioor souls never reach it and death is the final bottom.
All you can do is learn how to live your own life regardless of what he is doing. He is an adult and can make choices to drink or not, get recovery or not. Its entirely up to him, his responsibility. Yours is you and your life. Improving and living your own life as fully as you can. Alanon is where I got help.
It is so easy to get enmeshed in this disease. For me when I finally got clear about what Cyndi 'wants', in life and love, I felt empowered to take the reigns. I am fortunate in that I am FREE to choose how I want my life to shape out. I may take a wrong turn here and there, but at the end of the day, my contentment is still up to me. I have my program and my Higher Power to help me take the next best step. Al-Anon helps me get re-centered and focused on 'me'. The rest takes care of itself. It doesn't mean it's easy, but it really comes down to 'Let Go Or Be Dragged'. I choose to Let Go.
I also messaged you.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
Hi there,
I have had similar experiences to you. My AH is also in denial about his drinking. When I brought up the problems I had with his drinking he said "I'm so worried that you are going to tell me that I have to stop drinking for us to stay together". That statement was powerful to me because I realized on some level that he knew at least that his drinking was a problem for me and also that he would feel at a loss if he had to choose between me and his alcohol. That is a powerful disease talking right there because he said it out of desperation of losing me. My AH also does ridiculous things to hide his drinking from me. But when I truly accepted that I had to let go it worked like a charm. I often have to keep giving him over to my HP but I don't count drinks much anymore. I don't concern myself with his drinking. I don't monitor what he does or doesn't do. I have slowly started to turn my attention towards myself. Someone on here once said to me "the alcoholic is going to drink....what are you going to do?" I use that as a good reminder for myself. Hugs
KT
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