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Post Info TOPIC: A test of where I am


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 65
Date:
A test of where I am


I've been doing really well, focusing on me and not my ExABF. Taking the time I need to start fresh, looking to buy a home just for me and the dog. I don't give him as much energy as this post may elude too--just events of the pay week have intensified old feelings as of recent. My ex has been in intensive out patient, back to work and living in sober living. We have an arrangement with the dog, he can see him but I won't be there during the visits. We've tried this before and slowing I've dropped my guard but this time seems to be working. I know he's dating the other woman still (that's still is a sore subject-I've never dislike another person more than her in my whole life and it has nothing to do with the fact she's with him--she's as manipulating as he is-they are volitile together and the ripple effect they both cause is disgusting..but that's a result of him most likely just she's pointed the fingers at me and to his parent that I'm the cause of his disease...news flash to her we all contributed(not caused it but didn't help it either) to it even her...she's just taken on the roll I used to play..but i digress) Anyways... A few weeks ago i get texts from Him "I'm going to see the dog this day (per arrangement) hope you're home too-I stuck to my boundary. And then last week a message "I hope where ever you live after the lease is done has room enough for 3 (eluding to him moving back in)" to which I responded "I'm getting a place for me. The rest of it needs to be taken one day at a time" I could have said no, but he's got a place still in my heart; it's hard to know what I want to do with us yet. He gets a weekend pass, so he says, from sober living to attend a conference out of town. A text from him at midnight when he got to the conference "send me a picture of you and the dog". (Which is often a sign to me that he's been drinking-weird how we can sense those things through innocent texts). And then a 4am phone call. Message left by him: "I'm not going to be around , I'm sorry I wasn't a better boy friend. I love you tell your family I love them". Number-Unknown. Panic. Detective work and a call to his mom. Pulled over for a dwi. He went to treatment in Janurary, relapse in February..claims to have 6 weeks of sobriety. Taking with his mom..putting pieces together. He's been drinking since exiting rehab; aside from random urine test and day treatment and intensive outpatient. He's in active relapse. Lied about sober living (exited after 30 days on his terms to go back with other woman). So many lies so many manipulations. It's hard to keep the focus on me. What I need when a crying person calls you from jail saying "it's not going to be ok, I failed, I love you". It's hard not getting emotionally swept in when this is the man I spent 12 years with. He is so sick. I can't help him. I'm so hurt by his lies yet see him struggling. It pains me how naive I was and still am believing him- what's more hurtful is that the other woman thinks she's invincible to this and that he's only telling me the lies but everything he tells to her is truth. I can't make his parents see how she really is, I can't make her see how he really is and I can't make him recognize that the only one he needs in his life right now is him self and his family. I let him manipulate me again. I believed things I shouldn't have about his recovery. I detached but not enough. And I got swept back in. so why am i not pissed off at him and don't want to speak with him again? Why am I upset with everyone else when it's me that really truly has control over me? I hate this disease. I hate what it's done to this man-i wish I didn't know what he was like before because it makes it harder to see who he is now. And how could someone newly fall in love with this man? It's hard not to protect him from someone that is unstable her self-who puts on one face for his parents and yet is just as manipulative as their son is. It's hard knowing that she's probably a great person...and yet so broken that she's spiraling down with him in a different way because of her own co dependency. I hate how the disease controlled my life and yet now that I am taking control again; it's rearing its ugly head.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

It sounds like your doing well. Making plans for your future and thinking about your happiness. To be honest it still seems like you are obsessed with him and his life and he seems to know this unfortunately. He sounds like a player. Keeping you in the wings for when he gets sick of this other girl or for when its over then your waiting on him to take him back. Alcoholism is no excuse for his infidelity but it sounds like your lumping it in with his disease and accepting it as part and parcel of it.
You sound like a really nice person with many lovely assets like compassion, understanding and forgiveness, all good, all what we strive for in Alanon but its for us, to improve our lives not for the alcoholic to continue with unacceptable behaviour that is actually detrimental to our own self esteem. This man seems to be really good at having enablers and setting up some spare ones just in case. When this is his motivation do you think its likely he will reach a rock bottom where everyone lets him fall? The dog would be a big issue for me, I would let him have it for good or keep it myself and break my ties completely.

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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 65
Date:

Thank you for your response. I recognize where I am and where I need to be. I recognize my head has more control than my heart and that a few months in al anon doesn't give me all the tools to help 12 years of feelings and experiences with my ex ABF. I recognize my obsession now is cyclical rather than constant however. That this event is not consuming my whole brain space. I know what I can control and what I can't. I know that many of my feelings of anger towards others are just displaced feelings of self of things I'm not ready to take ownership of. I also recognize that my role in enabling isn't the only one that I'm doing my part the best I can given where I'm at. I don't expect this to be a smooth or fast transition. Nor expect others to agree with the path I'm taking to get there. This too is my journey and my journey alone. This event of the past week is testing me in where I am, help me see where I've come and helping me see what I need to do next.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

Hey Crau - good to 'see' ya and good to 'hear' you! I am glad to see that you're out and on your own.....I love the progress you have made. As 2 of my qualifiers are my boys, I struggle with boundaries that would be no contact. I know for me that no matter how 'well' I am or how long I've been in the program, they have the ability to work on me in ways that others can not. I believe that's sort of true in the case with your XABF - and I do understand.

It's taken me a long while to place boundaries that truly protect me without punishing them. My boundaries annoy them and anger them at times, but they do not punish them. As you process all that you feel after this week and what you've learned, focus on progress because that's what it's about...for me, as more and more and even more was revealed, I was better able to solidify or change boundaries as needed.

I hope that you can see that where you are today is better than where you were when you arrived - Progress.
I hope that you can see how emotional attachment to a diseased alcoholic is often a barrier to moving forward - Progress.
I hope you aren't beating yourself up for listening and trusting him - I also want to believe in healing and have hope for my qualifiers - Progress.
I hope you realize that the disconnect you have between your head and heart is common - I can relate - Progress for 'seeing' it.

I'll let you take a look at the rest of what you've written and look for what is good and/or what is working vs. what could be improved. This is not an easy journey and seeing the progress will hopefully help you see that it is a journey worth continuing. i see it as you do - more has been revealed to you - learn from that, pray about that and keep doing the next right thing!

Know that you're not alone...I've been where you are - keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

((((Crau)))) Love and serenity...you've done good work and have more to do.  In time with the aid of your HP and the program I can see/imagine a force of recovery that lots will be grateful for.  Your eyesight is very clear and you ask clear questions that have to do with Crau finding Crau and that is awesome cause it is what the program teaches and encourages for us.  You have come a long way and I pray and encourage you further.  I have a mental picture of when I let go of my alcoholic/addict and was stunned as a male that I could cry so openly and deeply at the panic and loss and thank HP for my home group and sponsor who surrounded me with love and compassion and support.  You have all of that also...Let go completely... we are here with you.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:


((( Crau )))) Please excuse me if my post is a bit strange -
I'm new to message boards & discovered the Al Anon program two years ago.
You know the wisdom of the Al Anon program much better than myself.

I want to show my concern...acknowledge...validate... your pain and frustration and heartbreak.

The slogan Let Go and Let God came to mind as I  read your message.


I wonder if you are someone who feels the power of music?
If so, I wanted to suggest two songs for you to "absorb"

1st song - Reba McEntire's Myself Without You

a few lyrics ---
So many dreams that I had to let go
But now I know
That the world still turns and the sun still burns
And that's what I've learned without you
And the days roll on and my heart gets stronger too
Don't think I didn't love you
Just because I made it through
But I learned to love myself without you


2nd song - Reba McEntire & Leann Rimes - When You Love Someone Like That

lyrics ---
I couldn't change him He was gonna break my heart
I saw it coming Yeah, I knew it from the start
When you love (When you love)
When you love someone like that
When you give what you can't take back
When you love (When you love)
With all your heart and soul
It's so hard to let it go
When you love someone like that, yeah
When you love someone like that
Girl, it aint right, it just aint right
Don't tell yourself that it was you
You followed your heart, you gave it your best
There's nothing more you can do



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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 65
Date:

It's been a trying week and a test for sure. Greatest came today. A lot happened-things I maybe could have prevented others that were inevitable. He said he was leaving her and I said "good but you can't come back home" and he paused and wasn't expecting that response. I told him that I couldn't take the chaos of that and that no way not even should he be in relationship with anyone right now..as truly he's just 11 days sober after relaps and 4 months post treatment. I welcomed chaos back into my life; things were said by him that confused the crap out of me and made me question what it is I truly am doing by holding on still. A long term relationship just like a marriage-so much easier for others to say let go like its that easy. It's not and yet today made me see that I'm doing better at finding my voice and standing my ground. So letting go of my old self in a way and making room for what's next.

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