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Post Info TOPIC: Blindsided


Senior Member

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Blindsided


I always thought my mother and I were very close.  We live in different states and we talked on the phone quite frequently until my AH hit his rock bottom.   I called her the other day just to check in as she had been sick and she is almost 80 so sometimes I worry.   The conversation was very cold on her end.   Some of the things she said got me to thinking, she is angry at me that I love an Alcoholic. So I finally came out and asked her.  My father was an Alcoholic and he died at a young age of the complications of his alcoholism.   She said to me which was hurtful at the time but I guess I have to respect because at almost 80 years old there is little chance of her changing her views on the subject..."I am very sad that you made the choice to marry an alcoholic.  You would think after everything you saw growing up and the way it made us all suffer you would have ran the other way.  It makes me mad that you got yourself into this.  I have tried to wipe all those memories away and just knowing that you have an alcoholic brings them all back and causes me so much pain"   Wow!   My first reaction was to JADE but I just have to accept and understand her position.   I love my mother very much and I am at a loss as to how to feel about this.   I am thinking I should probably just let my HP handle this but at almost 80 years old I am fearful that I will not be able to make peace with her before its her time.    I rarely shared anything with her about my AH drinking prior but she knew something was wrong with me I was always angry, anxious and off center.   When he went to rehab I did tell her because she called me once and I was in tears.   I am just not sure about this little blip.



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Suzann


~*Service Worker*~

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Suzann - I believe what you witnessed with your mother is the stretch or range this disease has. She's not been able to make peace with her own choices/journey and I hear her broken heart. I agree that JADE and also QTIP apply - she's reliving her own experience and it's her truth for right now. I believe her anger, while directed at you, is more at the disease. I do believe letting go and letting God is an awesome answer. Even in recovery, we often face things that bruise our core in ways we never expected. Know that you aren't alone - and continuing to keep the focus on you is the best way to get through this.

I have written many letters to others regarding things like this. Most were never sent or given to the other person, but it's a way to say what I feel to help me process the emotions. I am sorry that she's in pain and you're also in pain - just try to direct the anger back to the source - the disease and diseased - vs. the person.

(((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Suzann, I can see it two ways. She is maybe reliving her own pain and is angry that "your relationship with your A" is making her feel her own pain over and over again.

OR- she loves you so much and she is angry that she is seeing YOU having to go through what she went through and she thought she could "get rid of it" for you by never mentioning it again, and now she is angry with herself for not teaching you about alcoholism and how to recognize it before you made your relationship with your AH.

Either way she is suffering. Make sure she knows you are happy with the choices you made and that it has made you a better person.

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maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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It sounds to me as if your mother was very authentic with you. That is a closeness many families don't have.  She also knows her own feelings - again something many families do not experience.

Your mother knows the pain of alcoholism and feels sad, angry, and guilty that her own choices were part of the reason that you thought alcoholism was normal and familiar enough to choose to live with it yourself. 

Our A's often want to pretend that their disease does not have any effects on other people, and they become distressed and disapproving when we give them the feedback about our own unhappiness in response to their choices.  Now it's true that it's up to us to manage our feelings, and not our alcoholic's responsibility.  At the same time, alcoholism causes damage and pain in families and relationships, and it's not our job to pretend that that's not true, and to pretend that we're not sad and disappointed that alcoholism is what it is.  To pretend that would be enabling - protecting the alcoholic from the consequences of his choices.

I suggest that the same is true about your choices.  Alcoholism causes damage and pain in families and relationships, and it's not your mother's job to pretend that that's not true, and to pretend that she's not sad and disappointed that alcoholism is what it is.  That would be enabling - pretending that your own choices don't have consequences.

I hope I am not being harsh.  It sounds to me as if you have what we all crave - a mother who's behaving in emotionally healthy ways.  It's painful when one's mother is angry or disappointed.  Those are the emotions that often follow from alcoholism.  But she's speaking honestly and caringly.  Even though I know it must be difficult to hear.  That's my understanding of it.  Take good care of yourself.

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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I too believe that "Mom"s was being honest, open and willing and I can understand her position. I  spoke similar words to my son when he picked up booze.

I would work this out with my sponsor and uncover an appropriate response, one that acknowledges her feelings and also supports your choices.


Please remember alcoholism is a family disease and unless recovery is selected by all the family members we tend to repeat patterns from the past . Celebrate the fact that you are in recovery and offer her some alanon literature. .



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Posts: 111
Date:

The thought process and reflection that you are doing now is excellent. Rather than reacting and responding, you are 'reasoning things out' with your program friends, using your tools and also being compassionate to your mother's perspective.

Your mother could be angry at the disease, or perhaps feeling some 'guilt' that because of 'her', you made the same choices she did. We can never really know what or why someone is thinking or reacting as they do, but experience has taught me that what other people 'think' has less to do with 'me' then I would believe. As others have stated, this is indeed a 'family' disease, and we are all in this together, regardless of our individual stories and experiences. If she was another member sitting in a meeting room, how would you interpret her words and perspective?

Hugs,
Cyndi

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"There will be an answer.  Let it be." ~ The Beatles



Senior Member

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Posts: 139
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Hello Suzann,

My mother is also in her 80s' (83 to be exact). Many times I would like to share with mom, my thoughts, feelings etc. about my AH and Al-anon but often it would lead to the two of us being disappointed with each other. I think it's because we're coming from two different perspective on alcoholism. I am learning not to touch on the subject with mom, in the same way that I do not with my husband, not to JADE with them because it will lead nowhere.
But one thing is true in this situation, you love your mom very much and she too loves you very much. She wouldn't want you to go thru the pain she went thru with your dad, she knows and feels the pain and she would have done anything and everything to spare you of that. But then again we know that we are powerless, you're mom knew that too. If I could turn back the hands of time I myself will not marry an alcoholic but then again we are powerless over people, events, places and time. But then there is GOD who will take care of us, who is POWERFUL over everything and anything. God loves us truly and He will take care of us, he will straighten our path if we will just completely surrender to His will.
Let's continue loving our mothers in a "very special way" because our relationships are somewhat strange compared to other families who are not afflicted. The world around us may not understand, keep coming back, we are here to share our ESH, we who have known and have felt the damage alcohol has brought to our lives.

Love and (((Hugs))),
Jocel

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~*Service Worker*~

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I believe she is acting like a Mom who has suffered the effects of alcoholism in her life and is worried about her child suffering the same thing. No matter how old we get, Moms want to protect their children from harm. It is painful to love an alcoholic and I believe it is painful to be an alcoholic. She knows it and perhaps wishes she could influence the outcome for you.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 134
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I think it was on a post here that I read it takes 5 generations to heal from addiction. I don't know how scientific that statement might be, but it makes sense to me; each generation moving slowly towards a healthier way of life. Progress not perfection.

My mother has been married to three men each with different mental health issues. She has found peace but reflecting on her choices in love, it makes some sense to me that my siblings and I have struggled to define and seek out healthy relationships.

She might be disappointed or upset about our choices, but really we are all doing the best we can with what we've got. And I have to believe that being in alanon is helping me unravel my issues so my son will have a little less insanity in his life.

I can accept both her discernment, and my own choices - she wanted me to be healthier and happier than herself and I can appreciate that sentiment. I have distanced myself from her when she makes judgemental comments though, it is painful and generally unhelpful to hear her criticisms of me and my past choices. I shut it down a few times and now she no longer mentions it.

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Dandelion

A weed is a flower you haven't met yet.



Senior Member

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Posts: 313
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Thank you all for your insight. We did talk a little bit tonight and it was a tad easier. I think the alcoholism needs to be a topic to be avoided for now. My mom was also a child of an alcoholic and I think she sees some of herself. In speaking with another Ala-non member, in my old ways I would be resentful of her as she attracted the same time of man I did. She allowed me to grow up in that environment thinking it was normal. Im not resentful of her though. I don't appreciate her judgmental statements however. Just because my A is an alcoholic doesn't make him a bad person, he's not a leper. In fact, aside from the alcoholism he is a great guy. I couldn't imagine being married to anyone else. I could have dealt with a little less chaos, but I have vivid memories of my father creating a little more. I have memories of my parents fighting over me and pulling me in different directions. My sister who is in the early stages of her alcoholism and 4 years younger are currently not on speaking terms because of my memories. According to her it never happened and I shouldn't be speaking ill of my father. Different memories I guess I refuse to JADE with her as well. Thanks for the qtip as well, they both have every right to their opinions and beliefs as I do mine. Doesn't mean I don't love any of them.

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Suzann


~*Service Worker*~

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(((Suzann))) - great program work and lovely processing. It is in respecting others and accepting them exactly as they are that I found the most peace of mind. It doesn't mean I don't get upset or disappointed or .... (insert emotion here), but knowing they have their own journey and their own HP (and it's not me) truly helps me live and let live!

Have a great Sunday!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:

I still believe that mom is an un- recovered alaononic and would benefit from our literature and possibly meetings. Most uninformed people, who have not participated in a recovery program feel as you mom does.

Since she is holding on to much "past resentments" and anger, she would benefit from working the inventory Steps so she can learn from the past and leave the pain in the past.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
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