If telling someone's mother that the person is an alcoholic helped get people into recovery, all mothers would know and all alcoholics would be in recovery.

Your mother sounds desperate (understandably) to do something that makes a difference.  And she's inexperienced at the ways of alcoholism, so she harbors the hope that this step would make that difference.  As you know, it would not.  It's touching that your mother thinks that a mother's disapproval would solve everyone's bad behavior!  Alas, it does not.  That's if his mother even believed you.  When you have no evidence of something, it's very hard to believe that it's so.  But anyway, it's pointless - it just would be stirring up a wasp's nest.  Plus, it's what's called "triangulating" - a dysfunctional move - instead of dealing with the person directly, you drag a third party into the equation.  Then there's massive drama and everyone gets even more upset.

Really, everyone is responsible for their own relationship with the A, and no one else's.  I understand why your mother would be anxious to do something to end your pain - that's the way mothers are.  And it may well be that she guesses more about what you've been through than you think.  In fact, it may also be that your A's mother suspects more than you can tell.  But your own "side of the street" is just you and the A.  That's where the tools of Al-Anon come in.  Hope you will take good care of yourself.

I hope you have found a face-to-face meeting?  No one should have to deal with the craziness without tools and support.

In Al-Anon we are taught not to create a crisis and not to prevent one.  That is, we let the consequences of alcoholism take their natural course - not on us, but on the drinker - as consequences are the only thing that help people realize they need recovery.  Which, sadly, they often do not ever realize.  But if they do, it's because the consequences of drinking are too bad and apparent to them.

So my thought is that this means that we don't manufacture a crisis for them - that's just adding chaos and manipulation to the picture.  But also we don't prevent one.  So that means that you also don't have to cover up for him if , for instance, his mother called and he was hung over or passed out and couldn't come to the phone.  Not to say what you should or should not do.  But just to say that "not telling" his mother doesn't have to mean "being careful to conceal it" from his mother if it comes up naturally.

Hope you'll keep coming back!  Hugs.

Hey Fedora - when I try to force solutions for anybody but me, it typically backfires. I have learned in this program that I am only responsible for me, my thoughts, my attitudes, actions and reactions. Anytime another gets involved, the drama/chaos does increase and I am trying hard to have less of that.

Boundaries come to mind, and I had to impose them with my parents. My sponsor suggested that I spend time with my parents talking about 'what's working well in my life' instead of 'what's not working well.' So, we created a boundary that my marriage was off-limits. I did not come straight out and say, "Conversations about my marriage are off-limits"....instead anytime they asked about my AH, I would say he's doing what he does - hey how is ________________? Or he's doing what he does, what's your weather like? I just kept redirecting the discussions and a little bit of this changed the entire dynamics of our discussions and relationships.

I speak of my marriage/family issues with my sponsor and/or trusted friends only. Those who are related to me or are close friends, but have no recovery do not understand this disease and offer solutions for 'Earth People' that do not apply to 'us'. By changing my choice of topics with my parents, we are closer than we've been in our adult lives. It is a parent's job to worry - when I keep my worries within my hula-hoop, they and I find more peace.

The anonymous element of the program suggests to me it's not my responsibility to tell anybody else anything about anyone. That principle is to protect ourselves and our qualifiers. When I stay on my side of the street, I am concerned for me - not my qualifier, my parents, his parents or others affected by the disease. When the meddler's begin to pry, I will say, I am working on it - life is better. If they keep prying, I have invited several to attend an Al-Anon meeting. Suggesting a recovery meeting/program to people in denial is a great way to get them refocused, or so I've learned in my situation.

So, keep the focus on you, your program and your recovery. Allow your husband the dignity and respect he deserves to walk his journey by detaching and finally, establish some boundaries to keep that hula-hoop waist high.....you'll be amazed at how much influence you actually have when you work this program to have the desired relationship(s) with those you love!!

(((Hugs)))

This topic really hits home with me. My AH does not have a really good relationship with either of his parents. Both of his parents are recovering Alcoholics. His mother has almost 30 years of sobriety under her belt. His father pretends that he is still sober. They are divorced for many years and the bitterness between them is almost tangible. You cannot have a conversation with either of them that a poisonous dart isn't thrown about the other. Anyway, I made that mistake of ratting out my AH to his father when he came for a visit. He asked a question about his sons drinking and I told the truth. I am grateful in that his father was able to convince him that he had a problem and he needed to go to rehab. But also it put me in a very awkward position. His mother still calls me instead of her son. On one occasion his father called me very late at night and was obviously drunk and the conversation ended up crossing some boundaries. I now have to limit my contact with him. Which is a shame because I liked him as a person. I did not display the dignity and respect my AH deserved as a grown man and I will always regret that. That's just my experience however.