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Post Info TOPIC: changes in my husband's drinking pattern.. i should be happy but i'm not... how do i process this?


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changes in my husband's drinking pattern.. i should be happy but i'm not... how do i process this?


So there's a change in my husband's drinking habit. He doesn't go home in the wee hours, like a cinderella he's home by 12 mn and because the time is short, he was not able to drink as much.  I thought I should be happy, i thought it was my husband's self determination... i learned that the reason for this is that my husband talked with my mom about my reaction to his drinking and i further learned that it was my mom's suggestion that if my AH would like to go for a drink with his friends he should be home by midnight...  i don't know what to feel, i should be happy and thankful but i am having mixed emotion.  I feel angry towards my mom for "intruding", i've always felt my mom is controlling and manipulative, always the "know what's best".  I love my mom dearly,  I try my best despite our so many differences, to always love her and respect her.  I already told her that all the advices and ways they (she and my other relatives) taught me didn't make my situation better.  Looking back, some of the things I did are manipulative and selfish.  I think I am getting better in Al-anon.  I told her I don't want to enable my husband, that I am in Al-anon and that I really don't want anything to do with my husband's drinking, it's his business.  I don't want to take care of my husband's drinking issue, it's between him and God.    My mom is a very conservative catholic, i think.  I too am a catholic, a practicing one, but i believe i am an "open" catholic.  When I told her that I am thinking of separating from my husband because i am so affected by his drinking, she did not like the idea. To her it's not a reason to separate, it's not the worse.  I too would like to hold on to my marriage but I should let go and let God, my mom believes in this too but it seems we apply it differently.  I know I should be happy with the changes but I am somewhat disappointed... I don't know how to process this.  

I'm sorry for letting it all out here, but you're all I have and whatever Al-anon literatures and materials I could find on the internet, there's no f2f in my country, no sponsors, and I haven't found anyone who's into Al-anon no



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I do believe that being powerless over people, places and things I could easily accept his efforts and let go and let God. By accepting life on life's terms i would keep the focus on myself and detach

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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(((Jocel))) - your scenario above is exactly what caused me to stop giving my parents updates on my life and well-being. My mother, with the best of intentions, either shared beyond my comfort and/or inserted herself trying to force a solution. I learned to keep my program efforts, my feelings about the disease and my concern/stories private (sponsor and Al-Anon) just so our relationship would not be affected by outsider's beliefs, values, opinions and more.

It was a hard habit to break - I, like so many, often shared the good, bad and ugly with my parents. However, I decided this was selfish of me - my qualifiers' have a right to their own privacy and their story is not mine to share. Also, my mother is a perpetual worrier, so it truly took away from my relationship with then. They are also getting up there in age, and I certainly do not want them to pass from this Earth worrying about their only daughter and 'baby'....I am the youngest.

Sharing here is perfectly great - hopefully it gave you a bit of peace just to 'talk about it'. Letting Go and Letting God may be different for folks, but the common denominator is a power greater than us. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!!

(((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Hi Betty,

Pardon me, but I can't seem to understand what you're trying to say, please explain some more.
I've been trying to detach, in fact lately when my husband comes home earlier, I don't make a big deal out of it because it's his call not mine. What bothers me more right now is my mom. I don't understand her, probably it's the "no separation" principle she holds on to. I don't know. There's a drinking session going on in our house right this very moment, my husband, my brother, and my cousins and in-laws. I was really bothered about my mom's remark because I don't want to mingle with them. She's prodding me to go out and talk to my cousin whose husband is also out there drinking. I told my mom I already said hello to her and that i'm just inside the house if she wants to have a chat. I told my mom I wouldn't go out there where they are drinking. My mom made a remark that of course you're cousin will not go in because she's attending to her husband, as if trying to tell me to do the same. I told her I will not do as my cousin does. I will not control nor tell my husband not to drink but I wouldn't be where I don't like to be. A realization came to me... I have always been bothered when my mom disapproves of my actions because she makes me feel i've done something really wrong.

Jocel

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Hi Iamhere,
Glad to hear from you, unfortunately I live with my mom, she's widowed and by circumstances we live with her. I'm sort of in a difficult situation right now (please see my reply to Betty). I'm trying to hold on and be strong. I love my mom but truly I will not allow her to make me do things that I think will do me more harm than good.
(((Hugs back to you))) I'm really really glad you are here, right now at this very minute :)
Jocel

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It sounds like your mom is really pushing you to be an enabler and not to dare disagree with her.  But part of being an adult is making your own decisions and whether your mom likes it or not, you're not five years old any more and that's what you're doing.  It sounds like your mom is very much into "keeping up appearances" and "pretending nothing is wrong" and "go along to get along."  That's some powerful enabling.  When we start to change, people typically have a big "Change back!!" reaction.  If you stand your ground - you don't have to explain why or convince her - it will get easier and easier to make your own decisions.  It sounds like there's a lot of tension in the house with an active drinker and a pushy mom, and your strength in this chaos will serve you well.

The other thing is that no alcoholic I've ever known was able to keep to a rule to stop drinking by a certain hour.  He may be able to white-knuckle it for a while, but after a while, if he's like the alcoholics I've known, he'll be back to his old ways.  If your mom were bossy enough to boss alcoholics out of drinking, she'd be in demand the world over!  But unfortunately, drinking is only in the control of the drinker.  So the problem of her bossing him around, I predict, will have an end date.  Then on to the next thing - but the tools of Al-Anon are there for you no matter what comes.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Aha - I did not realize you share a residence. So, she sees what she sees, thinks what she thinks and that's what it is right now. The good news - you as an individual can still detach....it's harder when you co-exist, but possible with help from the program.

It will take working the program, learning how to detach, and setting up boundaries. Your last sentence is one that you should look at and read carefully - you are bothered when your mom disapproves.....I can so relate, and had to completely reevaluate that entire thinking. Truly, even though my mother has a different style and personality than me, she is always proud of me and loves me - she just doesn't say it or share it. If I am able to be true to myself, the judgement and words of another are truly none of my business. The program taught me that.

You have a right to share that you are not comfortable around alcohol consumption. You have a right to a peaceful existence, no matter where you live or with whom. These are gifts I also got from the program. How we get 'there' is often a little different because we and our situations are different.

My hope is some others will come along and share some ESH with you - I've got an appointment I have to run out to....but know that there is always hope - no matter how difficult it seems.

(((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Hi Jocel,

Your mother, or any family member or friend for that matter, will feel what they feel, think what they think, from their own personal perspective. (religious beliefs, personal experience etc) This is OKAY - we are all entitled to our thoughts and feelings. However, it doesn't mean your mother or other family members are RIGHT. Only YOU know what your boundaries should be, and only YOU can continue to honor them. There is a saying , 'what other people think is none of my business'.

There are some acronyms I use to help ease my frustration if someone is inserting themselves in my business or inviting me to an argument. One is 'STOP'. When your mother is doing her thing and inserting herself you could say:

'Sorry you feel that way'.
'T'hat's your opinion.
'Oh?'
'P'erhaps you're right.

And leave it at that. We acknowledge that we have heard the other person but we do not have to agree or do what they say. Also , We don't have to try and 'JADE' anyone to our way of thinking. JADE stands for - we don't need to 'Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain' why we feel what we feel or do what we do.

And finally, these tools are ways for us NOT to 'pick up the rope'. We always have a choice as to whether to engage in an conversation, and we do not have to attend every argument we are invited to.

Hugs,
Cyndi

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"There will be an answer.  Let it be." ~ The Beatles



~*Service Worker*~

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When i was going thru my divorce i refused
To discuss it with my mother. She was not
Really Supportive and was trying to control
me.

I had to lay down major boundaries with her
Even After my xah was out of the picture.

Self protect With very firm boundaries, limit chit
chat, go About your business of living, self focus,
try To stay in your own hula hoop and stay on your
side Of the street.

Do the best you can with what you have to work
With. Sending you a big warm hug.


(((((( jocel)))))


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Senior Member

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Mattie you hit the nail right in the head about my mother, and my husband is very aware of her personality and he's found a seal of approval from her for last night's drinking.

Truly AH can be very cunning, he knows I can no longer be the "scapegoat" for drinking so he found one in my mom and my other relatives. I woke up this morning feeling the "old way". I didn't have a good sleep because AH keeps on mumbling in his sleep and occupying the whole bed for himself. He's acting as if he found a whole battalion of force against me, back to his good old days when he uses my old behavior as justification. The past scenarios keeps flashing in my mind and I could only pray to God to please help me get thru.

So I'm back to 1 and I'm really thankful to all of you for all the ESH, means a lot! Thank you for all the encouragement, I'm getting back on my feet, standing firm on my grounds. By God's Grace I'll continue loving and detaching, keeping the faith that God is holding me now and that He will lead me to His Will.

((((Big Hug))))


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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Jocelgo  The title of your initial posting stated :

changes in my husband's drinking pattern.. i should be happy but i'm not... how do i process this?
Permalink Reply Quote 
More indicator.png
 

I responding to the title of the posting, asking How do I process this?   I suggested that by accepting  that I was powerless over people, places and thing allowed me to accept his  actions or change in drinking pattern while I attempted to live life on life's terms and not my own  

Detaching from his actions, acting in my own interest and keeping the focus on myself are all powerful  recovery tools 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Not saying this is a good way to view things, but I know many of us felt like our qualifiers were having a love affair with alcohol. Hence, hearing that you are only getting cheated on "until midnight" and with thumbs up from inlaws? Understandable why you would not be jumping for joy.

Detachment remains the best tool. Stick close to the program!



-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 27th of April 2016 09:00:57 PM

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Senior Member

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Thanks Betty and pinkchip. I'll keep coming back and holding on (((hugs)))

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