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Post Info TOPIC: Am I overreacting?


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Am I overreacting?


 I have been married for 12 years. We have three children and I am concerned with what my children are seeing. My in-laws drink every evening after they get off of work. Overtime we have asked them to please not drink whenever they have the kids over. It always concerns me, what they are seeing. Are the grandparents being good role models? My husband doesn't think it is a big deal because he has grown up around it. He, himself has told me stories about his childhood that are pretty embarrassing. Which makes me concerned about what goes on at their house, when my kids are around and I am not there. I feel that that have a problem. Am I wrong? My father in law drinks whiskey and coke everyday. Sometimes even while he is working and my mother in law drinks rum and coke. i know they get drunk bc I will get crazy texts randomly that won't make any sense. So as a mom it worries me. 

Last year at the lake they took the kids with them and we met them there the next day. When we showed up, my son had a band aid on his head. Come to find out he had fallen and cut his head open. He should've gotten stiches. First of all I'm upset bc they did not call me to tell me what happened. Instead they tried hiding and ignoring the whole ordeal and telling us it wasn't a big deal. My older Children told me that they had been drinking and papa said he wasnt going to drive him to the hospital. I also found out that same night my mother in law thought it was funny to play a joke of papa and replace his water with rum. My kids were laughing while they were telling me this bc they thought it was funny. I do not find this funny. I had my last draw, so I told them that if they couldn't stop drinking in front of the kids that they were no Longer allowed over their house or without us being their. Needless to say that did not go over well and we have had issues ever since. my mother in law calls my husband anytime she doesn't succeed with me (on having the kids over) and guilt trips him causing issues between us. 

I need advice. am i overreacting or should I stand my ground? How do I get my husband to be on my side and not get sucked into their guilt trips?

please help!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello and welcome Mommy I do not think that you are over reacting and do support your position. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease that not only hurts the person who drinks but the entire family. Alanon is a fantastic support group for family members who are living with the disease . Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
The meetings have ample literature that is available some free of charge that explains the disease concept and the tools to cope.
I would suggest that you and hubby search out these meetings , listen to the shares, pickup some literature and then discus the subject regarding his parents .

Remembering that this are a disease removes any condemnation of them but places the concern for your children safety at the forefront. Please keep coming back

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Welcome, Mommyof3!

Sending hugs your way. I've been in your shoes. My in-laws are also alcoholics. My husband was raised in that environment, as well. Fortunately, for his sake, his grandparents lived with them. So, he was essentially raised by his grandmother, who was a very sweet woman, who did her best to be there for him. Unfortunately, he learned that drinking was acceptable. I knew my husband, when we were teenagers, and had good memories of his family. However, I didn't know everything.

Before he and I were married, and just after we were engaged, we went to dinner with his parents. While we were at dinner, his parents both ordered several drinks. As the dinner progressed, his Mom became extremely loud. She shared a lot of stories about my husband's nieces and nephews, and was saying some very derogatory things and using language that really upset me. Not only that, but she was sharing stories about my husband, very loudly, that were not good stories to share in a public place. At that time, my husband was not drinking. The whole situation embarrassed him. That night, he shared his feelings with me. He was actually crying. He was embarrassed for himself, and embarrassed for me.

The next day, I stopped by his parents' house, and asked if we could talk. His Mom invited me in. She was perfectly fine with me until I brought up the night before. I told her that I had really enjoyed our time until we were further into the dinner, and shared that my husband had been embarrassed by the stories she shared, so loudly, in the restaurant, after a few drinks. I was extremely naļve to the whole alcoholism thing, and didn't know what I was getting myself into. She became extremely angry. That's when I noticed the glass in front of us, that, of course, included alcohol. It was only 11:30 in the morning. She asked me to leave, and told me she never wanted to talk to me about drinking. She said it was none of my business.

Sadly, my FIL has been dealing with Alzheimer's disease for the past 10 years. She allows him to drink, which is probably her way of medicating him, so that he will go to sleep in the middle of the day. I guess it might make her life easier. Unfortunately, both of them have fallen many times. My SIL is also a closet alcoholic. She protects them, and handles things many times without us knowing. However, if she can't be reached, or is out of town, we have been called to help. Both of them have had to go to the hospital for falls. Fortunately, my sons, and my stepdaughter are older, and we don't have to be concerned about their welfare, if they are there.

You have the safety of your children to be concerned about. I'm sorry that you feel in the middle. I do too. There have been many times, in our married life, that my MIL has shut me out. Some time it was because of my husband, and his actions. Other times, it has been because of hers. She is still in denial of her own drinking problem, but will be the first to point out my husband's issues. It certainly is a sickness, and it hurts families.

I'm finished with hurting. I haven't spoken with my MIL since my husband's last drinking episode. I think she knows about it, but really doesn't want to talk about it. Sending you hugs, as you sort this all out. You are not alone. You have come to a good place to recognize that you are valuable, and your children are too.

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Life is short, so make it beautiful and sweet.



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Thank you. Knowing that I'm not overreacting makes me feel better. However, I just don't know what to do. I feel for my husband and that he loves his parents but I'm tired of giving them chances and nothing changing. I'm tired of them saying that our kids are going to drink too when they grow up and to get over it. Ive been trying to shut them out but my mother in law is soo good at making my husband feel guilty. If she wants to see her grandkids and be trusted alone with them she needs to change. They need to change. I feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't get out of. I'm the hated one because I rocked the boat. They truly feel that I'm the only one that has the problem with the drinking because it's never bothered my husband before. It does bother him but then he ends up feeling bad and it's causing issues between us. This just sucks!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Mommyof3 - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared. I had a similar experience - but it was my mother. She began to drink daily after they retired and she had no business driving at all let alone driving my children and/or having them in her home. I truly had to get feedback from program folks as I wanted to take my children, put them in a cave and keep them from any/all harm (that's how I acted/reacted)....

It was heart-breaking for me to watch and deal with. My parents are the only grand-parents my children knew. My AH's parents passed before we met. So, it was truly horrible to deal with. What I ended up doing was asking my mother not to drink around my kids. She drank any way. I then just limited them and ended up planning more events for all of us. It stunk for me as she was my primary support/babysitting person. I just nicely took away alone time from them and drove every where we needed to go/be and do.

I could not and would not ever take away the right for my children to know their only grandparents - even with their issues, warts and dysfunction. I felt I would regret that so ended up working out a solution that I could live with. My children are 24 and 22 and still joke about a few times when grandma was boozy and tried to play their game boys. I never judged my mom around my children and never would.

Get creative and have an open mind. I am sure you can find an answer that will work for all. The program is a wonderful way to consider more answers than our own. Glad you joined us - keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Thanks, so glad to hear of a similar situation. Any advice on how to talk to the kids about them not being able to stay the night at their house? I've been trying to find excuses or make plans to avoid when she asks to have the kids over but I can't do it forever.

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~*Service Worker*~

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When my son was small, I just said, "Your dad doesn't always make good decisions, so..." [you can't spend the night at his house/go camping with him/etc.]  I overheard him once talking to a friend - the friend said, "Why can't you spend the night at your dad's?"  "My dad doesn't always make good decisions," my son said matter-of-factly.

When he got older we started talking about alcohol and how people who drink too much have their thinking distorted so they think they're fine, but they take risks and make bad choices and don't even realize it.  How a certain (high) percentage of people have inherited a thing which means that once they start drinking, it becomes compulsive, and then they're caught and have a terrible time stopping, and they don't even realize how bad things are because of their faulty thinking.  So far he has taken all this in with great seriousness and understanding.  Fingers crossed.

Since your kids might already have heard the excuses of the other side, it would probably help to acknowledge that those who are on the cycle of compulsive drinking will use any excuse to defend their habits.  They will probably also feel sad and distressed for their grandparents.  You'll want to emphasize how "explaining the problem" to them won't make any difference, or they'll want to go tell the grandparents and "make it all right" (an impulse we've all had, and sadly useless, as you know).  It doesn't have to be a one-time conversation - ongoing is probably the most helpful.  And I always remember what my father said to me: "I hope you never, ever do that."  He was not an alcoholic, but the seriousness of his words stuck with me.



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I was 9 years old when my grandmother turned me on to alcohol in the midst of my mothers strong rejections...it didn't work of course and at the age of 37 I had lived long enough to reach recovery after all of the chaos and near fatal events alcoholics go thru.  Yes I am alcoholic and I am also affected by familial alcoholism and have married alcoholics and addicts and such.  Being that I am still breathing and a member of both programs I am truly a miracle in progress.   Are you over reacting...I don't think so.  You might have different ways of stating your objections however in our program if someone else's drinking  bothers you, you are responsible for how you respond and we do not have stringent rules about how we are to act4 and react to it.  We get to make the choices and no one tells us how we must do it.  We make suggestions based upon our own experiences, strengths and hopes and then the other person gets to take what they like and leave the rest for later or when or wherever.   When I was 9 my mom "went off" on her mothers decision to get her grand-children involved in alcohol...she did because she was the daughter of the disease and the sister of it also.  I applaud her efforts work or not...she did the best with what she had and eventually God and the program took care of the rest...she didn't want sons who were addicted and God and the programs did that for her...my brothers didn't fare so well and neither have their children though I don't know how they all are doing with their drinking problems today I do know that when I stopped drinking the whole family thought there was something wrong with me...lol  I had to separate myself from my family by suggestion from my sponsorship and that worked out very, very well.  It also including wives and other relationships.

You are not over reacting...maybe in comparison with what I have done you are a bit under reacting for now.  Look into the Al-Anon Fellowship in your area and find out where and when they hold face to face meetings.  Take your husband and participate and keep coming back here too.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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Mommyof3 - as mine got older, they were less interested in staying @ the grandparents. They played sports so they were busy every Saturday morning and we had sports or church on Sunday mornings. My parents were also relieved a bit - managing 2 wild boys as they were aging became a challenge and they would tire...mine started organized activities by 5 years old so that was an easy excuse. During off periods, I'd just make excuses or make plans for the children so they didn't feel cheated...

I never spoke of 'this' with my children. I am not one to over-share, especially to children about adult issues. I did my best to teach and discuss as we were instructed through the DARE program. I added warnings for them that they were possibly predisposed to addictive tendencies as it's on both sides of their family. I never pointed out who drank too much (there's a ton of them in my family and my AH), and I answered questions if they asked.

As my children aged, the questions got more intelligent. The conversations were more pointed. Every family counselor we saw suggested not to overload them too early but instead give them the basics, add if necessary and then let them drive the conversation. There is enough to be feared in this world for children that we were told to not scare them about their own blood.

My kids actually have some fond memories of grandma having too much wine and trying to play GameBoy. I don't typically engage and try to tell them she drinks too much or anything else - who am I to judge another? I do smile as I am grateful they have fond memories vs. fear.

I do believe if you work this program, you'll hear ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) that will help you work through this with your husband. It's difficult but with creativity and a bit of "Power Greater than Me", it can be managed without fear or judgement.

(((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Thank you all, you have no idea how all of your support, views and advice mean to me. I have felt for quite some time that I have no one to talk to, no one that can understand what I/we are going thru. Thank you, please keep the comments, advice, support flowing!

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a4l


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For me alcoholics are not capable of making rational decisions with children. So if they're involved I do the thinking and anticipating for them regardless of the good sounding words that come out of their mouths. I would not leave my children with active drinkers knowing what I know now about impaired decision making. I have done in the past. These days pretty much everyone is frozen out ofour lives family wise. Its not ideal but for me at this time its advantageous, knowing it won't always bethis way because we live overseas at the moment. this probably doesn't help with your specific situation. I guess say what you mean and don't say it mean is a slogan that pops to mind. You're not ok with your kids in the care of active drinkers. Sweet as. They can still be grandparents. Not sure how that gets worked out but I wish you all the best, I'm glad you're here and keep coming back.

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I was in a similar situation when my kids were younger. My husband's whole family drinks. His sister has kids that are our kids' ages and would want to swap with us on weekends in the summer. I hated it, because I would worry about her driving them around when she had been drinking. In my situation it was a little easier, because I began to just offer to take all of the kids and then I wouldn't have to worry about them-they were in my care then. Alcohol is not a good thing. I grew up with it and am dealing with it still. My husband drinks. He only drinks at home, but I still am to the point where I despise watching it. When your kids are involved you do your best to protect them so I totally get why you feel the way you do and why you did what you did.



-- Edited by Cammi45 on Wednesday 27th of April 2016 05:20:30 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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I dont think your over reacting. Alcoholism can be a dangerous environment for children. Could you talk with your family and ask that when they have the children they dont drink? If thats not possible then maybe its on you to not leave them alone with their grandparents. You could visit and help build the relationships. I wouldnt prevent them from seeing the children because I think the world is a  better place with grandparents. I kind of think if there are people alive who love my kids then who am I to deprive them. Its about responsibilities. Its your responsibility to keep them safe. If there is love there and fun and kindness then drunk or not maybe its about accepting them for who they are. Its the chaos or drama I wouldnt be happy exposing them too.



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When my A Step son refused to leave the grands overnight because of my AH active drinking (yes I get the irony lol) it was a wake up call for my AH. He argued and got defensive but decided to do something about it. Ultimately they are your children, yours and your spouses names are on the birth certificate, not your in laws. My children are older (late teens) and they now call me and ask me to pick them up if their grandparents are not sober. I hope you find some common ground.

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Suzann


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El-cre we have tried on several occasions to please stop. They say they will but never follow thru. Last year I told them that if they couldn't refrain while the kids were there and bc they hadn't that I could no longer have them over without my supervison. My mother in law hasn't handled that well. She wants to "have her cake and eat it too. " she guilt trips my husband and I'm the bad guy. I'm not doing anything wrong. I've allowed her to do things with the kids in a controlled environment but she can't stand it. She wants badly to keep them at her house and I feel that it's so she can drink and hide it. She likes to hide it in the pantry but my kids are too smart and know what she is doing. She thinks that I'm being selfish and keeping the kids from her but it's bc I can't trust her.

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Sorry that wasn't for El-cee

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~*Service Worker*~

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It's typical that they will go to any lengths to insist that their drinking is normal and no problem.  Their entire system of denial is built on that.  So it won't be possible to persuade them anything is wrong.  And they will do their level best to try to get you to change back and go along with their pretense.  Otherwise it threatens their denial system.  But your job is not to keep their denial system intact.  Your job is to protect your kids.  So you're doing just what you're supposed to - and they'll just have to cope with the consequences of their decisions.



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