The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I think I mentioned that I was very sick last summer. My Dad passed in February, and then in May I got really, really sick. Without going into detail, I will share that we were told that if I had waited two more days, before going to the Emergency Room, I would not be here. I was in the hospital for eleven days, and had three surgeries, within a week. After that, I was released with a wound vac, and had that on 24/7 for over a month.
During that time, I stayed at my Mom's house, because she has a bedroom, bathroom, and everything else, all on one floor. Plus, I have two big dogs, and that was a little scary with the wound I was healing. My husband would come during the day, and take care of me, and would go home at night. Mom would take over then. Anyway, after the wound vac was removed, I was close to going home. One night, my AH went out with a friend. I hadn't heard from him for a while, and honestly, he had been so good about not drinking, that I was happy he had a moment to spend with a friend, away from taking care of me.
At about 9:30 pm, I received a call from his phone. It wasn't him on the other end. It was a police officer. He said he found my AH asleep behind the steering wheel, parked on the side of the road, in a seedy side of town. The officer told me that my husband was being very cooperative, and had shared about my health situation. He asked if I could send someone to pick him up. Of course, my Mom was within earshot of the conversation, and could hear what was being said. I sent my brother to pick up my husband. He took him home. My husband was all apologetic. I told him to sleep it off and we would talk in the morning. I had to tell my Mom what had happened.
The next day, he came to my Mom's house. Well, he got an earful from her. She said a lot of things to him that morning. I didn't hear the conversation. He only shared that she accused him of being a horrible husband, role model for our children, and a terrible provider. There was a laundry list of things that she shouted at him. He tells me that he simply listened. He came to my room and told me that he was finished drinking. He realized how very wrong he had been.
This was 8 months ago. When we were invited to go to Florida to spend Christmas with her, he chose to stay home. He wanted me to have the best Christmas possible, knowing it was our first one without my Dad. He didn't want to be a negative addition to our time together. He said that I could tell my Mom that he was staying home to work, and take care of our dogs. She spent the winter in warmer temperatures, and just came back this week. He does not want to see her at all. I tried talking to him about it, but he is adamant that she hates him.
I briefly spoke with her about the situation. She said that she does not hate him, but feels that he hurt me, and as a result, hurt her. His past actions, and our financial situation, have effected her opinion of him. I told her that he stopped drinking on 4/4 and that we are working together, and on our own, to make things better. She was glad to hear that, and said that she will watch for things to happen.
So, here I am in the middle. Two of the people I love most in this world do not want to be together. It really hurts. I know...I didn't cause it. I can't change it. I can't control it. I just have such a hard time with division. I guess I wish everyone were as forgiving and compassionate as I am. But then, if I had not been an enabler, maybe we wouldn't be in this spot.
I don't see why you have to be in the middle....I used to be the go-between or the messenger between my A boys and my A husband. When I got here, I was told that was not my role, they are adults and they will either have a relationship or they won't. So, now when one comes to me, I listen with love and then suggest they talk to the other party. If they do, great. If they don't - it's not about me or my business.
Wanting people to get along and trying to impose that to be was a very controlling behavior I had to let go of. I had great intentions, but as the 'monkey in the middle', I also received a bunch of negative energy that wasn't mine to have. I now do all that I can in every situation to return the monkey to the rightful owner instead of trying to pass it on to another party.
I can totally understand both sides. Letting go and Letting God allows me to remain impartial to other people's issues, conflicts and problems. It may or may not get resolved and nobody knows when. I believe that everything happens for a reason and more will be revealed in HP's time frame - not mine.
Practice, practice, practice - that's what it's all about. I understand your feelings as well - however this is not about you and not on your side of the street.
(((hugs))) - take what you like and leave the rest.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That got me thinking about when it heals and I love the feeling that comes with it. I have watch the healing happen so very often and it is exciting. Fear and anger are very easily overcome with love. Let them come to it. ((((hugs)))) Do your thing God.
My husband and my life long best friend do not get on at all and avoid contact. I would like to get to spend time with them both together, to share those memories together but... realistically.? There has been too much hurt between them so it is a non-starter! My dreams don't work out this time, and that's ok. We are all are right where we need to be, just for now, respecting our own and each other's peace and I'm lucky enough to love and be loved by them regardless!
I suppose I put myself in the middle. My family has always been so close. My husband and my Dad were extremely close. When he passed away, my Mom and my husband became really close. After the whole thing with my illness, it's all gone.
I know. I need to let go, and let God. It just hurts.
Then it is quite possible that they will be close again - it has been such a stressful year for all of you and I'm reminded that when I was grieving for my mother I was much quicker to anger than normal.. It got better. Sending (((((hugs))))))
Thank you milkwood. That's just it. I don't get angry. I get sad. Maybe I need to learn to get angry??? LOL Thank you for the shares everyone. This is tough. I need to convince myself that it might happen some time down the road. She invited us to dinner. He said to enjoy, but he won't be coming. He has a good excuse though, he has a meeting to go to, and I'm sure he can make it last beyond dinner time.
Those are some of the consequences of alcoholism. Alcoholics make choices that lead to people becoming angry, cautious, and alienated from them. That fact can actually be among the thousand consequences that sometime lead people to choose recovery. So refusing to smooth things over and act as if it didn't matter can sometimes be a healthy thing. Or always.
It is still early days yet. Your husband has not yet been sober a month. It has (as I understand it) not yet been a month since this terrifying incident happened - and right when you were sick and in need of so much help! That's a pretty huge thing to happen. Your husband's recovery is not yet secure - it couldn't be in such a short time - and the trauma of that very recent incident is not necessarily something everything would smooth over right away.
Sometimes when we are especially troubled by something, it can be a useful teacher about our own emotions. Have you always been the peacemaker one who found it painful to tolerate when people were upset? Or could it be that the thought of your husband being irresponsible, not there for you, or hurt while you were so vulnerable is so troubling that it is easier to pretend it didn't mean anything? When we've got strong feelings, that's a sign that something big is at stake. Maybe this is a time to figure out some useful things about how the inner you feels. I always felt like I wish I didn't need to know about my inner feelings! But since they're what drives everything else, shining light on them can be really freeing.
sweetness - I can relate to the sad vs. angry - I've mellowed with age.....truly, my reaction to most things was in anger, but when I stopped long enough to process, I truly was sad more than mad often. I am one that would do anything to be happy and make others happy. The latter part of that, I learned here, was not on my side of the street.
What I have discovered is that as recovery happens and change begins, relationships typically can be mended. It tends to work more naturally if I step aside unless I am one who's offended. In this case, I tend to work on forgiveness and use an assumption that amends will not happen. If they do, bonus points. If they do not, that's OK as that's what I expected.
I understand the sadness - I am quite certain that it will repair itself. I am quite certain both of these folks love you enough to figure it out. Hang in there and don't over-analyze....keep the focus on you, and trust the process and HP.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yes, I have always been a peacemaker. It truly bothers me when I see people I love "at odds". I love peace and togetherness. I know this situation is not in my control, and is not on my side of the street, so to speak. I need to just keep praying to my HP, for my ability to not spend time stressing over it. I hope and pray, that in time, they are able to mend things. Unfortunately, both of them are feeling hurt by the other, and unable to see the pain they have inflicted. I know that is a natural instinct, and natural behavior. I just have to put my hands up and surrender to the fact that the relationship is not my responsibility.
Thank you so much for your ESH. Yes. I need to stop over-analyzing, even though that's one of my specialties. :)
I am speaking to you as an alcoholic who has been sober 7 years. It takes longer than 1 month sober to be able to face who you were as a drunk and know confidently, that is not who you are now. Hopefully he is in AA, as that will hasten and increase the likelihood of him eventually getting to that point. Right now, it is probably a big feat just to get through the days sober.
YOU CAN back off because his sobriety journey is HIS and his alone. You can't speed it up or even keep it going. This conflict he has with your mom...let him own it and/or work through on his own. If he stays sober longer term, he will get clarity and make amends as he develops a clearer mind and a confident sober identity. If he relapses, then your mom has some justification for ongoing worries and concerns and you will have to practice detachment. In general...his recovery, his program, his wreckage from prior drinking...those all belong to HIM. You are in YOUR sickness when trying to fix it all when it is up to him, your mom, God...everyone BUT you.
Pinkchip, thank you so much for what you shared. It was really good to hear things from your perspective, as someone sober for 7 years. You really nailed it on the head. it is true, it does belong to him, and I need to back off, and stop worrying about it. Your words brought me to tears, because they rang so true.
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. You really have no idea how you brought this all into perspective for me. I truly appreciate your honesty and ESH.
Do your thing God.