The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Before Al Anon I was someone who stuffed her feelings down. I would ignore, push through and stuff down any bad feeling I had. I wasn't even aware of what I was feeling. Instead I was running around interpreting and being affected by other people's moods and feelings. Don't get me wrong I could never run too far they would catch up to me. Where I would blow up over something small or cry over the tiniest thing. Never really understanding where that feeling and emotion was coming from. And quite honestly not understanding why I was blowing up made me feel really crazy. But I am starting to live in a more healthy way by actually recognizing my feelings and letting myself feel them. Acknowledging them and sitting with them for a little while. My past behaviour was to run from them and deny them. If anyone asked me if I was ok I would say "Of course I am". Now that I'm not doing that I really struggle with it. I also see people in my life noticing it. They are managing but often surprised to see the full range of emotions from me that I used to keep hidden. Surprisingly when I go back and attempt to apologize for having a reaction or a feeling I find people telling me that I don't need to apologize it was completely reasonable to react that way. In the past when I would over react to something small people wouldn't say that. In fact people used to follow up with me when I didn't seem affected by things I should have been affected by to make sure I was ok. That's not happening either. SO I know I am on the right path. I still struggle at times because I will have a bad day or be in a bad mood and allow it and then beat myself up for it or worry about it. I had an awful day on my birthday and was so angry and resentful and frustrated with my family and husband. I did my best to be civil but I didn't hide that I was mad. I was in a bad mood. Then I felt bad for being in a bad mood. I called my sponsor and she said "It's your birthday if you want to be in a bad mood go ahead". That actually made me laugh. Yesterday I was feeling quite sad. normally I would have done all kinds of things to try to avoid that feeling. But instead I let myself feel it. And it felt pretty bad. But I got through it. I was worried at some points yesterday if I was depressed. I just didn't feel like myself. But I woke up this morning and I feel better. I just had a bit of a rough day. It wasn't a disaster. I have this voice in my head that tells me that bad feelings are wrong and shouldn't be felt. Is struggling to acknowledge and deal with your feelings normal when you are in Al Anon? Any Experience, strength and hope would be greatly appreciated.
((KT)) . What you are experiencing is very normal and part of the recovery process. In fact, the Courage to Change reading earlier this week talked about the importance of feeling our feelings and that feelings were not facts but that we needed to feel him in order to be alive. When we stuff our feelings, and denied them, we block the good joy and happiness as well as the other feelings.
You have developed healthy tools during this process and I salute you. Owning your part in the situation and making amends is tremendous growth. So keep on keeping on.
I know when I'm feeling out of sorts, making Al-Anon call, getting to a meeting or reading the literature helps me tremendously. My sponsor reminded me early on that" beating myself up"was not an Al-Anon tool,so that I needed to discard that immediately.I am happy to see you have done the same .
We all have good days and bad days. I had a really, really bad day on Saturday. I was overwhelmed with some stresses that are out of my control. I cried and cried. Then, wondered why I was feeling that way.
I stopped and listened to some "feel good" music. I went for a walk with my dogs, and I got some fresh air. I did a little bit of praying, and reading. After that, I felt a sense of serenity.
Don't be hard on yourself when you feel out of sorts. I hope you continue to feel better.
(((KT))) - I was exactly like you - I stuffed, ran from and/or put on my 'everything is OK' skin and just plowed forward before this program. I then often over-reacted about something that wasn't even remotely part of my reason for feeling bad/sad/angry/disappointed/etc...
I think where you are is where you are supposed to be. I still struggle at times with feeling guilty for feeling a negative feeling....which when I type this and read this - it looks kind of silly. If we weren't meant to feel bad things, we would not - I believe we are made as imperfect beings to experience all that life offers. Because of this program and my willingness to work it to the best of my ability, my happy/joyous/serene feelings far out-weigh the other....before the program, I was either numb or devastated - no shades of gray and little/no joy.
Great topic and I can so relate. What I have to remind myself is the best course of action to change my attitude is service - doesn't have to be huge - just some service work gets me out of me. My neighbor is quite young and recently got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. We've had some discussions and she's truly in constant pain - and having to adjust/adapt as she was very, very active and fit. One small thing I do often is go out and pick up sticks (it's storm time here in the MW) in my yard and I do theirs also. Not the whole as they have a dog and I want to be anonymous about my efforts but as much as I can without interrupting their life.
You are doing awesome. Sorry about the birthday situation - I am already thinking about MAY....it has become my saddest month - graduation, Mother's Day, Memorial Day - just stirs up sadness for me. I actually do better with Mother's Day & my Birthday as I make plans and do things with friends or mother's who've lost their spouse/child. The whole graduation season makes me sad because of our experiences vs the normal. It get's better each year - but I have to feel the feelings and get to the other side using this program.
(((Hugs))) - good to see ya!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I also was a 'feelings stuffer' - and clearly I still am to a degree. I can feel 'cool as a cucumber' on the outside, and yet take my blood pressure and it is a little high. I'm also a firm believer that my body ALWAYS tells me the truth, not my mind. I believe this is why I had a little heart attack, followed my weeks of anxiety and some mild depression still lingering - because my inner self 'knew' I was avoiding facing some things (related to my former relationship and addiction), and eventually my heart literally spasm'd because of stuffed fears and feelings - there was no room left to put anything else!
I have cried more in the past two weeks than I have in a long time, and it feels good! I am taking one day at a time, and several times through the day, I constantly ask myself 'how do I feel?' or instead of reacting to something immediately I think, 'how do his words make me feel?' . Being able to identify my feelings and sit with them - literally to make friends with them, it is really a blessing! I once thought I had this down, but it's amazing how ingrained old habits can be and we shift right back in that old easy chair of old behaviors and responses.
You are not alone - I am sure most of us have lived a life of putting on a good face to keep peace in our families and to show any negative emotion was perceived by many as a sign of weakness.
Here's to feeling ALL the feelings and then letting them go.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
When I started to feel my feelings again the first feeling I had was fury!!! I had a tornado inside me and I cried at the tiniest things. I have always had a pretty calm nature and laugh really easily so my nearest and dearest, and quite a few work colleagues, were a bit confused for a while!
However, whilst some folks thought I was loosing it I had this underlying celebration going on. I knew, as sure as Spring follows Winter, that good feelings were on their way as well. So I welcome those feelings, whatever they are - I'm alive and I survive and wow that makes me feel.. alive!!
-- Edited by milkwood on Tuesday 26th of April 2016 12:46:36 PM
Nice rhyming there milkwood ;) And thank you for your post. THanks to all of you for your posts. It's reassuring to know I am not the only one who has felt that way and that I'm likely not losing my mind lol. My counsellor also said that it's a process. I'm learning to deal with my feelings and emotions all over again. It takes time.
Thanks for all the sharing and support. I really appreciate it.
