The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi there. I Googled this site on the recommendation from my mom. I currently an in a relationship and his drinking is affecting everything. He is depressed and the drinking makes it worse. Or maybe his drinking makes him depressed. I don't know how to handle it. Is this the place for me? I am not religious so I don't know if I'm welcome. I just know that I'm tired tired of crying. Of begging and pleading with the man that I love to stop. Tired of being scared that I might say the wrong thing and he'll start drinking. I'm so lost.
AJ it certainly sounds like you are in the right place.
Al-anon won't tell you how to handle his drinking, it will help you focus more of your care and attention on yourself than on his illness, which you have no control over and could literally go made trying to fix.
Religion is meaningless here; if you stick around and work the steps then you have a chance to assess your beliefs and what they mean to you. If it helps, I do not believe in "God" and I think I make out OK in al-anon. Many people use "al-anon" or 'the group" as their higher power when it's needed.
Welcome aboard; I hope you stick around.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
This is a wonderful place to read and learn and I remember feeling so relieved to discover that I was not alone when I first came here. The fabulous people here have helped me to understand that I am allowed to live a good life and to be free from worry. The Alanon programme is about bringing our focus back to us - how I feel and what I can do to feel better - it really is a gift.
I know those feelings of worrying about what I might say and eventually letting myself fade into the background. I read so many peoples messages when I first got here and as I read their words I recognised that my husband's behaviour was not about me. It really is a ghastly disease and it is so easy for us to get sucked into it's merry-go-round when we love someone under it's influence. I saw others who were coping with the same scenario that I was in and realised that it was my job to live my life and I did not have to be miserable. Oh boy, thank you for reminding me of how empowering that felt!
I hope you will keep reading and I don't think that you need to worry about whether or not you are religious to be here - if your life is being affected by the alcoholism of another then we understand and I'm pleased you found us!
Thanks missmeliss. I feel like I have lost part of myself, the things that made me well, me, because all I focus on is his drinking and how to fix it. But I can't fix it, and I guess that's why im here.
AJ, you have come to the right place. I also at one time, not very long ago, was tired and scared. Most importantly, I learned that I was not alone. Then I learned some great tools that still help me every day.
I also am not religious, and I have been welcome in every Al-Anon group I have been to, both online and face-to-face. One of our sayings is "take what you like and leave the rest." One thing I learned from the Al-Anon program is that I didn't cause someone else to drink and I can't control someone's drinking. Just knowing that fact removed some of the pressure I was feeling ... although to be honest it took a bit of time to fully grasp it. We also learn "Progress, not Perfection" and to be gentle with ourselves.
I'm sorry you are in such a difficult place right now, but my experience says there is hope for things to get better.
I can certainly relate to that. I let it go on for so long that I really forgot who I was.
The good news is, it's actually kind of fun getting to know yourself again and then being good to that person.
Funny thing is, his drinking will still be there tomorrow, and the next day, most likely, unless HE decides he wants different. In the mean time you don't have to be miserable
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Welcome AJ You certainly do qualify for this program. Since it is a spiritual program and not a religious one not believing in God is not a handicap.
I second everyone else's message to you so please checkout alanon and keep coming back here.
I too send my welcome to you AJ! Glad you found us and glad that you posted. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and reaches well beyond the drinker. AA is a program of recovery if they choose recovery and Al-Anon is for the family and friends of one who drinks too much. You are certainly in the right place and as Betty points out, it is a spiritual program vs. a religious program - we just try to believe in any power greater than ourselves - be it the group, the program, the support, etc.
When I first arrived, I too felt I had lost myself. What made me me was stuffed way down within my being. I spent my time, energy, emotions - everything I had - trying to fix others who I love and have this disease. I was out of gas and so defeated. Someone was kind enough to share the three Cs of Al-Anon with me - 1. I didn't cause it. 2. I can't control it. 3. I can't cure it. I know I had tried to move heaven and earth to help them 'see the light' and nothing worked!
This helped me see that nothing I did, said, tried was going to fix them. What was left was my choice to focus on me and work on fixing me or carry on as I had been doing. The latter was no longer an option so I went with recovery.
Recovery is a personal journey that we travel together through the meetings, steps, slogans and sharing of ESH - Experience, Strength & Hope. Know that you are not alone, and we're usually just a post away!
Keep coming back - it works when we work it and we are worth it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
all I focus on is his drinking and how to fix it. But I can't fix it, and I guess that's why im here.
Hi,
That statement makes it sound like you are definitely ready to be here AJ, so welcome! Keep posting, keep reading, keep sharing. And you don't have to be religious. You doin't have to be anything, except affected by someone else's drinking.
It would be even better if you could find a face to face Al Anon group near you and go. Participating here and face to face, you will get back your sense of self, and be able to make decisions you had forgotten that you could make concerning your life circumstances.
