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Post Info TOPIC: Fallout with another member


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Fallout with another member


I recently had a falling out with another member in my very small Al-Anon group.  This woman needed help getting to an out of town Dr. appt. & I had re-arranged my very busy work schedule at least 3 times (if not more) to take her.  She has cancelled her appts. in the past due to her blood pressure (anxiety) but this time she feared that I would not get up in time to get her to her appt.  When I got an email late in the evening that she had asked another friend (she has imposed on many times) to take her & I could go if I wanted, I was livid.  I'm ashamed to admit that my anger w/this woman got the best of me & I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not willing nor able to help her in the future & that our contact would need to be through the meetings.  She ended up cancelling her appt. again anyway (probably blaming me for her blood pressure issues).  My serenity was lost this week due to this situation.  We have a meeting today & I have no idea how things will be between us or if she'll even show up.  I told this woman in that same email that I still cared about her but I was basically done with being involved w/her health issues, appts., etc.  She has a lot of issues & I genuinely wanted to help her out but geeze...

Anyone else have a similar story & how you solved the problem or repaired the relationship?

 

Thanks.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Mitsy  -  I do not have the same experience but my sponsees have.  I try to  remind them  that we are all in program so as to learn new healthy responses to life and that we can get to practice alanon tools and principles first with program people and then when we are comfortable, we can  take these tools out into the world. 
 
 It appears that you tried to "help" this person often and she has issues that keep her from keeping her commitments. Learning from experiences and  how to say NO is important  to our recovery .  Your  agreeing to help, knowing her history and  rearranging your schedules  sounds like old behavior and like  acting in your own worst interest.   
 Alanon has tools to deal with this situation  You have already worked a 10th step on the incident by sharing here and now to close the  loop you can make amends by owning your part to her and letting it go. 
 
Learning how to say what we mean and mean what we say takes practice .  Be gentle with yourself you are human and became impatient  in an unreasonable situation.  Without pointing fingers at anyone- own your part and let go .  I have heard it said that we are all here because we are not all there aww so  keep coming back   


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Mitsy - so sorry about the situation. I've had some relationship tension in recovery and I just use the program and tools.....look for my part in the conflict, make amends if necessary and then set healthy boundaries. I have been in situations where I have felt frustrated by changing things around to 'help' another and then it falls apart and I'm upset. When I look at the situation with my program tools, often I volunteered, I am the one who changed my schedule to 'help' and then I let my expectations allow me to be disappointed.

Principles about personalities always floats into my mind when I have anxiety about going to a meeting....no matter the cause.

Hope this helps!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Thanks.  I think the thing for me was THIS time I thought it would all go OK but I'm thinking she perhaps was looking for any excuse to cancel the appt. because she's afraid of the procedure  She had one side done a while back but can't seem to keep her appts. now but I'm no longer an option for her to get there.  I think that decision is a wise one on my part.  She also has called me quite a bit at my office job (sometimes just for emotional support) but I can't be her counselor either & have not offered much help there only to listen.  I've re-arranged the dynamic of the relationship & a pastor friend of mine indicated that speaking my mind might even be a good thing; no one needs to be used by someone even if they do have mental issues.  I need to forgive myself for not using my Al-Anon principals with her like I would for other situations.  I do not have an alcoholic in my life (and haven't had for a long time) but I'm still a co-dependent person & need to catch myself before I wind up in another person's drama. 



-- Edited by Mitsy on Sunday 24th of April 2016 04:39:15 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Mitsy - I am one who believes that all things happen for us to learn. You were doing what felt right at the time - it didn't work out to be right for you.....I have modified boundaries often as necessary as I've found growth affects them and where they start/stop. We are always learning, which for me is one of the best gifts of the program!

(((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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(((((Mitsy))))) We learn to have and hone our inventory skills and then know what to do next.  I have under similar consequences gone right into, personal inventory and when I was wrong promptly admitted it.  It might not have been what I did and how I did it that needed the amends.  Your honesty will be a support for her I'm sure.   (((hugs))) smile



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Went to the meeting & this woman was there.  She did not speak during the open floor portion, but I did tell her I was glad she was there & that I did care about her.  Her response was "not to go there" so even though I was willing to bury the hatchet, she is not.  I do not even care to try anymore w/this woman.  There has been so many incidents w/her & I have decided to lay out of the meetings for a while.  When the meeting causes more stress (than not going), it's time to get out.  I am not dealing with an alcoholic & have not been for a very long time.  There are some other good people in our group but I'm just tired of this woman's drama.  If that's a cop-out, then I guess I'm also guilty of that label as well.  This is how I feel now anyway.

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Mitsy In your original post I thought that I heard that you enjoyed this meetings. I believe that walking away and not attending simply because she did not respond appropriately to your amend is hurting yourself.

I have done the same and regretted it . Take your time list the pros and cons and then decide on how you want to proceed. Keep coming back here as well.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Thanks for your insights.  I left once before (was out about 2 yrs.) so you never know. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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I have an ex sponsor i have detached from and
Try to minimize contact. We still talk and work
Around each other we just dont chit chat after
Meetings now outside of business matters.

I try to find people to talk to that have a little
Empathy and compassion.

I really only want people in my inner circle that
have those two things. Its not much to ask,
Discernment in alanon is a healthy thing.

(((( mitsy))))



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Member

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I really appreciate your words of wisdom.  I think that would be hard to go to a meeting where an ex-sponsor still attended.  I live in a fairly small town & we're the only meeting going each week.  I've helped lead the meetings for a number of years now & quite honestly, I'm ready for a change on Sun. nights.  This needy woman is only part of the issue for me but it has been a turning point.  When you realize you are going to dread going to the meetings, it's time to re-think how badly I need them at this point in my life.  I still have my books & materials & still believe in the program.  My "serenity" has been compromised though so I am not going to continue to put myself in a situation to be disrespected when I don't need to be.



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~*Service Worker*~

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oh I cant stand inconsiderate behaviour like this. It sounds to me like you set a clear boundary and this is good, no great. If you said what you did harshly then apologise for this but dont go back on your boundary. Its verging on enabling if you continue to take part in this womans merrgoround. Good for you, in my opinion you should be proud of yourself.x



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~*Service Worker*~

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Go to your meeting with your head high. If there is wisdom in the rooms you will have set a good example for the others and thats what Alanon is about. Your group needs you.x

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~*Service Worker*~

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I've been attending recovery meetings for 28+ years - as a double winner. In any situation where I have felt that the meeting is stale or the attendees are annoying, I've been told that the problem is not them, but rather me - my ability to accept others as they are and/or my inability to keep an open mind and consider why we are in recovery. Sorry if that sounds direct, but it was certainly true for me. The person who suffers the most when I stop going to meetings is me. Also, we don't go for what we can get - we go also for what we can give....we never know how our share can affect another and what life lessons we can learn or teach others through our ESH.

I agree with El-Cee - go to your meeting with a renewed spirit, an open mind and your head high. Everyone has a right to recovery and everyone has a right to meetings! (((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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True, about a lot of what you said but I'm basically burned out at this point.  I might return in the fall but I want to take the summer off.  I have enough other things to keep me very busy in between time.  Also, sometimes people need a lot more "help" than Al-Anon members can give.  There comes a point (when your group is small) that it's more detrimental to stay than go.  That's kind of where I am at this point.



-- Edited by Mitsy on Monday 25th of April 2016 11:45:48 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Really? Wow, I cant imagine ever feeling like that. Alanon is my lifeline. I have and do travel 20 miles for a meeting. I cant imagine it ever being detrimental to stay or people need a lot more than Alanon can give. Seriously, I dont know what youve been attending or how much recovery you have but if you had gotten what Ive gotten and many other members you would cling to this like your life depended on it. I do because my life does depend on it.
To be honest it sounds like you havent surrendered yet. Maybe you need a bit more misery, a bit more of a ride on the old merrygoround. I wish you the best in your journey whatever it may be.

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~*Service Worker*~

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My home group got very sick and we had to
change Our format. We copied from a very
Healthy group. Things are great now it took
Drop of attendance before changes were
embraced amd implemented and made to
Happen.

Yes we have business mtgs yet the Same
ones tried to run those too.

There is no one in charge, limit share time,
all members open and Close and they all Get
to choose the topic. It is healthy now and you
can see the difference with people not afraid
Of mis steps and judgements. They feel safe
To expose their inner self and truths.

(((((( mitsy))))

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TO: elcee:  I NO longer have an alcoholic in my life.  Dated one for 2 years; no family history of alcoholism.  Yes, the program is a good one but when you have a very small group & one person has a lot more instability going on (has borderline personality disorder, etc.) then yes, Al-Anon can only do so much for that person.  I made the mistake of offering to drive this person to her Dr. appt.  She kept cancelling the appts. but that's only part of the story with this woman.  She needs serious therapy & I'm not her counselor & neither is anyone else in the meetings.  I dread the meetings now because I allowed this person to manipulate me & then tried to blame me for cancelling yet another appt.  We are all at different places in our lives.  Al-Anon is a wonderful program but it's NOT my life line; not now.  It's time for me to step away. 



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a4l


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Oh I feel for you. The beauty of programme to me is knowing I have the right to change my mind and I will always qualify for this programme if I want it, always, the same as my fellow members. Take care.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Sending you healing hugs, i will never graduate,
Conflict at meetings can happen, i had a few myself,
The Serenity prayer could not help me or calm me.
Eventually the problems took care of themselves and
also our Restructuring helped to keep it that way. We
need to be peaceful meetings Not on edge to heal and
Grow.

(((( mitsy)))))



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I understand your frustration about what happened with her. Only you know your motivations concerning your interactions with this Alanon member as well as your continued attendance at your Alanon meeting. I'm not going to sit here and take your inventory about the choices. They are yours and not my business.

You asked if anyone had been in a similar situation and how they resolved it.  Like others, I can share on that. I would seriously doubt that there is anyone who hasn't had some sort of fallout, felt some sort of emotional injury etc. concerning someone in recovery rooms.  For myself, over the years there have been a few and I've done my best to communicate my feelings to the other person. I try to state the specific reason for which I am making amends, I never presume to know the other person's feelings by using statements with "you."  I stick with "I."  Is always well received?  No. 

The difference now from when I was newer to this program is that there aren't conditions attached to my amends. I am no more going to get someone "entirely ready" to forgive me through what I believe are ideal words and actions than I would get an alcoholic sober by doing the same. That is between the person and their higher power just as it was for myself when preparing the amends.

My recovery is important to me and I try to work on the unacceptable behavior so I don't repeatedly find myself making amends for it to numerous people. Some behaviors are easier changed than others but I try by using HOW honesty openness and willingness.

As far as small "stale" meetings, I've tried to be a part of the solution by offering an alternate format or topic we haven't shared about in awhile.  Inevitably, my higher power will send me a message through the share of the very person whom I unwittingly have thought has nothing to share. Funny how that happens! ;)

Anyway, my feeling is .. if I can't manage to get along in the rooms, I won't be doing any better outside of them.  I don't live with active alcoholism but I continue to come to the rooms for myself and especially for learning more ways to use The Traditions in my life.

Thank you for sharing.  I hope our responses here have been of help.  TT

 

 



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



Member

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Thank you for sharing. Your stories have helped. Thanks again. It helps to know that others have experienced conflict within the meetings. I emailed another member who has been absent for a while but knows me & also knows this other woman. She suggested that I set out a while & then return when she returns to the meetings (later in the summer). I might think about that as that would change the dynamic & she also suggested that someone else could chair the meetings as I've been doing them for a long time now.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I can relate, but I never got attached to someone in one of my small group meetings that seemed very needy to me. I watched her spin and spiral and bring any and all well meaning al-anoners into her inner turmoil, but I stayed back and watched, I like this lady and respect her journey from a distance. I wouldn't take it personally that she is having issues coping, and I definitely wouldn't give up a good meeting over someone else. My program means a lot to me and like any wave that is made it will eventually crash into something and subside. Keep taking good care of you and working your program!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



Member

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As an update, this chaotic woman sent me an email last night which essentially said that there were only 3 people in the group meeting (I was not there) & that they did not understand why I was not there. She also mentioned that she knew I used to enjoy the meetings & that she really thought that the meeting would close. I have no idea who wound up with the key to the building. My sponsor was to give it to someone else but I'm sure this woman wants to guilt me into coming back & running the meetings like I used to. However, instead of responding to her post (she had said she would not email me again before), I simply hit "delete". I think simply not engaging in her drama is the best thing I can do. I like the line "Breakingfree" mentioned about watching well meaning al-anoners get in to someone's inner turmoil & I certainly relate that to this situation. I'm not taking the "bait". She also left me a small gift in my mail box last week (no name, wrapped in white paper) but I know it was from her. I didn't acknowledge that either. Any sort of contact w/her will not pan out well for me in the long run. I do feel badly for the others in the group who might feel "abandoned" (her words) but I'm not responsible for their journey either. I still believe in the program but sometimes taking a step back means stepping back entirely so we are not around those who thrive on the drama.

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