The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I'm new to Al-anon and I'm not sure if I'm 'doing it right'. I went to my first meeting a couple of weeks ago. Ironically, I grew up around AA meetings with my dad and step mom, and yet for some reason until a friend invited me to go with her Al-Anon had never even occured to me. Durp.
Anyway -
It seems like a lot of the other Al-Anon people I've talked to so far are living with or dealing with someone who is still drinking/using. I'm certainly still dealing with the aftermath of my significant other's drinking and drugging, but he will have 6 months of being clean and sober this coming month. (I know that's not a terribly long time.. but it's a good start).
We had a pretty rocky relationship whenever he was drinking/using. He quit the first time a few years ago but never really went to meetings or did anything in the way of 'recovery' - he was just sort of the classic dry drunk - until he wasn't even dry anymore.
It's all actually a really long story - but to make it shorter - I have an almost 20 year old son that moved away to live with his dad and go to college. He hates my SO. Rightfully so. SO and I have an almost 9 month old baby together who was born 10 weeks early. We broke up (lost our house - everything, things got bad) before she even got home from NICU and baby and I moved in with my parents. He was homeless and hit the proverbial rock bottom, went to rehab, etc etc. We've been reconciling slowly. We go to Church together every week - that's pretty much our only time together, but we talk daily even if it's only a quick check in on what's up with the baby.
We're trying really hard to put the pieces back together. It's hard though - most people are not in favor of giving it a second chance. They think I'm weak or stupid or codependent or just a plain shitty mother for even entertaining the idea. I guess that's where I wonder if I'm doing something wrong here.
How do you know when it's ok to listen to yourself and work things out and when you're just being stupid and you should listen to everyone else?
We use to say a lot in recovery that it was hind sight that was 20/20 and I'm sure you know what that means. Everyone here has made decisions with the disease woven in between and then received the consequences of those choices and even in recovery we acknowledge that our recovery is about progress not perfection. For me I forgot about ideas of perfection when I was being taught to "do the best with what I had and to trust God without reservation". I still do it that way and I find it is amazing how many times I think I've made the worse choice and my HP brings me thru to a consequence that is most acceptable even when it was not what I desired.
Welcome to the board!! regardless of whether your alcoholic get in and works his program...don't look and don't coach...save that for your own recovery cause that is what "your" program is all about. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
It took me ages to know that I needed to listen to myself! When I did I was pretty humble about it - kind of realised that I had not always made wise choices, and, amazingly, I didn't always know the right answers! I was ok with that.
I spent a fair amount of time thinking about why I had put up with behaviour that was hurtful, why I had tried so hard to 'protect my naivety'. In a funny way I thought it was my responsibility to stop change from happening, I was trying hard not to rock the boat. A phrase that went through my mind while I was processing all this was 'I can make a decision in my own time'. In the meantime I got back to embracing life and all the enjoyable things I found in it.
My husband has been sober for two and a half years - that is quite some achievement. Around the two year mark we started to get on a bit better - I guess we've both been learning!
My thought is that there is plenty of time and no hurry - if things are turning around and going to stay turned around, it will be obvious in time. If things are not a good idea, that too will be obvious in time. In all of the situations I regretted getting in, I plunged in too fast. I didn't take it nice and slow and keep my wits about me. I think that would have saved me many errors. So if you take things nice and slow, you have the best chance of taking the best care of yourself and your little one. As the saying is, "More will be revealed."
I am sorry to hear that things have been rough with your older kid (now young man). I hope you will keep his wellbeing in your sights too, even with everything else you have to take care of. They act so grown up but they need their mom's love - and to know their mom is safe - just as much as ever. Sending you hugs.
xirei - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you shared. We have many slogans in the program that you will hear and add to your tool box if you decide to work the program. One that gave me an aha moment was, "What others think of me/my A is none of my business." Well meaning people will always have an opinion, suggestion or advice - but nobody knows your life, your wants and your needs like you do. So, working the program will give you the centering that helps process life, love, relationships and more with a clear mind and an open heart.
I am with my AH still - 25 years. I accept the disease concept and have learned how to co-exist and find peace, joy and happiness in spite of what he is/is not doing. I have also grown a ton as an individual in this program, and am all about progress - not perfection. I owe my current 'me' to the is program and those who came before me - willing to share their experience, strength & hope with me to help me learn, consider other solutions and support me without judgement.
Because of the progression of the disease in my home, many knew of some of our issues. Before I got to Al-Anon, I would spout off to anyone who listened and probably was looking for sympathy & validation. I learned that those who have never dealt with this disease often try to apply logic and rationale thinking to an illogical and irrational situation. I had to learn to shrink my share circle, and stop talking about it to 'normal people'....
We focus on One Day at a Time in Al-Anon. We do not dwell on the past or try to project the future. It just keeps things a bit easier as we work to restore ourselves to sane thinking. There is hope for everyone and broken relationships always - HP works in mysterious ways!
You are not alone - keep coming back and choose to work this program for you - it's so worth it!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Xirei There is help and hope Please search out meetings and keep coming back .It is at meetings that I learned to "Keep an open mind" and to listen to my inner voice. You will too.
It is really hard to go 'one day at a time' sometimes and not try and look into the future, and waiting. Waiting sucks. I'm terrible at it, but I'm trying to do better :)
