The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, my AH has been fired from every good job he has ever had for the past 12 years, for being completely irresponsible------(a trait of an alcoholic????? I wonder) .....so he gets drunk every night on his way home from his menial job. Then he screams at me about 3 times a week saying I should divorce him and marry someone who makes more money!!! He says our relationship stinks.....blames me for not being a "career woman" which I never was, I was raising our children. He, in his drunken stupor says terrible things to me, calls me names, B word, says FU, etc.....I just cannot take this! Is this normal for an AH? WHY do I feel he hates me so much????? I really do feel this way! I am so abused, verbally. I just cannot take this anymore. I think he just plain hates being responsible or married or have to worry about anyone but himself. Selfish beyond belief. He shows absolutely no love, compassion or heart for anything or anybody, except his bottle!
Sorry, but I need to vent this too!
-- Edited by Inga on Friday 12th of February 2016 11:16:23 PM
In my experience, the A doesn't hate us, s/he hates himself!
I dealt with this verbal abuse by removing myself from the room whenever it started, or to be honest, you can feel it building. That tension that the A needs to release. So again I would remove myself. I, and you, do not deserve to be at the end of anyones abuse. I found taking good care of myself and my needs really helped.
Lately I am listening to Al-anon speakers each night as I go to sleep. Is lovely and relaxing. There are loads on You Tube.
((((Hugs))))) Inga, I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it is horrible that alcohol does this to people and I can relate to your situation more than you know.
I used to imagine a gremlin on my husband's shoulder whispering foul thoughts that ensured that the gremlin was fed with yet more drink. I tried to ignore what my husband was saying, I recognised that these were not really his beliefs, but in that moment it turns out that they were what he was thinking and believing. Just the other day my AH told me that he had thought that I was the enemy and that is exactly how it felt to me at the time. To be honest with myself, if someone chooses to drink to oblivion, be abusive and to chase another woman then hell yes, I can feel a sense of pride in being called their enemy! But I would rather be their friend. My husband did say that he was wrong to have thought this way, this is two and a half years after his last drink.
I found it useful to look at the situation from the point of view of 'what is this doing to me?' Rather than making excuses for my husband's behaviour base on his alcohol consumption. I accepted that it was what it was and then looked at what my efforts to be strong were actually doing to my own energy and self esteem. I needed to find ways to live and enjoy the life that I had been gifted with, a life that I valued very much indeed. The phrase 'it takes two to tango' helped me to look at how I had been participating in this abuse, giving it my attention. It isn't easy, I think it is perfectly normal to care about what our partner thinks of us and what we come to think of them and it hurts when this goes wrong. But it is empowering to discover that being true to ourselves fosters our own self regard as well as encouraging respect from others. I didn't have to rely on my husband changing what he was doing (after all he is allowed the same freedom as me to make his choices) but realised that I might like to change the way that I was reacting to bring my reactions inline with my own beliefs of what is and is not acceptable for me.
This isn't easy to do on one's own, which is why Alanon and good friendships are so important to get us out of the spiral.
I like SunshineGirl's idea of listening to speakers on You Tube and will give that a try.
Ugh that's rough. I agree with Sunshine Girl that he doesn't like himself and you are the nearby sponge to absorb his distress. Knowing why didn't help me when I was in your place.
I too found it better to remove myself from his immediate area. Without the distraction of what he was saying, I am able to better focus on me, which is my job.
He says what he says because of one reason only .. he's an alcoholic and he's sick.
I remember a kid saying .. I'm rubber .. your glue .. whatever you say sticks to you. Based upon what I have witnessed regarding the whole issue of human behavior .. there is a whole lot of truth in that statement I mean after all we are all just creatures who are imperfect and some of us suffer from more pain than others.
What he's doing has little to do with you and everything to do with him.
The question becomes he's going to be (fill in the blank) (verbally abusive, physically abusive, drink or not drink whatever it is) .. what are YOU going to do?
I just encourage you to go to a face to face alanon meeting and get those answers yourself .. some people stay and are very happy within themselves, others leave and take their issues with them, some people leave and leave the issue behind because they could get help .. the point of this statement is that what Alanon taught me is I have choices and I am responsible for those consequences good and bad that come with those decisions.
Big hugs - What a great day to start the first steps to your own personal recovery. YES .. sometimes just getting it all out helps .. I do find myself singing the same song every day I gotta point the finger back at me and say ok .. what am "I" going to do?
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My XAH used to say this stuff, too. He'd call himself a loser and all kinds of stuff and tell me to divorce him. But, when I did actually divorce him, I became the bad guy and he could do no wrong. Go figure. I saw it as attention getting. He needed to hear me say, "No, you're not a bad guy. You're not a loser. I love you and here's why." He couldn't fill himself up because he had no self esteem of his own so he acted like a 5 year old and had an adult temper tantrum and looked to others(mostly me) to get his soul filled up. He didn't love himself AT ALL. He couldn't. He was drowning in shame and guilt and hiding behind his disease.
I started just saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." And, then I'd leave the room. Nothing I said really made a difference anyway. I could not convince him that he deserved better or that he was a better person than he was making himself out to be. He needs to find those answers for himself. I was not his solution. Hugs to you, I understand your frustration. Keep going to meeting, call your sponsor, and you will find a way to find peace in this situation. Trust your Higher Power.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Inga go to as many face to face meetings
and begin your healing journey. My xah
Was dry i still had problems, you can only
Help yourself and learn new healthy boundaries
For yourself among other tools.
It all takes time and with an open mind. I had
A very hard time changing and growing. It
Happened just not very quickly.
In the long run i found i needed to feel safe
to Be safe. We each have our own journey and
Decisions to make. First and foremost is to
Get strong on the inside so you can handle
Whatever happens in a healthy fashion.
Whatever foul things he says to you , he is saying to himself, he has self doubt, self hate and insecurity.
I know this doesn't make you feel better when he is flinging horrible stuff at you. I would suggest leaving the room
as someone has already said. He will get the hint eventually. When he says hurtful things, Inga disappears.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
Hugs,
Bettina
We're hear to listen, but also provide experience and support. Is this normal behavior of an A? It's not normal, but certainly typical behavior of an A. Irresponsible- check. Definitely. The A is sick and suffering, but that doesn't mean you have to too. The things he says and does is ALL about him and not you. He feels terrible and looks to you to fill that emotional void he can't fill with Alcohol. Self-pity, Self loathing and low self esteem. Then, it's your fault some how and the tongue lashing begins. Round and round we go. Any abuse is unacceptable. Verbal abuse can be as painful as physical abuse.
It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with an active Alcoholic. Their relationship is with the bottle and the demons within. I hope you do whatever is necessary to take care of YOU. Whatever it takes. The only one you have control over is you.
(((((Inga))))) that is nasty on the spirit and emotions and mind and the first response for me anyways is the true one. They literally hate themselves and their inability to "just wish" themselves sober and trouble free. Sucks for them also cause they are standing on the other side of the wall of recovery and need to practice passing thru the wall using the AA door. So near and sooo far away. I learned to think and respond in more self supportive ways when the crap was being thrown at the fan and the fan was pointed my way. What my alcoholics was blaming wasn't true and I made that my reality along with program and practice. Keep coming back. ((((In support))))
My AH is an arrogant, sarcastic, smarmy, self righteous, nasty, hyper critical, name calling ars*hole when he drinks. Nobody can meet his impossibly high "standards", he is mean & nasty to everyone and you can't say anything to him about it, or you get the silent treatment.
When he isn't drinking, he's a thoughtful, considerate, loving & caring sweetheart who couldn't do enough for you.
I tell him that he is two different people, and he really is. The "man" he is when he is drinking is not a person I would ever want to be around.
hi Inga,
I am sorry you have to go through this. Trying to figure out another person's motives can be such an impossible task. I too have come to realize the things my AH says when he is drunk isn't a reflection of reality or his true feelings. It is nonsense. I didn't get to read all the posts but I did read Milkwood and I agree with what she said. I too listened to al anon speakers on youtube and I still do sometimes when I am alone and need some comfort. One of the speakers once said "I used to wake up every morning and look at my husband and it is as if I would say "How am I going to feel today?" If he was in a good mood then she could be in a good mood, if he was in a bad mood then she had to be in a bad mood". It never occurred to her that she could decide what type of day she was going to have on her own. That really struck a chord with me. I have come to realize that there is no use arguing with my AH when he is drunk. I have told him when he is sober that I will be ending all conversations with him when he is drunk especially if they become rude or abusive. And I do. I tell him I don't like him speaking to me that way and I leave the room or the house. Now I don't even have to do that he just stops. I ignore him when he gets like that. And things are a whole lot better. fighting with my AH was the worst thing I could do because eventually he would push me far enough that I would say something really nasty and then he would hold on to that one thing and that would be the problem. Now when I say I don't like you speaking to me that way there is nothing he can say to that except either that he is sorry or he can argue with himself some more because I am not listening. but usually for me it ends in silence and I am thankful for that silence. I would love for him to "come to his senses" and see how he has treated me but I doubt that day will ever come. For now I cope much better knowing that what he says doesn't have to have an effect on me. Sending you a big hug.
Alcoholics have what we liken to an allergy to alcohol. It is VERY common that they revert/descend into angry, bossy, critical, babies when they drink. It is baffling because to to an outsider it doesnt look pleasant or enjoyable, and it is not the ordinary reaction non alcoholics have to drinking. Ever hear "Instant A-hole. Just add alcohol"?
Of course I know not all alcoholics fit this, but MANY do. Particularly male alcoholics.
Alanon teaches compassion for them and I know what I wrote was not that compassionate. Truth be told, I know from having been there, it is not fun to be in that state. All the alcohol does is drop the inhibition down to the point that they just spew out all their hurt in life and hurt that the disease has worsened and aim it at the nearest targets. Detachment is probably the best alanon tool for coping with an angry active drunk.
Dearest Ones: I thank each and every one of you for your responses! My heart just drank them up, literally. I so needed to hear what each and every one of you said. Thank you thank you.
I have been in such a funk because of it, that I have not gone to a live Al-anon meeting, just on line. I hope to recover my strength and go back soon. I can easily, although a Type AA person, get easily discouraged and just withdraw.
I am so sad and hurt, that we had no Valentines Day whatsoever.
We are moving cities soon and I hope it can be a new start for us. Please pray for me.
You all are simply awesome! Thank you again for your kindness.
Inga, you are in my prayers, sincerely. I pray for you to have peace. I pray for your strength and courage.
My Ex-AH used to wait until the middle of the night on a work night, then burst into the bedroom and wake me up screaming at me, throwing things at me, flipping me off with both hands, demanding a divorce. It started a few weeks after our wedding night, which he spent alone at a bar. I should have had it annulled immediately but I think I was in shock and numb? I couldn't get away and I couldn't sleep and I would have to drag myself into work in the morning and try not to weep openly at my desk.
I know now it wasn't me, it was him, as everyone here has said. He was self-loathing. I had a successful career, good friendships, a successful life. He was unemployed, a felon, a registered sex offender. He couldn't get a place on his own, he couldn't even find work. He hated me for my successes that made him feel even lower than he already felt. He told me this, years after our divorce, but I came to understand that on my own anyways, long before he admitted it.
Milkwood, This is what I am starting to try harder with
"but realised that I might like to change the way that I was reacting to bring my reactions inline with my own beliefs of what is and is not acceptable for me. " As the Bible sayd. You need to take the log out of your own eye before you can remove the speck out of anothers. Not that we can FIX the Ah or AW, but that we realize that we have out own faults as well, and what are WE doing as a co-dependant person in the relationship. THAT we have control over.
MY AH turns into Mr Hyde when he drinks. If I (even sweetly) ask him to do something however small, it's "Well I'm SORRY I didn't do THIS right or THAT right" Or "Why are you being Mean to me"? Honestly, I am SO sick of hearing it!
Im sorry your going through this. I remember it well. You dont have to take this or really understand it i dont think. The only thing you can do is learn to change things for yourself starting with your own thought processes. Thats what i did and my life completely changed for the better. Abuse is common in the alcoholic home and the damage to children is huge? When one person gets recovery life can change for the better for everyone. I suggest getting to an alanon meeting asap, for you and your familys sake.
My husband did say that he was wrong to have thought this way, this is two and a half years after his last drink. 