Al-Anon Family Group

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Post Info TOPIC: Please Don't Make Us Do This Again


Newbie

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Posts: 1
Date:
Please Don't Make Us Do This Again


I'm new here. I work in substance abuse treatment. My father is an alcoholic. I fail to do the things that I should do for me, mostly. I am, at least, in therapy.

Tonight my father called me. He seemed a little goofy, but was coherent, and we made some weekend plans. He texted me a little while later as if we had never had the initial conversation at all. I'm completely scared. So I wrote the following. Because I don't know what else to do. Or the things I know to do are too scary to do right now. His periods of sobriety...not that you can really call it sobriety with the benzos and adderall and ambien he takes...seem to shrink every time. I don't even know what I'm looking for here, I just needed to break the silence to someone.

Please dont make us do this again.

It starts as small changes in behavior. You try and dismiss them, excuse them, explain them. Like you always do for all such behaviors, and have done and probably will continue to do like any average adult child of an alcoholic would. After the behaviors, theres suspicion, which I often dismiss as paranoia. Slurred words. Misspelled text messages. Repeated conversations. Hes probably tired. Hes probably in a hurry. Hes probably just getting older. For me, I attribute my immediate rush to denial to how preferable denial is to the fear. Unfortunately, Ive had too much training and education, so the denial doesnt get to last very long for me. Then comes the terror. Paralyzing horror. Please dont make us do this again.

I still dont understand the silence. Despite all my training I feel trapped under the crushing and seemingly eternal constructs of dont talk, dont feel, dont trust. I know that I should call it out, ask questions, raise concerns. I still remain completely terrified to rock the boat in any way. Im an adult I dont live there I can get or stay awaybut what if my boat rocking backlashes onto my family members who do still live there? Logically I know its worth the risk, but I remain paralyzed. I will probably raise concerns to my mother. Unfortunately, mother has always done nothing, and will most likely do nothing again. We will have hours of conversation about the problem, how bad it is, how bad its getting, what do we do? Nothing. We talk about it to each other, and as things get worse (and each time they seem to get worse much more quickly) I will tell her to kick him out, or leave, or really mother please just do something other than let it stay like this. Well plan to go to al-anon meetings that we never go to. How we need to for my littlest brother, and try to get him to come too. It becomes evident that we are just as sick as he is. Our family progress made in the last dry spell essentially demolished.

Like I tell my clients suffering from addiction its about doing something different.

We need to do something different.

But I dont know what to do.

My humanness is completely exposed.

Please dont make us do this again.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

Aloha sister and welcome to the board and I relate so well to where you are, what you do and know that you should do and more even to and including being a substance abuse and alcoholism family counselor.  At one time I could help others and not help myself until I started doing what I was suggesting others do for themselves.   Al-Anon is a "Do" program and the consequences include peace of mind and serenity and the courage to change the things we can.

The alcoholic actually cannot make you do what you don't want to which was news to me when I first heard it and so I didn't believe it without inspection so it took awhile hanging around with the winners in the program for a while...listening, learning and practicing, practicing, practicing.  As you have already heard...the program works when you work it and there are lots of us available to help you do that when you are ready.  Don't wait for others to approve and want to get on board too.  This is for you...keep coming back.

As you already know the disease is progressive and only gets worse over time untreated.  You don't have to wait.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1400
Date:

Elsie, I am glad you came here and sorry to hear what your family is going through.  I do understand that feeling of hopelessness, being at the end of your rope, not knowing what to do, and being terrified that the alcoholic behavior will once again cause a crisis for the entire family.

One of the sayings in Al-Anon is "Let it begin with me."  When I was in the pit of despair, similar to where you are now, I finally one morning decided I had to get to an Al-Anon meeting.  I'd been thinking about it, and my therapist as well as a good friend of mine had mentioned it.  I always thought someday I'll get around to that.  Finally that day came.  Thankfully there was a meeting at 7:00 pm that evening, and I went.  (I say thankfully, because earlier that day I felt I was about to lose my mind.  I had been pounding my fists on the wall with anger.)

At the Al-Anon meeting I was warmly welcomed and began to learn how people manage to get serenity no matter what the alcoholic is doing or has done, and also that it takes time, one day at a time.  I picked up some free pamphlets which were so enlightening because they helped me understand what I had been going through and beginning to learn new ways to see, think, and act.  I also met some really nice people.

I didn't bring any other family members with me to the meetings.  I just went myself, but after a while I did mention to my adult daughter that I had been going.  She then, on her own, let it begin with herself and found her own meetings.  It was such a blessing to be able to talk program with her and we could support each other. What I'm saying is, one person can start the ball rolling and -- maybe -- help the rest of the family by their example.

Just taking that one step (actually it was a 20-minute drive, but well worth it) to that first meeting has made a big difference in my life.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

Good morning Elsie - I too welcome you to MIP. Glad you found us and glad that you shared. So sorry for the disease that brings you to us - we all have 'that' in common. As you know, this disease is progressive and never cured - only treated and arrested through recovery. As a family disease, it affects so many and there is hope in restoring sanity and peace to ourselves through Al-Anon.

I was one who thought I was fine and my home would 'normalize' if only THEY would do the next right thing. What I've come to discover is I wasn't fine and I could only work on me - change how I act, react, respond and do. I have peace in my heart and mind and more in my home than before as I no longer am obsessing over what others are doing or not doing. I am grateful to Al-Anon and all it brings me in my recovery.

Please keep coming back and join us on this road. We welcome you with open arms!

Glad you are here - (((Hugs)))!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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