Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: To go away or not


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
To go away or not


I was to go out of country in a few days thinking my young adult son would be in treatment already. However we were just informed it may be 2-3 weeks more. He wants me to go as he was looking forward to quiet time (we have an up and down relationship). My concerns are his safety. i know he can do things while I'm here just as he can while I'm away, it's the guilt of something were to happen. Al anon has helped tremendously and wish I had time to ask them at the last meeting but didn't know about the delay getting into treatmentmeNt. Wish I knew for sure what the correct choice is. Thanks for all your help



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

Welcome to MIP Momofk - so glad you found us and so glad you are here. I am glad to see that you are attending meetings - that will give you a good foundation.

I have two sons, both qualifiers. During our cohabitation with the disease, I never left - I isolated and got crazier and crazier. My parents are 81 so had to go and see them once a year or wouldn't be able to live with the guilt if they passed and I was 'too busy'. I also left and went out of town for a funeral.

Each time I left town, all hell broke loose. There were OD(s), arrests, hospitalizations and more. However, they survived and I did too. If I had it to do over again and had I found Al-Anon sooner, I would have taken more trips. Not because I wanted to get away from the drama/chaos, but because I needed it and did not know it.

The program tells us we have to practice self-care. The program suggests we stay on our side of the street. I suppose things could go wrong while you are away. Things can also go wrong while you are here. When living with this disease, there is just no easy answer for so many questions.

I would write about it (I'm a huge journaling gal), talk about it (call sponsor or trusted friend) and pray about it. I am sorry for the mishap in his treatment - it does happen.

Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

Hello Momofk, welcome to MIP,

I find that when I am undecided about something my anxiety increases so sometimes just making a decision and accepting it has soothed me. If I don't feel soothed by my decision then I reevaluate and try to find out why. I also love writing things down, monitoring my feelings as I read back what I have written. Guilt is one of the feelings that has kept me trapped, along with my anxious concerns about 'what if'. I did not want to let my life journey become ruled by that kind of negativity so I have often stepped away to take time for myself even though I know that I probably wouldn't like what is going on in my absence. I kind of figured that it was up to my husband to choose what he wanted to do with his time and it wasn't my job to be a policeman - I know that when I did step into that role my husband felt (justifiably) distrusted. Sometimes I simply don't know what is the right thing to do so I just do what feels right for me, and trust that I can cope with the consequences, whatever they may be. You sound fearful for your son's safety, do you have a specific fear in mind or is it just a general trepidation?

What is involved for you if you change your plans? Can you flights be changed? Might you feel resentful? Any other questions that relate to you and your state of mind?

Sending (((((hugs))))), it ain't easy, and I often found that the 'right' choices seemed counterintuitive to me initially. Thank you for reaching out, there are lots of wise people here and I've learnt a lot from reading the posts of others. There are also on-line meetings here every day, in the chat room, the link is on the top left of the page. It is good to know that your Alanon meetings are helping you.



__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 64
Date:

Hey MomofK,

I too , have cancelled trips, arranged for friends to drive by and drop by while I was gone and once even had a "house sitter" .

In the end, my AD was destined to do whatever she did and it did not matter if I was around to watch it. I started to "Let Go and Let God" and got some much needed respite from minding her by taking day trips and now with the help our our wonderful program continue to take that time for me and detach lovingly (most times lol) from her.

Not keeping plans caused me much resentment so there was always that to deal with. What will make you feel your best?

Peace

__________________
Thorn


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 242
Date:

Go! You can do nothing for either yourself or your son if you stay. Al Anon teaches us that we cannot change another person. That we can only change ourselves. In our journey with our AS, we have learned that we had to detach, go on and live our own lives, get some separation from him or we simply continued in the same enabling/self destructive pattern. And although this is hard to understand, separation by distance makes the whole process easier and kinder to the parents. Yes you are aware that there are problems, yes you know that there could be problems, yes you know that they are suffering but... and it sounds cruel , it is just easier for the parent to take when they are not on site seeing everything. It is as if a HP has put up a buffer zone and given the parent some respite.

__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 59
Date:

Hi Momofk:

I can TOTALLY relate! Every single time I have gone out of town whether it was to visit my parents, one of my siblings, I was so fearful leaving my AS and AH alone together! Last time I was out of town, my AH picked me up completely drunk from the airport that I had to drive home, then I get home to empty rum bottles, beer cans everywhere, it's so disgusting! This has been going on with my AH now for about 10 years, and in the past 3 now one of my sons has joined him in this chaos! I am sick to death of it, but somehow feel tremendous guilt that as his mother, I am THE only positive influence in the home. My AS even told me once if I left my husband, he would kill himself! I agree highly with the poster above who said this program is about self-care! I don't know how to do it, but am learning. I haven't even enjoyed going out with a girlfriend for the past several years without feeling I need to run home to see how the AS is doing. It's really a pity. Take care of yourself! Is my advice, and see how you would feel traveling, and doing what is good for YOU!

__________________
Inga Mattson


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 59
Date:

Good advice Thorn!



__________________
Inga Mattson
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.